The Review: Tag

Tag 5/10

I did not expect this movie to be as funny as it was or have such well done action sequences. Tag kept being suggested to me and I remember someone saying that it was like Hawkeye having his own solo film already in this. So I watched this and liked it. This is based off the true story of a group of friends who have been playing the game of tag for decades. They take this shit to brand new levels to tag one another. There are rules and it takes place only in May. They find out that the best player who has never been tagged is getting married soon and plans to never play the game again so they meet up to head their and get him before he can.

Sitting In The Aisle: Booksmart

Booksmart 8/10

My name is Dante and I am a 40 year old Black dude that really liked a movie about two White chicks wanting to party before graduating high school. By the way, full of random ass spoilers. A coworker told me that this movie Booksmart was funnier than Tropic Thunder and I told her to hold her horses because I fucking love that movie and the commentary makes it even better. This was funny and had some parts that made me crack up. I love Gigi. I want an entire movie with her just appearing in places unexpectedly. This is about two girls named Amy and Molly. They are the type of people that you roll your eyes at or sigh when they enter the room and the other students do. Amy has been out of the closet for a couple of years and her religious family is fine with it. They just don't want details. She plans to head to Botswana after school to make tampons for women in villages. Yeah. She has a crush on this skateboarding girl named Ryan whose voice I loved. Molly plans to go to Yale, get a great job, and a great career.

The Review: Tomb Raider

Tomb Raider 1/10

What the hell was this butt fest of a movie? Don't think I was sitting here hoping this movie would blow my mind with a great story and incredible action. But I did at least hope it would be fun and cheesy. Wasn't fun. Wasn't cheesy. It just existed. That is a good way to describe this. It just existed. Things happened on screen, people were hit (mostly Lara Croft), explosions happened, and it threatened the world with a sequel that I assure you will never happen. I am sure I said the same thing about the Tomb Raider film from back in the day but that was when Angelina Jolie had that boom boom pow. I won't even compare that and this movie because they were both ass. Just not fun shit that costs way more than they should've. I would have taken that 90 million bucks and invested in three seasons of the most epic Zelda series ever seen. So yeah. You may notice I'm not actually talking about the movie. That's cause it blew creepy clowns. Not all that much to say.

The Review: Fahrenheit 451

Fahrenheit 451 (2/10)

This movie was butt which sucks because it stars two guys that I am a super fan of. I heard about this movie last year but after it came out heard no reviews or anything. So I went into this thinking it was gonna be a cool movie about books burning, lessons to learn from the pasts mistakes, and if anything really good acting. This turned out to be super bland. There was nothing spectacular about it. Every time someone spoke it was like the screen was saying “This is acting and you are watching a movie.” You know how powerfully bland your writing and directing has to be to conquer the powers of both Shannon and Jordan? By the way this Fahrenheit 451 movie is so different from the book there is no actual need to compare the two. I was able to watch this as just a movie and judge it based on that alone.

The Review: The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot

The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot 8/10

Spoilerific. Last night I watched this movie The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot based solely only the title. Well, that and I like the star of the movie. I figured that this would be a movie like Big Fish where this old guy would talk about the weird things he has done in his life and you would see that some of it was true and the other parts made up or like Bubba Ho Tep where it was real and no one believed him. Turns out that I was wrong on both fronts. This guy legit kills both Hitler and Bigfoot in his lifetime and it was pretty damned groovy.

The Review: Bad Times At El Royale

Bad Times At The El Royale 5/10

I watched the movie Bad Times At El Royale and it took me a little bit to figure out what kinda score I would give it. While watching I started to feel like it was taking too long to get really going and realized it was only about twenty minutes in. Then I thought “This feels like it was written and directed by the same person...” Turns out I was right. There is a certain feel that movies that have both and that feeling is usually a lack of editing, strange pacing, and being too long. This movie looks amazing. It was beautifully shot. The sound, the look, the acting were all good. But the pacing was all over the place. There were character arcs that were shown that I had figured out not because I am a clever bird but because it was pretty obvious. Priests are always bank robbers for real.

The Review: Good Omens

Good Omens 8/10

Over the weekend I checked out the new Amazon series Good Omens. This is the story of an angel and the demon who are both not that good at their jobs who over thousands of years become sorta friends and coworkers even though they have to keep their contact secret or else they will both face terrible ass consequences. That is the short version. The long version is that this show was really good, funny, and creative as fuck but it could have been weirder. I know that may sound strange for a show featuring hell zombies, asshole angels, aliens with duck bills, and the city of Atlantis rising. But it felt like the show was getting weirder and then got on track when it should've continued to be odd. The special effects were cheesy but in a good way that fit and I got the vibe of Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy while watching.

Sitting In The Aisle: Brightburn

Brightburn 9/10

Full of spoilers. I meant to see this new movie Brightburn last weekend but did not wanna deal with crowds of any sort over the holidays so I went and checked it out this morning. I remember seeing the trailer a while back and getting hype as fuck because it looked new and original. I thought it was an actual good looking Superman trailer until a woman yanked glass out her eye. This movie was far better than it had any right to be considering I only knew one name associated with it as well as the budget. This was a cool fucking movie. Not sure why it is not doing that well because I got way more than I expected. I legit had at least five jump scares. Not the new fake ones where suddenly the music gets loud but real “Oh, fuck me!” ones. If you are on the fence about seeing this based on reviews you have read or heard I suggest you pretend you can make your own decisions and go see this. We need more movies like this existing.