Road
House 8/10
If I
had seen Road House as a child chances are I would have tried to get
into shape. The problem is that movies I grew up watching had buff
ass dudes but they didn't get the girl. They just beat folks up. Not
in this movie though. He gets the girl and even a car that blinks. I
am getting way too ahead of myself. Robes settled on this for our
viewing pleasure. I also dare you to make me put a spoiler warning
for a movie that is damn near 30 years old! Go ahead. You know what I
used to do to guys like you in prison?
Road
House stars Patrick Swayze as Dalton in his ultimate form. He got the
hair, the body, and the voice you can barely hear that somehow gets
harder to understand when he yells. Which is rare because he is a
bouncer/philosopher. Why punch things when you can just calm folks
down? And when they don't wanna calm down you can just kick them in
the face or throw them through windows. Whatevs. I can dig it. He
works at a bar in New York until one day this guy shows up and offers
him a higher paying gig in Jasper, Missouri called Double Deuce. Men
dancing in shirts that are too small, no shirts, Miami Vice jackets,
women wearing prom dresses with two foot high hair, and everyone has
a knife.
This
place is a dump. Employees are stealing, women are dancing on tables
for free, guys are pimping their ladies out for $20 breasts touches
(which is still an amazing deal!), and the band leader is a blind
dude that has to play behind chicken wire because bottles being
thrown on stage is a strange form of applause. After the first night
Dalton fires a bunch of staff for everything mentioned above. They
get mad at jack up his car which doesn't matter since every place you
need to get to is a belch and a holler away. Dalton gets stabbed and
ends up meeting Dr. Elizabeth Clay played by Kelly Lynch. They like
each other because it is Swayze in the 80's and her draws practically
fly off her body when he says romantic shit like “Pain don't hurt.”
Word?
The
bad guy Wesley wants Dalton to join his band of losers and run the
town of Jasper which means...I'm not sure. The place is 98% drunk
assholes and 2% ladies that hang out with them. There is the bar, a
hospital, a farm, and a hardware shop. That is it. It isn't like
there is some huge drug ring running out of the place.
Wesley spends
his free time having shit blown up, driving like a jackass, or
scaring horses with his helicopter. Dalton doesn't wanna join with
him for all the reasons I listed above so Wesley ups the explosions
and keeps sending his goons to fight Dalton and they just keep coming
back with their asses kicked. Then Sam Elliot shows up!
Wade
Garrett (Elliot) was known as the best bouncer around and taught
Dalton. They do some tag team ass kicking until he ends up dead at
the hands of Wesley's best fighter meaning the one that isn't covered
in bandages. Dalton wants his revenge and no amount of tai chi is
gonna calm him down. He ends up battling against this dude and he
utters one of the most equally baffling, terrifying, and strangest
threats I have ever heard from a villain.
Dalton
ends up ripping the guys throat out and Elizabeth gives him a look
like “Um....wow” and leaves. Dalton beats up Wesley's other guys
and in the mansion all the old dudes that have been fucked over by
Wesley take turns shooting him to death. The cops show up and they
all say they saw nothing. Next thing you know Dalton is having sex in
swamp water with the doctor and the movie ends. I was cracking up
laughing at this movie. The clothes, the hair, the everything about
this movie. It was the last of the 80's when this was made and they
went all out to get that last drop of chaos that decade wrought.
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