Sunday, January 26, 2014

Theater Whore: Ride Along & The Legend Of Hercules


Ride Along 5/10

I have wanted to see Ride Along ever since I first saw the trailer for it. It stars Kevin Hart who I think is funny as hell (except for Let Me Explain where I laughed once) and I've been a fan of Ice Cube since I was a child. The two of them together seemed like it would be a great mix and for a bit it is. But this movie takes a turn and never gets back to what made the movie funny at times, which was the interaction between Hart and Cube.


Hart plays Ben Barber who is a security guard at a high school who wants to join the police academy. He spends his free time playing video games online which give him a ton of knowledge about guns though he's never held a real one. He wants to marry his fiancee Angela Payton played by Tika Sumpter who is just too damned cute. The biggest hurdle is James Payton played by Cube who is her older brother.


Payton is chasing after a guy that no one has ever seen named Omar for years and is getting closer to taking his empire down. The premise of Omar's plan is something out of a video game. Ben gets accepted to the police academy and asks Payton for his sisters hand in marriage. Payton says no and then tells Ben to prove himself during a ride along where he sets up crazy situations for Ben to handle. It turns out that they are made up for the most part by Payton's friends and Ben finds out. The story then takes a darker tone which fits Ice Cube fine but the parts where its supposed to be funny just make Hart seem stupid and dangerous.

Tika for no reason!

This movie could've been super funny. It has done well enough to have a sequel that's already being started. Maybe it'll be better than this one. If they had gone the route of just having nothing but crazy COPS style ride along's it would've been funnier because those were the best part. The big take down the kingpin aspect totally ruined the pace of this movie.


The Legend Of Hercules 4/10

Kellan Lutz is the star of The Legend Of Hercules and it felt like he got the Sam Worthington/Taylor Kitsch treatment where they take a good looking guy and toss him into the deep end far too fast. He has a great look but this movie was not a good showcase for his abilities as an action star or actor.


This is about Hercules mom hating her ruthless husband and praying for some goddamned peace. Hera or whoever (I can't for shit find out who played her in the movie) shows up and gives her permission to let Zeus fuck her. And fuck her he does! If you've never seen Greek god sex than you ain't seen sex! She floats, there's electricity, screaming. Its intense. Her husband is like “Who you fucking?!” and has his soldiers search for the guy. Later she has Hercules who goes by another name.


Hercules brother is a dick, he likes a chick that is set to marry his brother, his father sends him to war, he gets captured, he kicks ass, his mother gets killed by her husband, his brother is gonna marry the chick he likes, he comes home, he kicks more ass. This movie could've been cool in a bad way but it isn't. Its a bag of nonsense with special effects that float between awesome and fucking horrible. The use of slow motion during every single fight scene was ridiculous. Just watch this when it comes out on cable like most movie goers did.

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