Life
3/10
In
space everyone screams like a bitch. I just watched the movie Life
and like with most films about space it seems to have a lot of smart
people making bad decisions to move the story along. I have listened
to interviews with astronauts and just to get the chance to get on a
ship requires a ton of smarts and work. You can't just be like “I
wanna go to the spaces!” and they slap a suit on your and next
thing you know you're propelling yourself in zero gravity with the
power of pee thrust. This movie stars Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca
Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds, Hiroyuki Sanada, Ariyon Bakare, and Olga
Dihovichnaya. If only you could see how much red was in my spell
check right now.
After
a trip from Mars gathering space shit these astronauts start checking out this
sample that could or could not be something special. They name is
Calvin. They run tests and then one day one of them sticks his finger
in this protecting glass and starts playing with it. Yeah, everything
is all cute and fun until it grabs his punkass hand and starts making
it sound like a bag of Dorito's. It's fight time. Another one of them
gets locked in a room with Calvin and tries to burn him. He ends up
getting mouth fucked by the alien until his head explodes. So that's
that.
The
rest of the movie is watching this thing chase people from locked
location to locked location while dying one by one is weird space
ways. This was not as scary as I thought it would be or had the
potential to be. I think because the bigger the creature got the
sillier it looked. If it had stayed the small starfish size that
would have been creepier because fuck things going down your throat
unasked. The movie looked nice and had a good cast but the writing
was ass. These people made way too many dumb mistakes for me to take
this seriously.
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