Tomb
Raider 1/10
What
the hell was this butt fest of a movie? Don't think I was sitting
here hoping this movie would blow my mind with a great story and
incredible action. But I did at least hope it would be fun and
cheesy. Wasn't fun. Wasn't cheesy. It just existed. That is a good way
to describe this. It just existed. Things happened on screen, people
were hit (mostly Lara Croft), explosions happened, and it threatened
the world with a sequel that I assure you will never happen. I am
sure I said the same thing about the Tomb Raider film from back in
the day but that was when Angelina Jolie had that boom boom pow. I
won't even compare that and this movie because they were both ass.
Just not fun shit that costs way more than they should've. I would
have taken that 90 million bucks and invested in three seasons of the
most epic Zelda series ever seen. So yeah. You may notice I'm not
actually talking about the movie. That's cause it blew creepy clowns.
Not all that much to say.
Lara's
father leaves to find some shit. She has a ton of money but refuses
to use it and spends her time as a bike courier and getting her ass
kicked at the gym. She legit gets choked like three times. That is
the least of her problems. This entire movie is her getting fucked up
and then being fine moments later. Her dad leaves a message saying to
destroy his research. She doesn't and continues it and ends up caught
by mercenaries that can only hit you if you stand still or are
already dying. She solves a puzzle after finding her dad, turns out
the mystery is a corpse that can turn you ashy dead, and she escapes.
Not quite sure who this was made for or why they did it but they did
and I watched it like a jackass. Well played.
Alicia
Vikander as Lara Croft
Dominic
West as Lord Richard Croft
Walton
Goggins as Mathias Vogel
Daniel
Wu as Lu Ren
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