Monday, March 19, 2018

The Review: Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets



Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets 2/10

I just finished watching Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets on Amazon. This movie should have been called And Then Something Happened because I'm not even sure how to describe this messy ass film. Things happen, people run, and then something happens and they have to explain stuff, then something happens, and they run and shoot at other things. It stars Dane DeHaan as Major Valerian and his partner Sergeant Laureline played by Cara Delevingne. He wants to marry her even though she has a record of all the women he has banged and there is some aggressive flirting on his part but it seems super forced. Meanwhile in space space space...


Some aliens that are so peaceful they are boring are enjoying life until they get blown up. You find out why later but by that point I was just watering my plants and waiting for this to end. I wish that were a metaphor for something else but I was literally watering my plants. There is more shooting and running and weird aliens explaining shit that I didn't care about followed by more revelations and Rihanna shows up as a shape shifting alien that dies minutes later after also making the shape of my pants change.


This movie was stupid. I didn't even hate it. I just felt kinda bad for everyone in it because with the cast (minus Delevingne) they had it and the director who has lost his touch this should have been incredible. Instead it felt empty as shit and like I was watching a two hour cut scene from a video game. All the CGI characters felt weightless and I could feel the actors acting against nothing but space and a tennis ball. Don't bother watching this. You'll get nothing out of it.

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