The Review: Inhumans Season 1

Inhumans 0/10

Why does Black Bolt make Zoolander face? I almost gave this series a negative number. Everyone that worked on this show should wipe it off their credits because I don't think it could help them in any way. I remembered that this was a show that existed and decided to watch. I was gonna do the first two episodes at first but then decided that if I was gonna be fair to it I needed to complete it. That means I wasted over seven hours of my life watching this. Thankfully I was doing other things while it was on otherwise I actually would've stopped sooner. This show doesn't give a fuck. Wanna know how I know this show doesn't give a fuck? Look at the credits.

That is some shit a child came up with. I hope. Speaking of hope, mine were high when I first heard this was gonna be a movie. That got scrapped and was gonna be attached to Agents of Shield which I stopped watching because everyone was too attractive. That issue appears in this as well but not as badly. I am gonna go through all the main characters and try to explain the story lines they had or lack of. This is what I know about Inhumans. I am a fan of Black Bolt. He's fucking cool. I had an Inhumans shirt back in the day. I know about the powers of the rest of the royal family the team consist of but don't really care all that much. I don't know a ton about the comics and have a very general knowledge of them. This helps to keep me from comparing this show to the comic and complaining about what they got wrong. I mean, I still will with what I know. But for the most part I was able to watch this and not connect it to the comic.

Basically they are all humans. They get sprayed with this Terrigen mist and they get a power. You don't get to pick your power and if it is wack you end up working in the mines. This makes me wonder how one member of the team was allowed to stay. I'll get to him because his hoofed ass pissed me off. So you get in this mist, get a power, and go about your life. You might end up with pretty butterfly wings which are useless or you might turn into a giant fucking wall that teleports people but not without hurting yourself.

Black Bolt. He is the leader of the team and boring as fuck. Not because he doesn't speak but because he never changes his face. Just because you don't speak doesn't mean your face stops moving. He can't talk because if he does he'll blow things up. He turns his parents into splatter when he was little. His wife translates everything he says so you have to watch him slap his hands together and then have her say what he said. Use subtitles! And no one else bothered to learn to speak using sign language either. They all use communicators when they are apart and his doesn't even have text! His wife calls him and he is like “...” I cracked up laughing. He rules over the kingdom Attilan which is located on the moon under a shield that keeps people from seeing it...until they do. I'll get to that soon enough. So he rules as his parents did. He is a dick. They have a total slave system on a fucking moon planet and he is totally fine with it.

He gets sent to Hawaii and within minutes steals a suit, gets beaten by cops, and arrested. He then gets taken to prison and meets a prisoner who also has powers, causes a riot, escapes, meets a scientist who is way too quick to try to jam a needle in folks, escapes, bumbles around for several episodes, gets home, wants slavery to come back, buries his brother in rubble on the moon, and then comes back to Earth and wants to be accepted as normal or whatever. This fucker uses his powers twice. Once when he winced like a little bitch cause a cop hit him and when burying his brother alive. I'm not saying he needed to shout every episode or something. That would be silly. But since you have a guy that doesn't talk, doesn't even have his fucking awesome costume, and makes no facial expressions, he needs to be surrounded by interesting people at all times. He isn't. At all. Like, ever. Black Bolt has no personality and trusts no one even though all they talk about is trust and family on this show.

Medusa. She is the queen of Attilan. She has the ability to control her hair. It looks bad. I know that was one of the biggest complaints when this show was first shown but it is very true. Her wig is terrible and when she uses her powers it gets worse. She gets her hair cut off and now she is just a boring ass lady. She is mean to everyone not her husband and she doesn't even trust him all that much (for good reason). She and everyone else act like they just met. She lands in Hawaii and gets everything for free! Meaning she steals stuff. She gets on a bus for hours. Sneaks into a house and they happen to have stylish clothes that fit her perfectly. She mourns her hair a few times. She tells Black Bolt she wants to be a queen, but, like, for reals this time and speak for herself.

They gave this poor lady no personality. So far the top two characters act like they don't know each other and just got married. So when they show that they have known each other since they were children (through the use of so many terrible flashbacks) it makes their relationship even more confusing. By the way, she gets her head shaved with clippers. They have fucking clippers on the moon! They act somehow both very futuristic and primitive at the same time. They have the ability to teleport anywhere and have devices that turn them into another species but she is puzzled by how an ATM works but somehow knows what money is and how it is used.

Karnak. He can predict how things go. That is it. He is also an asshole because he just says shit out loud about how pointless everything is because black holes exists and whatever. He gets zapped to Hawaii and bonks his head and loses his abilities which then teach him to learn to trust instincts and take chances. Pretty sure he's the only person to have some form of character development. He stumbles across some weed growers and allowed to join them. The leader is a psychopath. He likes the girl but won't say anything so the girl falls for Karnak because nothing is hotter than a tattoo faced man with a head wound who says he is from the moon. Drug dude kills the other guy and tries to kill Karnak and the woman but he gets killed by other drug dudes. Karnak gets back to the moon and brings a dead team mate back to life using the Terrigen mists which is super illegal and he suffers no consequences because its not a good look to have the only Black team member stay dead. This story could have been one episode but like every other one in this season it drags the fuck on.

Gorgon. They made this guy the dumbest in the crew. He is the leader of the royal guard which explains why shit is so fucked up. He loses almost every fight. His planning sucks. He does dumb things. They show a flashback of him stealing the flag off the moon leaving hoof prints all over the place. He does this present day which puts the entire kingdom on the radar. He lands in Hawaii and meets up with the most militant Hawaiians ever. They immediately just wanna join up with him and shoot some people.

They fail and one of them dies. He later gets killed sacrificing himself to kill a guy who is supposed to be the most dangerous other than Black Bolt. He gets brought back to life and is acting crazy and pretty much a brain dead brute now. He has these terrible looking hoof feet at the start of the show and they give up a few later since when he walks it looks like he is wearing high heels. And they don't even hide that they've given up. They have a scene where he is gonna crush a woman and 90% of the screen is his regular ass human looking foot. His power is he stomps really hard. That's about it.

Crystal. This character was pretty useless. Her dog Lockjaw was far more interesting. He would teleport people where they needed to be. And she was a shit dog owner. The castle gets overthrown and she is in bed listening to her space Walkman. She has the ability to use ice and fire and lightning. She should be awesome. She ain't. Her dog gets drugged and she wakes him and makes him teleport to Hawaii and a minute later he is run over by an ATV. The most handsome man is the driver and they like each other. His ex shows up and calls cops eventually. I honestly don't remember what else the fuck she does. I remember her mostly from the Fantastic Four cartoon. She racist against humans, too! She and the rest of the Inhumans think that humans are all about war and pain which is funny considering how their raggedy little city lives. They have moon slaves! The writing for her seemed a little bit worse than for any other character.

Maximus. I still wanna know how this man got electric clippers on the moon. He is Black Bolt's younger brother. He has the Inhuman gene but when he got into the Terrigen mist he actually lost his Inhuman-ness and become a regular ass human. The city hates him and knows he should be a slave in the mines but won't because he is royal. He easily gets everyone to turn against Black Bolt and Medusa. He has a human on Earth he is using to make an injection so he can get powers. His plan in not well thought out. He kills too many important people and uses this boy who just got powers to tell him his shaky ass future. It is pretty stupid. He is Ramsey Bolton but less methodical. When he takes over he is not lying about how the royal family treats people. It makes no sense there is a slave system set up because you don't have a dope power.

It gets to a point where he is so right in his cause that they start making him do stupid super villain shit. He is like “I made a fail safe where if I die the city dies!” It isn't even explained properly. The shields that protect the city start to fall apart anyway and he is left to die after Black Bolt whispers and buries him with enough food and supplies forever. The rest of the city go through the portal and land on Earth.

This series was such bullshit. I wish it hadn't been made so that at some point in the future I could enjoy seeing a new movie without the taste of this in my mouth. I will never forgive them for making this show the way they did. Don't bother watching this show. It isn't so bad its good or even funny. It's just bad.

Anson Mount as Black Bolt

Serinda Swan as Medusa

Ken Leung as Karnak

Eme Ikwuakor as Gorgon

Isabelle Cornish as Crystal

Iwan Rheon as Maximus

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