I quickly realized I could not write this like a normal review and chose to just put my immediate thoughts down while watching.
Kylo Ren flies his ship like a damn lunatic.
They got jars of Snokes. Like a whole gang of the damn things.
Holy crap Palpatine got a lot of big ass ships. Why not just send them all out and start wrecking shit right now? What's the hold up?
Light speed jumping? I don't know shit about shit but that shit seems ridiculous. Have any other Star Wars movies tried that nonsense? It looks like what was done for a gag in Guardians Of The Galaxy 2.
There is a spy with the bad guys. Bet its that redheaded dude from Ex Machina.
They planet Rey is on looks pretty damn awesome. Everyone should live there.
Why y'all arguing like idiots about BB-8 being damaged and the Millennium Falcon being jacked up? The actual universe is in danger! Oh, lord. These are the people that are supposed to save everyone?
So there's a knife that can help with secret writing but C3PO's dumbass is forbidden to read it. Cool.
That is a large ass snake for no reason.
Oh. Rey can heal it. She does. It leaves. Okay then.
Rey just wandered off like a fucking nerd. Chewie gets captured and she uses Force Lightning to blow up the ship he's on. There is simultaneously too much and not enough happening at the same time.
So far I am not sure what's going on.
Holy shit they get captured a lot.
Rey is a Palpatine? I know he is the evil ashy dude from years ago, but for real? That seems...unlikely.
I knew it! That redheaded dude was the spy!
Rey wants to kill Palpatine for killing her parents. I know I should side with her and everything but I don't know shit about her really.
Palpatine threatening Kylo Ren. His new mask looks like something a kid made. I don't like the red cracks.
Ooh. Who is this Black chick?
Are you fucking kidding me with this compass knife?
Everyone talks British.
Now it is time for this Black chick to tell her story. How her hair fit in a Stormtrooper helmet? They need to switch back to using clones. These humans ain't loyal.
Did fucking Rey go off on her own again?! Jesus. Someone needs to always have eyes on her. She just does shit.
There is still an hour of this to go? How?!
Why are they wasting time showing Rey struggling to climb shit? She seems pretty unstoppable. Just fly up there.
Now Rey having a mirror match. Cool. Wait. Kylo is there?
This boy is hard trying to get her to the Dark Side. Like, no, dude.
The Asian chick that rammed the shit out of Finn in that last movie said one thing this whole film.
Finn. Guy. Let her go. This curly haired chick is hotter, y'all had the same job and life.
Rey and Kylo are spamming The Force button! Fuck these lightsabers! Just Force choke each other!
Leia using hacks. Wait. Is she dying? Did Rey just kill Kylo? With still an hour to go?!
Is she fucking healing Kylo?! For real?! I might not make it through this movie.
She wanted to take Ben's hand? Ben?! You don't even know him! He some fucking lunatic that is trying to get you to join his cult!
Damn. Chewie taking Leia's death harder than Han's.
What? What is Han Solo doing talking to his son? He dead. I seen't it!
He threw his lightsaber. Palpatine gonna be maaaaaad...
Hey, she got another line! These things are just laying around everywhere.
Damn, let Poe mourn in peace. Lando come in all nosy.
The fuck?! Luke Skywalker just catch Rey's lightsaber as she was throwing it away. What he say about respect? He threw his own saber away.
Leia had a lightsaber?
I see the dude from Felicity and the other from Lord Of The Rings. I saw the dude from Felicity in person once when I worked at UCLA. He was very handsome.
Poe's speech is trash. Who wrote this? (checks) Oh, god the only good thing he has written was Argo and everyone points out how many facts are wrong about that.
Does Finn have the fucking Force?
They rolled up on space ponies?! What am I watching?
I honestly don't care what Rey is up to right now and I know I'm supposed to. She just found some janky ass chair.
You never wanna hear an old man tell a young woman “Long have I waited.”
These music stingers are lightning are so over the top.
Of course she wants to kill you, you dry bastard.
This ground battle looks like a video game cut scene.
I guess when you stop being a Stormtrooper you gain the ability to shoot.
I legit forgot Kylo Ren existed until he just showed up again.
This Asian chick (her name is Rose) is steady trying to stop Finn from killing himself.
Kylo Ren got his ass kicked. Use some Force.
They just used some magic to hand off swords. Now Kylo know how to fight.
Palpatine getting moisturized! He sucking their souls out. This is dumb.
They killed Snap!
Poe is a terrible leader. Just getting everyone killed.
Jesus Christ. That's a lot of ships. No one can shoot without hitting like twenty other ships.
I'd be mad if I were in the Empire. Everything they build is easily destroyed.
I like the actress that voices that weird little creature Babu Frik. She is like in her 50's and 23 year old Dante's jam.
That's a lot of lightning.
Yeah, Rey Just lay there and let everyone explode. Its fine.
Its fine.
Thank god I have captions on. I don't know these old Jedi voices.
So marching at him with two lightsabers is enough to stop this powerful ass monster-man?
Finn is an idiot.
This whole battle was pointless. They could have just let Rey do what she was gonna do anyway and it would have ended the same.
Finn felt Rey drop? This fucker does have the Force!
Of course Kylo Ren is still alive.
They kissing?! At what point was the fact that this would happen established?! This dude was toxic as fuck!
He just evaporated! So did Leia! They got Raptured!
Oh lord Ewoks.
Finn looking for Rey like “Schwiggity schwootie, I'm comin' for that booty.”
You get a fuck buddy! And you get a fuck buddy!
Don't worry, Rey. No one in the main cast died.
Don't you tease like this Black chick is gonna get her own adventure with Lando!
Three-way hug!
Ooh, Jawas! I know those from The Mandalorian!
What she doing with these lightsabers? She Force burying them! Selfish!
Oh, she got an orange one. Those things are seriously just on the ground like used condoms in West Hollywood.
She better now say her last name is Skywalker.
She did it! She fucking said it!
That's it? That's how it ends?! Hahahaha! Oh, lord. I knew from the start that I couldn't write this like a normal review. Especially after the last movie I watched. It is a lot of things happening on screen that is just filler until someone gets captured or another fight happens. Now that I have officially seen every main Star Wars movie I feel that I can rank them (even though its been decades since I saw Episodes 1-6. I should just make a chart.
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