The Review: Uglies

Uglies 1/10

I have to point out that I'm not even close to the target audience for a movie like this. I still for some reason have managed to watch a lot of these damn thing (Hunger Games, Divergent, Maze Runner, Ready Player One, Scouts Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse). That is way too many for my old ass. L and I watched this on Netflix and I laughed inside knowing that this kinda shit is the reason she is getting rid of Netflix soon because of the higher prices and ads. They are trying to recoup years of bad movies and decision making at the expense of viewers. Good luck if this is the type of movies you're putting out. I should probably talk about this batch of nonsense.

It the future (not sure how far in the movie but heard how far in the book but for this review I'm not gonna compare shit to the book because I had no idea it existed and guessed it may have with like five sequels which turned out to be three more) the planet is fucked because we like fossil fuels and using up all the resources. That old yarn. The answer to fixing the planet? First making these flowers that are a new energy source (the fuck?!) and secondly making everyone pretty at age 16 (Ibegyourfuckingpardon?!?!). You know how much you can change between just 16 to 21? See, if everyone is hot then there is no reason to fight and wage wars. Right? This is some Equilibrium shit. Have any of you seen that? Great movie. I watch it every time its on PlutoTV (future where they realize there are wars because we too emotional and we take a daily pill to keep that shit in check). Anyhoot, this girl named Tally aka Squint is friends with this dude Peris aka Nose. By the way, she doesn't squint whatsoever. When she is called this I am baffled.

Tally and Peris are living in dorms and known as Uglies. Peris gets to go to the city and become hot months before Tally cause he is a little bit older. They promise to stay friends even after the surgeries and Peris is supposed to meet with her on a bridge after he gets changed (and also keep the scars they have on their hands). So that time comes and she goes to meet Peris and he is not there. She easily sneaks into the city wearing a mask that happened to fall near her and it changes her whole ass outfit. The technology in this movie borders on witchcraft! So she walking around and finds Peris and he is like “Hey...you. What are you doing here?” She gets called out for being ugly and makes an escape using a bungee jacket. You fall and it bounces you to safety. Why are these just around? Are folks just Apple factory leaping to their deaths all the time? She makes it back to the bridge and this security ship spots her. This girl Shay saves her via hoverboard. Yeah. They got those too.

The next day Shay is telling everyone about what Tally did because she is her friend and an asshole. Like, she could be disappeared for doing what she did and Shay is like “You a rebel! It was cool!” There is a hoverboard training montage that looks like its from an old N64 game or as I put it while watching “They must have spent dozens of dollars in this!” Now its time for surgery because Shay and Tally have the same birthday. Convenient! Shay don't wanna be a Pretty and decides to find these dirt people to hang with in the woods. Talley goes to get her surgery but the lady in charge named Dr. Cable is like “Naw. You need to find Shay and these Smokies.” They are the dirt people that don't wanna be pretty. She gives Tally a necklace to signal when she has found them and then she can be Pretty. Tally is like “Bet.”

She uses a map that Shay made and goes on an adventure where she could've died many times and falls asleep in the super flowers and wakes up with flames around her. The Smokies are burning the flowers and save her dumb ass. She meets the leader David. This guy Croy is suspicious of her as he should be but they are like “Nah, she cool.” She's not. She is super not cool. She learns to shoot arrows and grow her own food. Not sure how much time has passed. Tally meets David's parents and they used to be doctors and shit with Dr. Cable. Turns out the surgery can kill you and they cut a part of your brain that makes you dumb and happy. So I can be hot and carefree? Sign me up! The parents have a cure they have been working on for decades but need one more ingredient. Tally starts to feel bad and tosses her necklace in the fire. Dumb ass! Soon as she did that I said she should have buried it or thrown it in the water. It turns on and next thing you know everyone is surrounded. Tally and David watch as Peris who now has super powers breaks David's dads neck.

Let me digress for a moment. I hate this kinda shit in movies. Like when someone is being tortured they let them cut off three toes and a finger before talking. I see you coming at my feet I'm telling you whatever you need to know. His father was not getting off with a ticket or fine. These people meant business from the jump and they stood there watching and didn't reveal themselves until his neck was snapped. Shocked they don't have a cure for that. They have so much technology that a broken neck seems like an easy fix.

The rest of the movie is David easily forgiving Tally for causing his fathers death and they rescue everyone who is for movie purposes locked in one cell. Shay has been turned Pretty and loves it. Peris shows up to stop them and just when he is about to break Tally's neck as she tries to use the power of white woman tears David shoves him and he falls to his death(?). Tally turns herself in and allows herself to be made Pretty but keeps her scar and the movie is threatening me with a sequel that will never happen because this is Netflix.

This movie was dumb. From what I have read and watched about this series of books they made a lot of changes or left things out that would have explained things a bit more. Still wouldn't have helped though because this is just a bad story. How is everyone being dumb and pretty gonna stop wars? What is the end goal for the villain? Is it money? Power? The world is just fine out in the wild where those toxic flowers are. Just burn 'em and move on. The acting in this was not good. The special effects were super ass. The style was very unoriginal and looked like a sci-fi movie from 1999. I heard this was supposed to be made years ago and if it had maybe there would be some leeway for the story and look but in 2024 don't present yourself so badly. How did they direct and edit this and think “Yep. This is worth presenting”?

Joey King as Tally Youngblood

Sarah Vattano as young Tally

Brianne Tju as Shay

Keith Powers as David

Laverne Cox as Dr. Cable

Charmie Lee as Maddy

Jay DeVon Johnson as Az

Jan Luis Castellanos as Croy

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