Tale
Of Tales 9/10
The
first film Koko and I saw for the AFI festival was Tale Of Tales. I
knew nothing of this movie going in and intentionally wanted it that
way. When I see independent or strange ass foreign films the less I
know the better. This film was based on some old fairy tales where it
involves three separate kingdoms and their rulers actions and wants
leading to terrible things occurring. The stories kind of go back and
forth between each other. There will be spoilers.
The
first starred Selma Hayek and John C. Reilly as a king and queen that
want children but can not have them. The queen has tried many things
but none seem to work. One day this creepy ass guy shows up and tells
her that she needs the heart of a sea creature that is cooked by a
virgin for her to instantly become pregnant. She is all in. The king
goes to slay this creature and is mortally wounded. She finds a
virgin that cooks this massive heart and while doing so the virgin as
well as the queen become pregnant.
Each
of their sons grow up to look alike. They are best friends but the
queen hates that her son likes to be around his friend and not her.
She tries to tell him that he has to listen to her because she is his
mom, his queen, and that he is royalty and can not be around
peasants. All kinds of crazy shit happen including a giant bat
monster and magical trees. This was very cool.
The
second story is about a king played by Toby Jones and his daughter
Violet played by Bebe Cave. One day while Violet is performing a flea
crawls on the kings hand. He tries to swat it away and quickly learns
it is smarter than the average flea. He leaves as everyone applauds
her and retires to his room where he trains the flea and helps it
grow to terrifying size with blood from himself and food. Meanwhile
his daughter wishes to get hitched but he is too preoccupied with his
damned flea.
One
day the flea dies and he has it skinned. No one but a doctor knows
this thing even existed. He tells his daughter that he will marry her
off to whoever can guess the skin of this creature. After many men
fail this brute shows up and sniffs it and says “Flea.” The
daughter runs off and threatens to jump from the roof before letting
her father know how she feels about him and leaving with this ogre. I
don't want to say any more about this segment because it was my
favorite and could've easily been its own movie.
The
third segment was about this horny ass king played by Vincent Cassel.
After having all of the sex he hears this beautiful voice and follows
it to its home. Inside are two old ass women named Imma and Dora
played by Shirley Henderson and Hayley Carmichael that happen to
think like children and sing beautifully but look scary as hell. The
king demands to see the woman. After sending gifts and such one of
them promises to show just a finger to him within a week. The week
comes and Dora who has been trying to make her filthy finger look
beautiful fails and makes it worse. Imma's looks nice so hers is
used. She had been sucking on it all week. Ew.
Dora
promises to meet with the king in his bed but no lights are to be on.
Imma helps slather on sticky stuff to hide Dora's extra skin and
such. Its gross. She has sex all night with the king and he wakes up
screaming after seeing her true face and tosses her from a window.
Dora survives and is made young by a breast feeding witch. I shit you
not. That happened. Dora turns young and beautiful which makes Imma
do something very drastic later on in the film. The theater cringed.
This
was one of my favorite movies this year and I hope a lot of people
get the chance to check it out. I told a friend that it was like an
adult Neverending Story, Pan Labyrinth, or Legend.
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