Deathsport
2/10
I
don't think I have ever told a motorcycle to shut up before. Before I
even go on you do not need to see this movie. It is not even ninety
minutes but feels like three hours. So many slow motion explosions
and bikes jumping a whopping three feet off the air. Its
extreeeeeeeme!!! Deathsport takes place in the year 3,000 and everyone is living in a
weird ass future after the Neutron Wars. This dude named Kaz is
riding around on a horse in fur draws with a clear sword being hunted
by dudes on bikes with lasers that make you straight up vanish. He
manages to get captured which was as shocking as a cartoon character
dying. He gets locked in a cell with some other fur wearers who had a
girl kidnapped by mutants. The place is run by a dude named Lord
Zirpola who makes criminals fight for freedom against the laser bikes
and for funsies he has women dance naked in a room full of dangling
stripper pools that shock them eventually. He is losing his mind. He
ends up dying after one of them just pulls him into the poles. It was
weird.
The
heroes escape by using the laser bikes quite easily and are hunted
down by this dude named Ankar who killed Kaz's mother. These bikes
that the bad guys use blow up if you stare at them hard. If they fall
over. If they fail a jump. If they complete a jump. If another bike
explodes near them. It's stupid. After “fighting” mutants they
make it back to Helix, the good guys place, and Kax and Ankar have
the type of sword fight you had with your friends as a child. He cuts
the bad guys head off and a dummy's head rolls down a field that was
nowhere in sight seconds ago and heads off with this lady Deneer. I
shit you not, if you got out of bed this morning and walked into this
universe you would be the greatest fighter alive unless you chose to
lose. This was made in 1978 and everyone was on that devil's dandruff
and you can tell.
David
Carradine as Kaz Oshay
Claudia
Jennings as Deneer
Richard
Lynch as Ankar Moor
William
Smithers as Dr. Karl
Will
Walker as Marcus Karl
David
McLean as Lord Zirpola
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