Sunday, March 22, 2020

The Review: Deathsport



Deathsport 2/10

I don't think I have ever told a motorcycle to shut up before. Before I even go on you do not need to see this movie. It is not even ninety minutes but feels like three hours. So many slow motion explosions and bikes jumping a whopping three feet off the air. Its extreeeeeeeme!!! Deathsport takes place in the year 3,000 and everyone is living in a weird ass future after the Neutron Wars. This dude named Kaz is riding around on a horse in fur draws with a clear sword being hunted by dudes on bikes with lasers that make you straight up vanish. He manages to get captured which was as shocking as a cartoon character dying. He gets locked in a cell with some other fur wearers who had a girl kidnapped by mutants. The place is run by a dude named Lord Zirpola who makes criminals fight for freedom against the laser bikes and for funsies he has women dance naked in a room full of dangling stripper pools that shock them eventually. He is losing his mind. He ends up dying after one of them just pulls him into the poles. It was weird.


The heroes escape by using the laser bikes quite easily and are hunted down by this dude named Ankar who killed Kaz's mother. These bikes that the bad guys use blow up if you stare at them hard. If they fall over. If they fail a jump. If they complete a jump. If another bike explodes near them. It's stupid. After “fighting” mutants they make it back to Helix, the good guys place, and Kax and Ankar have the type of sword fight you had with your friends as a child. He cuts the bad guys head off and a dummy's head rolls down a field that was nowhere in sight seconds ago and heads off with this lady Deneer. I shit you not, if you got out of bed this morning and walked into this universe you would be the greatest fighter alive unless you chose to lose. This was made in 1978 and everyone was on that devil's dandruff and you can tell.

David Carradine as Kaz Oshay
Claudia Jennings as Deneer
Richard Lynch as Ankar Moor
William Smithers as Dr. Karl
Will Walker as Marcus Karl
David McLean as Lord Zirpola

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