Dark
Phoenix 1/10
Full
of spoilers and complaints. There have been twelve X Men films.
Twelve. Let that sink in for a second. And out of those twelve they
have not made a good one. Good scenes? Yeah. Cool shots? Sure. But an
actual “Holy shit I can't wait to see that again!” movie? Hell
no. This movie was butt. I have tried to figure out the timeline for
these movies and it is fucking impossible. Even when it was rebooted
they managed to fuck it all up by mixing in aspects of the previous
films as if they were so good they couldn't pass it up. I blame this
on Wolverine. No matter what they wanted to make sure he was still
attached to these in some way and ended up boning themselves right in
the b-hole. This movie is a fucking mess from actual start to literal
finish and I am so glad that they are done with it. It just sucks
that they somehow managed to make the worse X Men film as their last.
Where do I even start? That's probably what the writer of this mess
said. Oh god. This is the directors first legit time directing. He
also wrote a lot of terrible shit. Simon Kinberg. Look him up. I did
not want this movie to be as terrible as it was. I would have loved
to have been surprised. But it was actually worse than I imagined.
This
starts off in 1975 and immediately I sighed. Like a heavy sigh. Jean
Grey is riding in the car with her parents changing the station with
her mind. Next thing you know she drops the beat and the car swerves
into oncoming traffic allegedly killing both her parents. Its really
just her mom but we'll get to that later whether you want to or not.
Charles comes and gets her from the hospital and is like “You
special come to my school” and she does. Fast forward to 1992
because why the fuck not? The President calls Xavier to help a space
shuttle that is in trouble. How?! Why?! Mystique does not think they
should go but Charles is like “Its fine!” They get up there in a
ship that should not be up there and save the astronauts. They forget
one so Charles forces them to save him and Jean ends up attacked by
space flames which she absorbs. They get back to Earth and she is
fine and says she feels amazing.
Soon
after the kids are partying and drinking and Jean ends up blowing
everyone away because space flames. No one is killed somehow. Charles
reveals that he blocked off parts of Jean's mind when she was little.
Jean wakes up, puts Cyclops to sleep, and heads to her childhood
home. She finds her dad and he is like “Uh...shit.” She realizes
after reading his mind that he gave her away and did not want her
after his wife died. The team show up as well as cops. They get their
asses kicked by Jean who accidentally kills Mystique. She is later in
an alley washing Mystique's blood off which is really fucking weird
because it was not on her shirt when she killed mystique and flew
away. It was not there! This may seem petty as fuck but it is a huge
part of her flying to meet Magneto. Yeah. Magneto is not in prison
for all the crazy shit he has done. Matter of fact the government
have given him the Native American treatment and given him free land.
He asks who's blood is on her and she wont tell.
The
army shows up and Jean scares them away and leaves. Beast shows up
and is like “Oh, you didn't know? That was Mystique's blood, dude.”
Magneto in what is supposed to be a dramatic scene gets his helmet
and heads to kill Jean with Beast and a bunch of random ass mutants.
Who the fuck are these people?! There are thousands of mutant
characters to use in these movies. Use three I know! There is one
that is cute as hell. Had super short hair and tattoos. Ooh. She is
the one on the right.
Oh. I
totally forgot to even mention the aliens. There are aliens that show
up and shape shift. They are wack as fuck so I won't mention them
much anymore. Okay fine. This alien woman that kills someone and
takes her body tells Jean that she is powerful. She really wants the
energy that Jean has. She is like “You so powerful and people wanna
kill what is powerful” and Jean is like “Yeah, you're right!”
That's all it takes. The rest of the movie is a bunch of lame fights
and people straining and actors putting in half the effort. You can
feel it in some of the scenes. The special effects aren't anything to
write your brother from prison about. This just felt like some
slapped together nonsense. I am mad that the past is talked about and
relationships but none of it is shown. Even after twelve fucking
films and the last few with this current cast they managed to make
these people not feel like a group. Their powers were also used in
dumb ass ways. Storm got it the worse. They used to to make ice for
their drinks at one point. This woman that was worshiped as a goddess
in the cradle of motherfucking civilization is making drinks cold for
kids. Fuck this goofy ass movie for being made.
James
McAvoy as Charles Xavier/Professor X
Michael
Fassbender as Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto
Jennifer
Lawrence as Raven Darkhölme/Mystique
Nicholas
Hoult as Hank McCoy/Beast
Sophie
Turner as Jean Grey/Phoenix
Tye
Sheridan as Scott Summers/Cyclops
Alexandra
Shipp as Ororo Munroe/Storm
Kodi
Smit-McPhee as Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler
Evan
Peters as Peter Maximoff/Quicksilver
Jessica
Chastain as Vuk
Click here to read me bitch about the franchise two years ago.
Click here to see me recast the entire franchise.
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