Monday, September 1, 2025

The Review: Greenland


Greeenland 1/10


Gonna be a long one. This movie was dumb. My lady has been watching a lot of Naked & Afraid and apocalyptic movies so we watched this past weekend. This movie made me add the mother to a list of some of the worst mamas in film. Let me explain this because I am having a hard time staying on track with all the nonsense that was in this. This engineer named John pops over to his future ex wife, Allison's, house. She is working out and he startles her. We quickly learn that they have a son named Nathan that OF COURSE has fucking health issues. This has been a thing in movies for a while (to have a sick child) but now its done so that when people who have nothing to do with your personal issues gets killed its fine because its in the name of a sick child. He diabetic.



So John has to go get stuff for a get together for the neighborhood and Allison gives him a whole list of shit she could have gotten. She not doing nothing! So John and Nathan head out. Oh, I should mention there is a comet named Clarke that is heading towards the planet. They don't expect much damage and Nathan is super excited about it. John gets a private message from the Department of Homeland Security that says he and his wife and son are to meet at an airport for emergency transport. The government knows that shit is about to get squirrely and are trying to keep it quiet. His wife also gets the alert on her TV but she of course is not paying attention and misses it. John heads home with his wife trying to give her a heads up that they need to leave. The message appears again and now all the neighbors see it. They wonder why they didn't get the message. Everyone starts panicking and one neighbor is like “Take my daughter with you!” and Allison is like “Yeah, we should” and John is like “That is not how this works!” and they leave. You not about to get me and my family denied for your raggedy kid. Byyyyye!



The road near the base is all clogged with traffic. This movie has a traffic issue. Its only near where they need to be. Otherwise the roads are clearer than any other time in history. They reach the airport and forget Nathan's medicine. Of course. They show their QR code and get bracelets to head inside. John realizes that they forgot the meds and heads back out through thousands of people and grabs it. Meanwhile Allison lets the military know that Nathan has diabetes and they are like “Oh. Really?” They let her know that no one with health issues should have even been allowed to get a bracelet and are disqualified from going to their secret location. Now Allison leaves the base just as John heads back inside not knowing she is gone. He hops on a plane shouting for them and this guy sees the insulin and asks how he got it onboard and mentions how someone he knows was disqualified from coming because she is diabetic.



Plane is about to leave so John hops off. The gates get breached and people are trying to hop on planes and fighting with the military. Gasoline gets shot and multiple planes and hundreds of people die because John wanted to get off. This family is the villains of the movie. John gets back outside and Allison leaves a note saying they are heading to her fathers place. Allison hitches a ride with a couple I immediately knew were creeps. Allison tries to keep shit vague but not vague enough and then Nathan's dumbass straight up lets them know they have bracelets and shit. The creepy husband says he will take care of Nathan and yanks Allison out the car and drives off with Nathan. Good riddance. John finds a ride and not even trying to hide his bracelet gets into a fight and everyone in the back of the truck heading to Canada and a plane get flipped out. John kills a guy with a hammer.



The creepy couple try to get inside and almost do until Nathan says they are not his parents. He is taken to a tent and Allison finds him and they get a ride with some nice Latino's. By the way, I pointed out to my lady how in movies now they do a thing where Blacks and Latino's are super helpful and white folk are the enemy. Earlier a Black dude raiding a drug store lets Allison and Nathan leave when they searched for meds. John steals a car and makes it to his father-in-law's house. Allison and Nathan make it there as well. We find out that John had cheated in Allison which is why they are divorcing and Allison's dad is cold to him. John says they will head to Greenland to a secret bunker but father-in-law decides to stay.



So they driving and are battling hot rocks falling from the sky and traffic and all manner of bullshit. They make it to an airport and stop the plane from taking off. The shit is crammed with people but as we know this man has no issue with putting other lives in danger for his raggedy ass family. They let him on and the plane takes off. They hit a storm from explosions for the meteor and the pilots die but everyone is somehow okay. The military find them and they make it inside and yay for them. Nine months later they crack open the door and birds are flying and other countries start announcing that they are alive but the planet is beyond fucked.



This movie was butt naked ass. The effects stank. The actions of the characters were supposed to be heroic but so many people got killed due to so many stupid actions. I'm glad I don't have a kid because y'all would be shitting on me for the amount of shit I was talking while watching this. Plus, I don't wanna live in a post meteor world! Life is cool but it ain't that cool and I don't have the “I need to leave a legacy behind” gene. My family big enough already. Hell, my Ancestry page has over 20,000 people connected to me I will never meet. There is enough of my bloodline floating all around the world. Only certain people were called on phones so you gonna be in a world where no one trusts a government (even more so than now). This was like a bad version of Paradise.


Gerard Butler as John Garrity

Morena Baccarin as Allison Garrity

Roger Dale Floyd as Nathan Garrity


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