The Review: Greenland 2 Migration

Greenland 2 Migration 0/10

Last year L was going through an apocalyptic phase and we watched some movies and TV shows. We watched the first Greenland movie (click here for that nonsense) and months later she found out that they had the nerve to make a sequel. The movie came and went (no one saw it in theaters) and then it popped up on streaming to ruin my day. This movie takes place five years after the last one (even though the son was 7 and is now 15). At the end of the first one they open the bunker doors and you hear birds and shit and its like “Ah, the storm has passed.” And by storm I mean a big ass comet that wiped out 75% of civilization. It would be so much easier to get to work...

So John who is an engineer and helps with the plumbing is out in radioactive land looking for...stuff. Not sure what. He sees three rescue subs washed ashore and searches them for stuff. He also gets to a giant ship and finds a wrench and a pressed flower which makes him happy. The bunker ain't got no wrench? Like a box of them? Anyhoot, this dude on the radio tells him a storm is coming soon and by soon he means right this instant. This storm and the planet are the killers in this movie but John and his family are the true monsters. In the first movie anyone that helped them died. That trend continues in this. So John is running from a lightning storm that Thor himself wishes he could create and makes it to the bunker just as the door closes.

John's wife Allison who as far as I recall was a stay at home mother who barely took care of her child is a leader in the bunker. I have no idea what her skills are except getting herself and others in danger by saying “we can bring more people!” They say there is another group of survivors and she is like “Sure we have room!” This other guy reminds her that they are running out of food and supplies. She says that is fine. They ask will they sleep in her bed? She says yes. She is sickening. Their son Nathan who needed insulin like air is going to school and this is the last time insulin will ever be brought up because he somehow never needs it (though they mention bringing it soon). So this group of survivors arrive just as the bunker starts getting ripped to shreds by a quake. Everyone panics. No one is prepared even though they know shit is squirrely and they should be ready to leave at any moment.

They all rush to the beach and people are killing one another to get on the subs. John screams there is another nearby and they find it and the shit starts up immediately. A sub that was crashed and not used for god knows how long just starts. They travel towards France cause they say that where the meteor hit the land is amazing. How do they know this? They just kinda figure. The boat dies but they manage to land in Liverpool. No one starves. No one goes crazy. It seemed pretty damned easy honestly. They find people and they are all starving and fucked up looking. Oh, yeah. Radiation is everywhere and John keeps coughing crazy style. He is obviously dying but his wife just goes “Ya okay? Cool!” So they get to this place where military are safe guarding and Allison is like “I got a badge!” and gets inside. One of the men that was on the sub with them says he can't find his and starts screaming like an idiot. Military shoots his ass dead. John and his family beg a man that is driving to save them. You know he gonna die.

This dude is riding with the family and they stop for a break. Meteors fly like 100 feet overhead blowing wind everywhere. The family is strong enough to hold on. The dude helping them races to his van saying its all he has. Meteor hits him and flips his van. He dead. Van damaged but the family's luggage is fine. They grab it and walk. This lady that was with them gets shot in the head and dies (thankfully cause her acting was ass). Instead of driving they get out and into a gun fight. Wait. I am leaving shit out or mixing things up. They meet up with this old lady that Allison knew who is hunkered down in a old folks home and drinking wine and super protected. Family like “Nah, France.” John finally lets Allison know that he is dying.

Yeah so they on the road and they come to this rope bridge. Who made it? Don't matter. They need to cross. They do and then there is a damned ladder. Just as they cross it the thing falls. More dead people on account of this family. Wish I kept count. They meet a French dude who brings them to his house. His wife is radiated out of her mind. She has a daughter and the son Nathan is like Tu veux faire l'amour? The French dude tells John who to ask for at a military base who will take them to the meteor crater. He also asks John to take his daughter with them. The fuck?! So they march with her and get found by the military during a picnic.

They are taken through a warzone!!! They are raced through bombs and bullets to get to a bus going to the crater. More people dead cause of them. They make it to the bus and start driving until they are attacked. John fights a guy and gets shot. Now he shot with radiation poisoning. But he still able to move. Allison drives the van full of people to this spot where they can no longer head up the crater. The people that were in the van seem to disappear. As they make it to the top and John dies. They leave his body just as we get a look at this magical land the credits start. L was pissed!

I have no idea how they are gonna live off this land at all. Its just waterfalls and green shit. Am I supposed to be happy? The military guards getting to this area because you know its gonna get raided at some point. How are all these vehicles running? Where people getting fuel from? I am sure they will try to make a third movie in this series with more fighting and meteors crashing into the planet. They said that Earth now has a dust ring around it and sometimes they just come flying at the surface. But mostly where this family is. I had a theory that this was some kind of hell and the family was in it or they were a curse upon mankind for something. Seriously, the storm was fucking chasing these people around the globe! Everywhere they went thunderstorms and quakes. Terrible movie. Bad writing. Bad acting. Bad special effects.

Gerard Butler as John Garrity

Morena Baccarin as Allison Garrity

Roman Griffin Davis as Nathan Garrity

Amber Rose Revah as Dr. Casey Amina

William Abadie as Denis Laurent

Nelia Da Costa as Camille

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