Sunday, March 11, 2018

The Review: Road House



Road House 8/10

If I had seen Road House as a child chances are I would have tried to get into shape. The problem is that movies I grew up watching had buff ass dudes but they didn't get the girl. They just beat folks up. Not in this movie though. He gets the girl and even a car that blinks. I am getting way too ahead of myself. Robes settled on this for our viewing pleasure. I also dare you to make me put a spoiler warning for a movie that is damn near 30 years old! Go ahead. You know what I used to do to guys like you in prison?


Road House stars Patrick Swayze as Dalton in his ultimate form. He got the hair, the body, and the voice you can barely hear that somehow gets harder to understand when he yells. Which is rare because he is a bouncer/philosopher. Why punch things when you can just calm folks down? And when they don't wanna calm down you can just kick them in the face or throw them through windows. Whatevs. I can dig it. He works at a bar in New York until one day this guy shows up and offers him a higher paying gig in Jasper, Missouri called Double Deuce. Men dancing in shirts that are too small, no shirts, Miami Vice jackets, women wearing prom dresses with two foot high hair, and everyone has a knife. 


This place is a dump. Employees are stealing, women are dancing on tables for free, guys are pimping their ladies out for $20 breasts touches (which is still an amazing deal!), and the band leader is a blind dude that has to play behind chicken wire because bottles being thrown on stage is a strange form of applause. After the first night Dalton fires a bunch of staff for everything mentioned above. They get mad at jack up his car which doesn't matter since every place you need to get to is a belch and a holler away. Dalton gets stabbed and ends up meeting Dr. Elizabeth Clay played by Kelly Lynch. They like each other because it is Swayze in the 80's and her draws practically fly off her body when he says romantic shit like “Pain don't hurt.” Word?


The bad guy Wesley wants Dalton to join his band of losers and run the town of Jasper which means...I'm not sure. The place is 98% drunk assholes and 2% ladies that hang out with them. There is the bar, a hospital, a farm, and a hardware shop. That is it. It isn't like there is some huge drug ring running out of the place. 


Wesley spends his free time having shit blown up, driving like a jackass, or scaring horses with his helicopter. Dalton doesn't wanna join with him for all the reasons I listed above so Wesley ups the explosions and keeps sending his goons to fight Dalton and they just keep coming back with their asses kicked. Then Sam Elliot shows up!


Wade Garrett (Elliot) was known as the best bouncer around and taught Dalton. They do some tag team ass kicking until he ends up dead at the hands of Wesley's best fighter meaning the one that isn't covered in bandages. Dalton wants his revenge and no amount of tai chi is gonna calm him down. He ends up battling against this dude and he utters one of the most equally baffling, terrifying, and strangest threats I have ever heard from a villain.


Dalton ends up ripping the guys throat out and Elizabeth gives him a look like “Um....wow” and leaves. Dalton beats up Wesley's other guys and in the mansion all the old dudes that have been fucked over by Wesley take turns shooting him to death. The cops show up and they all say they saw nothing. Next thing you know Dalton is having sex in swamp water with the doctor and the movie ends. I was cracking up laughing at this movie. The clothes, the hair, the everything about this movie. It was the last of the 80's when this was made and they went all out to get that last drop of chaos that decade wrought.

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