The Review: The Mummy (2017)

The Mummy 1/10

This movie deserved all the shit people said about it. L made me watch this after I left the channel on Pluto. What is it about? Team looking for buried treasures and find a huge tomb filled with mercury. Should have run out of the place at that point. Dude starts having visions of this hot woman who is in the tomb. They grab her sarcophagus and hop on a plane. Next thing you know his friend is possessed and he has to shoot him. Then the plane is attacked by crows which I didn't know was am Egyptian thing. Plane goes down and he survives after pushing the lady out with a parachute and he wakes up in a morgue unharmed. The rest of the movie is him taking too long to explain his visions, his now dead friend coming to him like a bootleg American Werewolf In London style, and getting captured by Dr Jekyll before racing desert storms after bringing his friend back to life because he is now a god of life and death. Yeah.

The Review: Inhumans Season 1

Inhumans 0/10

Why does Black Bolt make Zoolander face? I almost gave this series a negative number. Everyone that worked on this show should wipe it off their credits because I don't think it could help them in any way. I remembered that this was a show that existed and decided to watch. I was gonna do the first two episodes at first but then decided that if I was gonna be fair to it I needed to complete it. That means I wasted over seven hours of my life watching this. Thankfully I was doing other things while it was on otherwise I actually would've stopped sooner. This show doesn't give a fuck. Wanna know how I know this show doesn't give a fuck? Look at the credits.

That is some shit a child came up with. I hope. Speaking of hope, mine were high when I first heard this was gonna be a movie. That got scrapped and was gonna be attached to Agents of Shield which I stopped watching because everyone was too attractive. That issue appears in this as well but not as badly. I am gonna go through all the main characters and try to explain the story lines they had or lack of. This is what I know about Inhumans. I am a fan of Black Bolt. He's fucking cool. I had an Inhumans shirt back in the day. I know about the powers of the rest of the royal family the team consist of but don't really care all that much. I don't know a ton about the comics and have a very general knowledge of them. This helps to keep me from comparing this show to the comic and complaining about what they got wrong. I mean, I still will with what I know. But for the most part I was able to watch this and not connect it to the comic.

The Review: Dave Made A Maze

Dave Made A Maze 5/10

If I was doing this review based on how a film looked this would be a 10/10. Dave Made A Maze is a movie I heard about a few years back from a coworker who worked on it but could only find it on iTunes which means that I did not see it. I watched it today on Kanopy. After watching this I just kept thinking about how good it looked and not the story and that is something I usually attach to crazy action movies. This is about a guy named Dave whose girlfriend arrives after a weekend to find him inside of a cardboard maze he has built and is trapped inside of. She offers to come inside and he says no because it is not finished. She calls his friend to come help who then invites a bunch of random people including an interviewer and his crew.

The Review: Mommy Dead And Dearest

Mommy Dead And Dearest 8/10

When your own father suggests flushing your ashes down the toilet you know you have to be one of the most ain't shit humans to ever walk the planet. I just watched Mommy Dead And Dearest on HBO and my god it is nuts. I know that there is a series on Hulu but I ain't got time to be watching people pretend to be real folks when I can watch the actual people involved tell their story? By the way. The song during the credits? I get it. It has the name of the girl that this is about but seriously? That was super classless. This is about a girl named Gypsy Rose Blanchard who along with her boyfriend were charged for murdering her mother Dee Dee Blanchard. I had heard a little bit about this like the fact that the mom was pretending the daughter was sick for attention and money. What I did not know was that this little girl was now in her early 20's and that her mother had a whole laundry list of issues that she said her daughter had.

The Review: Dead Body

Dead Body 4/10

Full of spoilers. The other day I watched this movie on Shudder called Dead Body with B&H and Beastman. This movie...it is hard to call it bad because the ending works so well. Not the actual ending but a part near the end. This movie is about a group of people meeting up in a cabin in the middle of nowhere to celebrate before heading off to college. Never mind the fact that almost everyone looks like they are in their 30's. I can't remember the names so I will call people what they were. Stuffy Guy invited two Japanese students over and Stupid Girl. Japanese Boy and Japanese Girl are there for jokes so don't mind them too much. Stupid Girl invites Thug Man, Emo Girl, Crush Boy, Small Dude, and Stoner Dude. Already that is five people who should not have been here invited by Stupid Girl. Crush Boy likes Stupid Girl but she is into Thug Man so that kills his romance and chance to bone down for the weekend.

The Review: Abducted In Plain Sight

Abducted In Plain Sight - The Fuck?!/10

Holy fucking shit! Jasmine has been telling me to watch this documentary on Netflix called Abducted In Plain Sight for a while now and after more bullying from her I decided to check it out. She had told me some things about it like dick touching by parents and multiple kidnappings but my body was still not ready for the amount of ridiculous shit that happened to this family. This dude named Robert “Bob/B.” Berchtold targeted this family with the hopes of marrying their 12 year old daughter Jan Broberg. I shit you not, I shouted “What?!” so many times while watching this you would've thought I just discovered Lil Jon. So this dude Berchtold has his own wife and family and starts kicking it with the Broberg family. He is super into the daughter and details as much in recordings he made. Crazy assholes always gotta record shit.

The Review: Radius

Radius 3/10

Oh, this had the chance to be so damned good! This will have spoilers. I watched some review show or something and heard about this movie on Netflix called Radius. I liked the premise. People who get within fifty feet of this guy just drop dead. Now, with a movie like this I need for there to be a reason why given. Well I got that reason and laughed my ass off when it was shown. More on that later. So this guy wakes up with his head bleeding near a road and flags down someone for help. The car veers off the road and the driver is dead. He gets their phone to call 911 and can't remember his name but sees it is Liam (Diego Klattenhoff) after checking his wallet. He walks into a diner and everyone is dead. People just dying around this guy! He locks himself in his house thinking there may be some kinda virus floating around killing folk. He is not just killing people either. Birds just drop dead out the sky when they fly over him. He is super effective. Now he knows he is the reason things are dying.

The Review: Life

Life 3/10

In space everyone screams like a bitch. I just watched the movie Life and like with most films about space it seems to have a lot of smart people making bad decisions to move the story along. I have listened to interviews with astronauts and just to get the chance to get on a ship requires a ton of smarts and work. You can't just be like “I wanna go to the spaces!” and they slap a suit on your and next thing you know you're propelling yourself in zero gravity with the power of pee thrust. This movie stars Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds, Hiroyuki Sanada, Ariyon Bakare, and Olga Dihovichnaya. If only you could see how much red was in my spell check right now.

The Review: Rough Night

Rough Night 1/10

I laughed during one scene when some guys were buying adult diapers in slow motion. It wasn't really a laugh so much as a smile with sound. Rough Night stars Scarlett Johansson, Zoë Kravitz, Kate McKinnon, Jillian Bell, and Ilana Glazer. I enjoy four of those five people and while I didn't expect this to be an incredible film or anything I did not think this would be as lame as it was. This is not a funny movie but should have been. It felt like everyone was just acting out scenes and not really committed. Five friends from college get together for a bachelorette party an end up killing a guy and trying to get rid of his body and alleged funny ensues. Everyone is exactly what you think they are from being introduced. The mother getting divorced will hook up with her ex girlfriend from college. The one running for senate will win. The party girl will fuck up and because she is heavier will take the brunt of punishment. I'm sure it was fun to make this movie and be on set but it did not translate to film well. This was a straight up waste of time.

Click here for previous The Review.

The Review: Badder Ben

Badder Ben 6/10

This one was made for the fans. So today B&H decided that I had to watch the sequel to Bad Ben called Badder Ben. I didn't know how they could make a sequel based on how the last one ended. This team of researchers or something decide that they need to record some ghostly and spooky stuff and gather all the video from the first film where that poor dude Tom Riley got his ass kicked by Ben. Turns out that he survived and they even manage to use facial recognition to track him down because even though he was attacked more than any human in existence by a ghost he still has to play the lottery. They pay him some cash and decide that they need to make Ben appear.

The Review: The Glass Castle

The Glass Castle 4/10

Years ago I read the book The Glass Castle and loved it. I remember seeing a trailer for this and got excited because the cast of Brie Larson and Woody Harrelson. It is on Amazon so I decided to check it out today and was super disappointed with it. I was not comparing it to the book since I can not recall the book completely, just a feeling of “Wow, this lady is way more forgiving of her parents than I would be.” This movie makes it seem even more so and by the end it felt like I was straight up watching a movie and could not even enjoy it anymore and the longer it went, it's over two hours, I was like You know what? I totally could not have seen this and been fine.”

The Review: Beyond Skyline

Beyond Skyline 5/10

This movie made negative money at the box office. It is not super hard to understand why though. Beyond Skyline is a sequel to Skyline which I remember existing but id not watch. I think a few other movies with the same premise came out around the same time where L.A was being attacked by aliens. This movie was not terrible and what made it enjoyable was the star Frank Grillo who is my new Steven Seagal but in better shape and without all the controversy. Grillo is a police detective named Mark Corley going to pick up his fuck up of a son from jail. His car does not work so they take a subway train. Explosions start happening and they have to bounce.

The Review: Power Rangers

Power Rangers 2/10

Sometimes I feel like watching a nonsense ass film while I iron. The one I chose today was Power Rangers. I was not a huge fan of the original series though I was a major fan (and still am) of the Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson. Seriously. She is one of the cutest women to ever exist. Back to the new crap. All I knew about this movie was that one of the villains looked terrible when he finally appeared and I was not disappointed. He looked real bad. This will be full of spoilers aka time saving.

The Review: Brockmire

Brockmire 9/10

A few weeks back I started watching this show Brockmire on Hulu that originally aired on IFC with Sarah. I had never heard of it but knew who the stars Hank Azaria and Amanda Peet were and knew the face of Tyrel Jackson Williams. Just so folks know, I am not close to being a fan of baseball. It is fun to play but I do not understand watching it. So the idea of a show that is about an announcer, on paper, should be a show I avoid like the plague. But this turned out to be one of the funniest shows I've ever seen and am excited about the new season starting in a few weeks.

The Review: Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets

Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets 2/10

I just finished watching Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets on Amazon. This movie should have been called And Then Something Happened because I'm not even sure how to describe this messy ass film. Things happen, people run, and then something happens and they have to explain stuff, then something happens, and they run and shoot at other things. It stars Dane DeHaan as Major Valerian and his partner Sergeant Laureline played by Cara Delevingne. He wants to marry her even though she has a record of all the women he has banged and there is some aggressive flirting on his part but it seems super forced. Meanwhile in space space space...

Theater Whore: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri 10/10

Tonight Cam and I headed to The Arclight to check out Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I'd wanted to see this earlier this year and found out it wasn't coming out till way later. If I had seen this sooner I would have easily added it to my Best Movie Of 2017 list. This is one of those movies that looks really dark but has some funny parts but turned out to be an actual dark comedy. It helps that there was an old lady in the theater meowing and making spooky sounds randomly. Sounds terrible but that shit was hilarious. Seriously. One of the best parts of going to movies is looking at other movie goers. The theater was pretty packed but we had some good seats because I am a professional seat picker.

The Review: Goon Last Of The Enforcers

Goon Last Of The Enforcers 6/10

I had no idea that the movie Goon Last Of The Enforcers had been added to Netflix. I really liked the first movie so I decided to check this one out. It has the same cast as last time which was cool like Seann William Scott, Liev Schreiber, Alison Pill who I have an odd crush on, and Jay Baruchel. Baruchel actually helped write this and produced and directed it. The story for this one is that Doug “The Thug” Glatt played by Scott is still doing his thing kicking folks asses on ice but being super polite about it getting his own ass beat for the first time and suffering concussion symptoms and an arm injury. His now wife played by Pill is pregnant now so it is time to figure some shit out with his life.

Worst Movies Of 2017

Man, when they decided to make bad movies this year they went all the hell out. Usually when I make my list at the end of the year there are a lot of in the middle films that I give 5's and 6's to. Not in 2017. Movies were either great like in my Best Of 2017 list or super stanky like in this Worst Movies Of 2017. This was the year of making things no one asked for. Here is my list of movies that I wasted my time on the past year. I'll be making some sort of list of TV shows I watched the past year.

The Review: Wormwood

Wormwood 9/10

I decided to check out this short series on Netflix called Wormwood and I can't even tell you why exactly but I am so glad that I did. This is a mixture of documentary, movie, and holy shit the government is terrifying. This is the story of a guy named Eric Olson who is trying to find out if his father Frank Olson who was a CIA employee who was part of an experiment called MK Ultra which consisted of drugging agents with LSD killed himself by jumping from a window or if he was killed. Peter Sarsgaard plays Frank in flashback scenes. This features interviews with people involved, investigators, and lawyers as they try to figure out what the fuck really happened.

The Review: Bright

Bright 1/10

This movie is a mess. There will be spoilers. I just finished watching the Netflix movie called Bright and am trying to figure out how they could make a movie about orcs living in present times kung fu elves could be this whack. This should not have been a two hour movie. This has so much shit happening and history that it absolutely needed to have been at least a three season show. Will Smith is a cop along with his partner played by Joel Edgerton who is an Orc cop. I guess two thousand years ago Orcs and humans fought together is some great battle but humans still treat Orcs like shit.