Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (7/10)
This is the first movie so I got to see how shitty Harry was treated from the jump. Harry was left with his raggedy ass aunt, uncle, and cousin when he was a baby after his parents were straight up murdered by He Who Shall Not Be Named (Right Now But Will Later). An owl tries to drop off a letter letting him know that he has been accepted to Hogwarts but the family wont let the bird in. Hagrid who works at the school drops the letter off and lets him know that Harry is a damn wizard. Could you imagine how happy that would make you? Living under the stairs and some giant shows up and lets you know that you a damn wizard? He even gets his own owl named Hedwig.
Harry gets to the school and is famous for surviving a deadly spell by HWSNBN (I am not spelling that out every time). He meets his new friends Ron Weasley who comes from a big ass family of red-heads and Hermione Granger who has parents that don't have magic but she does. Magic people call regular folk Muggles and treat them Hermione like shit because her parents are regular but she is smart so whatever. Harry ends up finding out that one of the teachers has HWSNBN attached to the back of his damn head! Dumbledore, who runs the worlds most dangerous school, lets Harry know that when the evil teacher touched him and got burned it was because Harry's mom had made a spell t protect him against HWSNBN. Oh, and the different houses in the school get points for things. I don't recall this happening as much in later films probably cause they worried about getting killed every damn year. What sucks is he has to head back to his family's place when school is out. I enjoyed this one from what I can recall because it was fun. I had no idea it would become a worldwide thing back then.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (6/10)
While Harry is with his raggedy ass family again this house elf shows up named Dobby. Dobby doesn't want Harry heading back to Hogwarts because its dangerous. Dobby ends up jacking things up so magic is used on muggles which is a huge no-no in the wizarding world. Ron and his brothers end up using a flying car to rescue Harry and they fly away. They meet up with Hermione and found out they have a new dark arts teacher so you know there is gonna be some honked up issue with him. Harry and Ron head to Hogwarts and almost get killed by a tree that shouldn't even exist let alone be close to a school. The kids find a frozen ass cat and a teacher Professor McGonagall tells them how one of the founders of the school built a chamber of secrets that has a monster that only someone related to him can control.
During a Quidditch match Harry gets fucked up and gets his arm broken, Turns out Dobby caused it to get him to leave the school. Harry starts speaking in snake speak and now people are even more freaked out by him. Harry finds a diary by a kid who went to the school back in the day named Tom Riddle(!). Hermione gets frozen and Harry and Ron think Hagrid did it because he was accused of it years ago. They find out about a snake that is in the chamber that will kill you if you look it in the eyes but only freeze you if you see it. The hell? This teacher Lockhart is supposed to go save Ron's sister who was taken but he turns out to be bad and gets his memory erased when he tries to use Ron's wand that was broken by the violent tree they encountered. Harry discovers that Tom Riddle is actually HWSNBN aka Voldemort! Son of a bitch! A fight breaks out between a phoenix and Harry gets a sword from the Sorting Hat and stabs the snake with a fang. Harry ends up getting Dobby freed as a house elf and everything ends happily ever after. The tone of this one was kind of all over the place between trying to keep the fun of the first but having obviously horrifying consequences of actions.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 9/10
This was my favorite one forever. Mostly because I had not seen another Harry Potter film since then and it came out in 2004 and I likely saw it years after that. Harry is back with his punk ass aunt and uncle and they start trashing his dead parents so he uses magic and inflates his aunt and she floats outside. He should be in jail or something but he is easily pardoned by a Minister for Magic likely because his first two years at the school have been rough as hell. Don't worry. It gets way worse. Sirius Black is a supporter of Voldemort and has broken out of Askaban and plans on killing Harry. On the train to school a bunch of dementors get on board. They look like ghosts from hell and suck your face off and feed off your spirit. One goes for Harry but the new Dark Arts teacher Albus Lupin stops it and saves him. Another teacher? Wonder what his issues gonna be. Dumbledore tells the kids that the dementors are gonna be guarding the school because of Sirius. The fuck?!
At school a hippogriff knocks Draco over and he bitches like a bitch. By the way, this kid don't get better even by the last film. He spent ten years being a punk ass and comes from a family of punk asses. Draco's father has the hippogriff sentenced to death. The paintings at the school are alive and one says she saw Sirius and she is hiding. During a Quidditch match the dementors attack Harry and he lands near that deadly ass tree and it breaks his broomstick because life ain't fair. Harry finds out that Sirius was his fathers friend and the Lupin dude teachers harry how to fight back against dementors. It is confirmed by this point that Lupin is a damn werewolf. Oh, and Ron finds out that a rat he has had as a pet is a damned grown man named Peter Pettigrew who a follower of Voldemort. That shit raised so many questions.
Sirius and Lupin are gonna kill Pettigrew but Harry is like “Feed him to the dementors” which seems super jacked up. Lupin turns into a wolf, Sirius turns into a dog, they fight, Harry is attacked by dementors and maybe saved by his fathers spirit, and Sirius is in the custody of dementors now. Harry and Hermione use time travel and fix all kinda stuff. Kids should not have access to this stuff! Turns out Harry saved himself (time paradox!), Hagrid's hippogriff gets saved, and Lupin has to resign because he a werewolf. With all the stuff that can kill the children that just be on the school grounds a werewolf teacher is not allowed?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (7/10)
In this movie Harry starts having visions that are connected to Voldemort. Its jacked up. During a Quidditch match all of a sudden Death Eaters show up. They are followers of Voldemort and not very effective. Close. The. School. A new Dark Arts teacher shows up named Mad-Eye Moody. His eye crazy. His leg crazy. He crazy. So of course there is gonna be something off with him. The school plans to have this Triwizard tournament between three schools and only kids of a certain age can join. Harry's name end sup getting entered and Dumbledore damn near jumps Harry thinking he added his own name. He can't not play but probably wishes he hadn't since each game is progressively more deadly. Dragon fighting. Evil mer-creatures in the water. The last event is a maze that possesses you or tries to eat you alive. Harry and this kid Cedric grab the trophy at the same time and get teleported to Voldemort who kills Cedric. Turns out the new Dark Arts teacher was being impersonated by someone else and the real Moody is in a magic trunk. Dumbledore admits that Voldemort is back. Its all bad. No one should be at this school. I left a lot out while describing this because a ton of stuff happened. By this point its hard to ignore the fact that shit is getting too real for the students and the world.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (8/10)
So now all the shit is real. Dementors are attacking regular ass folk in the regular ass world. Harry is being fucked with by his stank ass cousin and uses magic in front of him and ends up expelled from Hogwarts. Oh, so now its not okay to use magic in front of folks?! This group, The Order Of The Phoenix don't know that Voldemort is back. Sirius Black says that Voldemort is looking for something. This horrible ass woman named Dolores Umbridge is now the Dark Arts professor but doesn't wanna teach it. She uses torture on the students with this magic pen that scratches it into your skin as you write standards. The kids end up forming Dumbledore's Army Meanwhile Umbridge gathers a group of snitching Slytherin kids to hunt down the other group of kids. Harry is still seeing Voldemort stuff through his eyes so Dumbledore has Snape teach his a trick to protect his mind. This girl that Harry has a thing for named Cho is tortured and reveals where the other kids have been hiding and learning magic. I never forgave her. I'm petty.
Umbridge catches Harry trying to use her room to get a message out and they trick her into coming into the forest where Hagrid's monster ass brother captures her. Next thing you know fucking Centaurs show up and snatch her away. It was really weird. The group sneaks into the Department Of Mysteries and it turns out that the visions Harry had were a trap. Everyone trying to kill him now. There is this woman named Bellatrix Lestrange who ends up killing Sirius Black and singing about the shit! Voldemort is about to take out Harry when Dumbledore appears and they get into this crazy ass magic fight. Voldemort tries to take over Harry but can't and the magic police or whatever show up like “Oh, Voldemort really is back!” Yes! He been back! Dumbledore lets Harry know that he was treating him like a dick for his own protection. How'd that work out? Harry also says that according to a prophecy that he and Voldemort can not exist together. I liked this one a lot but these wizards be a little but too loosey goosey with when magic can and can not be used.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (9/10)
Now we're in the shit. Voldemort is straight up running Hogwarts now. Snape end sup having to make a vow with Draco's mother to protect her. Like, the vow can not be broken and he has to keep the boy safe and complete a task if Draco fails. Harry needs to get information from Horace Slughorn who is a former professor and get him to return to Hogwarts. Harry meets up with Ron and Hermione and he uses the invisibility cloak and sneaks onto the Slytherin train to listen to Draco's punk ass. Draco ends up petrifying him and leaving him on the train but that weird girl Luna Lovegood saves him. At school Harry gets a work book full of helpful tips from the Half-Blood Prince and does great in class. As a reward for being good Slughorn gives Harry a luck potion. All kinds of young love happens. I don't care. Hermione likes Ron. Ron seeing someone else. Harry likes Ron's sister.
Harry and Dumbledore find out that Voldemort is looking for these Horcruxes which are pieces of a soul. This crazy bastard has split his into multiple pieces and looking for them to protect himself and live forever. They have already gotten two of them destroyed and Harry and Dumbledore go to find another. They do in this crazy ass cave where Dumbledore has to keep drinking this liquid and even when he wants to stop and tells Harry to kill him he can't stop. Dumbledore gets back to the school and all the evil folk are there. Draco is supposed to kill Dumbledore but can't because he is Draco so Snape does it. He actually kills him! I thought this was some weird trick or something. Nope. He done! As the bad folk leave Harry tries to stop them and Snape is like “Bitch, you can't hurt me. I'm the Half-Blood Price.” Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide to skip the next school year (now?!) and find the rest of the Horcruxes.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (8/10)
So Dumbledore dead. Voldemort and all the Death Eaters meet up with Snape. He says the Order of the Phoenix are gonna take and protect Harry. Voldemort takes Draco's dads wand because his own won't work against Harry. The Order grab Harry and disguise themselves as him and a bunch of them get taken out because someone was a traitor. A a wedding that shouldn't even be happening right now Harry, Ron, and Hermione get gifts from Dumbledore. Ron gets a Deluminator that grabs light, Hermione gets a book (meh), and Harry gets the Sword of Gryffindor. Cool!
While traveling with a locket that is a Horcrux Ron starts acting like an asshole. He was injured after an adventure where they snuck into the bad folks lair. He starts thinking Harry wants a slice of Hermione and leaves. Harry and Hermione finds clues and get to this old lady's place and she turns out to be Voldemort's damn snake and Hermione teleports them away but Harry's wand breaks in the process. By this point Harry is in full asshole mode. Like, its been building through the series but he is peak asshole now. Harry finds a sword that is needed to destroy the locket. Harry dives in the water to get the locket but it starts to choke him. Ron shows up and saves Harry and destroys the locket. The kids find Xenophilius Lovegood and he tells them about the Deathly Hallows. Its a cool story. He turns on the kids because they have his daughter Luna and Death Eaters show up. Dumb ass. The kids are locked away and Voldemort breaks into Dumbledore's grave to steal the Elder Wand. The disrespect!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (9/10)
I forgot to mention that Dobby died. Yeah. Dobby dead. The kids get help breaking into Bellatrix's vault. She the asshole that killed Sirius Black. This weird troll wants to trade helping them for Harry's sword. They sneak in and its dangerous as hell and gets worse when they set off a trap that keeps multiplying things in the room. They set a dragon free and it burns the shit out of folks and the kids ride away on it. The kids sneak back onto Hogwarts and there are still kids there. Just don't go! Let your parents know that you wanna change schools. People have died! Snape finds out that Harry is back and he pops up like “Let's go!” and a battle breaks out. Harry finds a ghost whose mother Voldemort messed with. Ron and Hermione destroy another Horcrux. Harry also realizes that the snake that Voldemort has is his final Horcrux. Voldemort knows that he can't use the wand he took from Dumbledore because Draco didn't kill him but Snape did so he goes off and fucking kills him. Harry goes to him and he collects one of his tears and gets his whole life story. Harry's father was a dick. Snape loved Harry's mom. Dumbledore pretty much knew that Harry was born to die along with Voldemort because Harry is accidentally Voldemort's actual last Horcrux. Its fucked up.
Harry and Voldemort meet for battle after the school has been slaughtered and folks have been dying left and right. Harry is killed and meets Dumbledore in some weird afterlife. Voldemort brings his body back but Harry is like “Corpsus Not Deadis!” and Neville yanks a sword out the sorting hat. Draco's family all bounce. Ron's mom kills Bellatrix. Neville cuts the snakes head off. Harry kills Voldemort finally! So Harry and his friends decide to leave and Harry breaks the most powerful wand in existence like a nerd. There is a flash forward showing Harry married to Ron's sister sending his son to Hogwarts and Ron and Hermione married with a kid. Happy endings for all.
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