Friday, March 31, 2017

The Review: No Retreat No Surrender

No Retreat No Surrender 6/10

If you had asked me a few days ago what the movie No Retreat No Surrender was about I'd say that some kid got karate lessons from Bruce Lee's ghost and ended up beating up Jean-Claude Van Damme. And I would have been kind of right. There is so much more to this movie. I remembered it being an awesome fighting movie with cool moves and shit. I was so wrong. Some movies just do not age well. This is one. This guy named Jason has a father that teaches karate. Kung fu. Martial arts. Whatever the fuck it is its not effective in real life. Some mobsters and JCVD as Ivan the Russian show up wanting the school because apparently that is their new racket. His father says no and proceeds to get his ass kicked and his leg snapped.

Jason tries to intervene and gets his arms twisted in knots before his father is like “Fuck this shit!” and they move. No fighting back. No calling the cops. They fucking move to another state. Its supposed to be Seattle but its still Sherman Oaks. I'm not stupid. So they get to their new house and this kid named R.J shows up and they become friends because he is Black and knows how to dance and Jason knows some form of half assed karate. Jason ends up going to Bruce Lee's grave and begging for help. His dad is like “Fighting sucks. Don't fight.” Jason hates that and goes to a new karate school where he gets his ass kicked. His dad later gets his ass kicked at a bar he is working at and Jason shows up and saves him and his dad is like “Fighting good. I was wrong. Keep fighting, son.” The fuck? Jason then begins training more. And there is nothing gay about it.

Jason and R.J are staying at an abandoned house they they have lit with candles and there is nothing gay about that either. One day Jason gets a visit by the ghost of Bruce Lee who proceeds to humiliate and kick his ass. I mean, he pretty much proves that Jason's father taught him nothing. Meanwhile the mobsters and JCVD are threatening more schools into fighting even the one owned by the brother of a chick Jason is dating. They are supposed to be friends but they make out and everything. I need a friend like that.

One day at a tournament JCVD ends up beating the shit out of every challenger. The ref tries to stop him but stopping JCVD when he is in fight mode is like trying to get me to wear a condom during sex. Difficult. Jason doesn't jump in until JCVD is about to beat his girls ass. He ends up using the methods ghost of Bruce Lee that looks nothing like Bruce Lee taught him. Seriously. The guy looked nothing like Lee. They were both Asian males. That's it. This movie was pretty bad but funny as hell and worth watching especially with RiffTrax playing.

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