You Had One Job: New Mutants

Remember years ago when a New Mutants movie was coming out? And then a trailer came out but the movie didn't. Then another trailer came out and the movie still hadn't. Then a pandemic hit and the movie still didn't come out? Yeah. I do too. I was never a huge fan of the New Mutants comics but knew it existed and read some. It didn't get good until much later when older characters joined as mentors and such. I don't think I even mentioned this movie in any of my Excitement Level posts. It is such a “meh” team but these days they can take any character and make them interesting. No one could have predicted years ago that Deadpool would become one of the highest grossing comic movies.

The Review: 47 Meters Down Uncaged

47 Meters Down: Uncaged 3/10

I was seriously ready to give this movie a straight up 0/10 until the last ten minutes of 47 Meters Down: Uncaged. This movie decided to lose its fucking mind and I laughed so hard it started hurting. I'm not saying that you need to watch this because I wouldn't do that to you. But if you do watch the last part and experience the ridiculous shit. I never saw the first movie and have no desire to. This was enough. This weird ass girl Mia gets pushed into water in front of school and doesn't attack them which immediately let me know that this is a science fiction movie. She lives with her step-family and her stepsister Sasha gives zero fucks about her. Their father wants to send them on a boat ride to see sharks and just when they are about to board these friends of Sasha's snatch them away and they decided to go deep sea diving. Now, I have never been deep sea diving nor will I ever but this movie seems like a lesson in everything not to do. And the director wanted to see some young girls in bikinis.

The Review: Deathsport

Deathsport 2/10

I don't think I have ever told a motorcycle to shut up before. Before I even go on you do not need to see this movie. It is not even ninety minutes but feels like three hours. So many slow motion explosions and bikes jumping a whopping three feet off the air. Its extreeeeeeeme!!! Deathsport takes place in the year 3,000 and everyone is living in a weird ass future after the Neutron Wars. This dude named Kaz is riding around on a horse in fur draws with a clear sword being hunted by dudes on bikes with lasers that make you straight up vanish. He manages to get captured which was as shocking as a cartoon character dying. He gets locked in a cell with some other fur wearers who had a girl kidnapped by mutants. The place is run by a dude named Lord Zirpola who makes criminals fight for freedom against the laser bikes and for funsies he has women dance naked in a room full of dangling stripper pools that shock them eventually. He is losing his mind. He ends up dying after one of them just pulls him into the poles. It was weird.

The Review: Jay And Silent Bob Reboot

Jay And Silent Bob Reboot 5/10

This movie was fine. I watched Jay And Silent Bob Reboot on Amazon the other night and could not figure out all that much to say about it. I have seen every film by Kevin Smith for better or for worse. I used to have a comic he autographed back in the day someone got for me and he allegedly laughed because of my name. Over the years I have liked the films he has made less and less and I'm not sure if it is just because I can no longer relate. Clerks wasn't funny to me until I worked behind a register and I doubt I will have the feelings I know I should've while watching this because I don't have a kid and absolutely have zero desire to create one. Shockingly the guy known as making movies about dick and fart jokes has matured far more than I ever could.

Sitting In The Aisle: Bloodshot

Bloodshot 4/10

Almost everyone had a weird voice. That is the first thing I am gonna say about the Bloodshot movie. And this is gonna be full of spoilers which sounds weird even saying because the trailer shows the entire movie. While watching as soon as I saw certain characters I thought “Oh, he is gonna fight him because I saw it in the trailer even though they are teammates.” As much as I loved that trailer I did not expect it to spoil so much of this film. I used to read Bloodshot comics and even got some autographed years ago at Golden Apple. I wanted this to be an awesome ass movie but it just was not. The story was terrible but what kept bugging me was the use of slow motion way too much. Using it when nanites are repairing him, fine. But almost every fight scene uses it. And I understand not being able to die die. But you were a very good soldier. There is no need to just stand there eating bullets especially when there is actually a limit to your abilities. I am jumping ahead of myself.

The Review: The Muthers (1976)

The Muthers 6/10

This movie was fucking weird. Thanks, Miss Jackie. But not bad. I need to stop saying that whenever I am writing about a movie from the 70's. This is about some ladies that are pirates. For a minute. Then it turns into another lady prison movie. I was hoping to see a Black woman pirate movie but I guess I am gonna have to just superimpose wigs on them dudes from Captain Phillips. No wait. The fuck was the Somalian pirate one? Yeah. That is it. Wigs. Anyhoot. Kelly is the leader of the crew with Anggie. Not a typo. Same with the title of this. The Muthers is such an odd name. They sail the seas with their crew robbing idiots on yachts. They run into another pirate crew and shoot at them. It seems that when water explodes next to you death happens. Oh, and they have a big ass gun. Kelly is searching for her sister as well and is told that she is in a place called No Man's Land performing. Kelly seems sick of her sisters bullshit and goes searching for her.

The Review: She (1984)

She 6/10

This movie is a fucking fever dream! She was terrible but good but terrible but stupid but entertaining. I did not get bored watching this and spent most of the time going “The fuck?” I had to have said that out loud at least a dozen damn time. This takes place in a future ravaged by a nuclear war called The Cancellation. These two dudes set out to find the sister of one of them and end up being captured by a group of women led by a woman named She who says she is a goddess. They torture the men and have them chant all day. Its weird. The guys end up escaping and I legit can not tell you how because this entire movie is about ending up somewhere, captured, and escaping again. Two ladies from the tribe go to chase after them. I may mix up the order of captures by the way. There are at least three. Wait. Four. Okay. Fuck it. Let's go.

The Review: Dave Made A Maze

Dave Made A Maze 5/10

If I was doing this review based on how a film looked this would be a 10/10. Dave Made A Maze is a movie I heard about a few years back from a coworker who worked on it but could only find it on iTunes which means that I did not see it. I watched it today on Kanopy. After watching this I just kept thinking about how good it looked and not the story and that is something I usually attach to crazy action movies. This is about a guy named Dave whose girlfriend arrives after a weekend to find him inside of a cardboard maze he has built and is trapped inside of. She offers to come inside and he says no because it is not finished. She calls his friend to come help who then invites a bunch of random people including an interviewer and his crew.

The Review: Bringing Out The Dead

Bringing Out The Dead 9/10

I loved this crazy ass movie! I watched Bringing Out The Dead on Kanopy (which you can also do if you have a library card). I was sitting here trying to figure out what to watch since I have given up on Hunters and that movie Aeronauts was so boring that I didn't even bother writing a review for it. I had never seen this before and was shocked at the amount of stars in it. This is about a paramedic in New York during the early 90's. I think there is maybe one scene during the day and that's at the end of the movie. Frank Pierce is just over his job. He just drinks coffee and alcohol and sees ghosts especially the one of a girl he could not save. He gets a call to save a man that went into cardiac arrest and is able to get a pulse. His daughter Mary follows them to the hospital with them. There is also this guy named Noel who is acting crazy as hell who keeps begging for water. Another patient sick of his yelling gets off his own gurney and sets him free. Turns out Mary knows him. Everyone is sick of him and he repeatedly ends up back in the hospital.

You Had One Job: Altered Carbon Season 2

Altered Carbon Season 2

I just watched one episode of the new season of Altered Carbon and that was enough for me. Enough, I say! I loved the first season of the show but after reading the book knew I would have hated it. So glad I saw the show first. Then I was gifted the rest of the series of books (except the fourth one) so I like to think I know a metric shit ton about the universe of Takeshi Kovacs. In that post (click here for that) I mentioned some of the differences between the first book and the first season of the show. Now that I have read the books I was being super judgmental of this new season. From the start I was pissed! Well, maybe not pissed so much as insulted by the terrible writing. Also, Netflix is notorious for having shitty second seasons. 

The Review: Hunters Episode 3

Hunters Episode 3: While Visions of Safta Danced in His Head

Time for another review of Hunters on Amazon. I was trying to describe the pacing of this show to a friend and had trouble before realizing that it has something to do with the information dumps. Each episode flies by for being an hour long but the parts that I don't enjoy seem to make the show fully stop. They are important parts I guess but since I don't like certain characters it drags and then the last ten minutes so much happens. Thankfully a character I couldn't stand ends up dead. This starts with Jonah not handling the death of that Nazi dude well and going thorough some old letters that belonged to his grandmother. In one he finds out that Offerman is the one that gave her a number tattoo in Auschwitz. He is later told a story about how well known his grandmother was in the camps for her bravery. It was a cool story but having his friend Bootyhole there felt out of place to me and had me suspicious.

The Review: Hunters Episode 2

Hunters Episode 2: The Mourner's Kaddish

This entire episode made me want to punch Jonah in his face. This show is weird in that the hour flies by like half an hour. This starts off with a great introduction to the entire team. There are so many of them and within a minute or two they showed who all of them were and what they were good at. They didn't need to do an entire episode focused on each of them and it kept the story moving. The team head to a secret base built by Jonah's grandmother and he spots a note and is able to decipher it. They have a name and location to track down.

The detective Millie is trying to figure out information about the old lady killed in the shower with gas who was also working with NASA. Her people say that all her information and that of her brothers is missing which means this shit goes up high. Millie heads to the home of this old lady whose husband was a dentist for the Red Cross. Yeah. Sure. She snoops around and finds a tin full of teeth! The old lady busts her and she heads home to her girlfriend.