Sunday, April 6, 2014

Wrestlemania 30 Review

For the first post on this new blog I may as well start with the biggest wrestling event of the year, Wrestlemania 30! Now, I have watched wrestling since I was 3 years old which means I have 32 years of watching grownups getting hurt pretending to hurt one another. WM30 took place in New Orleans and featured a bunch of not that exciting matches. I will not waste my time covering the tag match at the start so don't get your hopes up on that one.

Daniel Bryan Vs. Triple H

Time: 25:56

This match was probably the best one on the card. After being screwed over for so long at every pay per view Bryan was finally gonna get a chance to qualify for the main event at WM. I was expecting Triple H to once again screw Bryan out of a shot leading to probably one of the shittiest WM's in years. Thankfully after many false finishes Bryan was able to knock him out with his flying knee. It was like I said the best match on the card but that wasn't hard when the show wasn't anything close to as magical as it should be.

Best Moment: The end.

The Shield Vs. The New Age Outlaws & Kane

Time: 2:57

That is not a typo. This match looked like a replay of an actual full match. Dean Ambrose fought like a child smacking backs as people rolled out of the ring, Seth Rollins was alright, and Roman Reigns was spamming Superman Punches before winning with a double triple powerbomb for the win. Why wasn't this match longer?

Best Moment: double triple powerbomb.

Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Time: 12:47

This was as expected a complete clusterfuck. You put 30 people in the ring starting at the same time and just prepare for lunacy. These kinda matches don't really get good until there are less than six people left in the ring. Kofi Kingston of course did a crazy stunt to keep from being eliminated but it did look like he was eliminated. Antonio Cesaro ended up winning after picking up The Big Show like he weighed as much as me and dumped him over the top rope for the win. He looked great in this!

Best Moment: Cesaro lifting Show as if he were a toddler.

John Cena Vs. Bray Wyatt

Time: 23:00

As I watched this match I just wished that Wyatt was fighting someone who had acting range. Cena's conflicted with his emotions face is the same as my too much apple juice and I'm peeing out of my ass face. Wyatt was tremendous at the mind game aspect but he didn't have much to work with.

Best Moment: The creepy ass spider walk from Bray to stop the 5 Knuckle Shuffle.

Brock Lesnar Vs. The Undertaker

Time: 25:25

This match caught me by surprise. Not because of the actual wrestling that took place but because The Streak is done! For anyone that watches wrestling having it end is something that pretty much everyone thought should never end. If you don't know what I am talking about I am surprised you ended up on this site. Hello, by the way. The name's Dante. You look great. These two beat the fuck out of each other but this didn't have the feel of a WM match. Their Hell In A Cell match from No Mercy in 2002 (fuck, its been that long?!) was far more intense and The Streak was not at stake. Brock Lesnar won after three F5's and after surviving a chokeslam, The Last Ride, two Hell's Gate's, and a Tombstone Piledriver. The crowd was shocked. I cheered.

Best Moment: The crowd's reaction to witnessing The Streak end.

Divas Championship Invitational

Time: 6:48

Two battle royals in one show? Come on. This match was not interesting. Too me it was a bunch of skinny chicks flailing wildly that all look alike except one of 'em is Black, another is Samoan, and one Asian. What made the whole them looking alike shit worse was that two are twins! AJ Lee won and kept her belt after she made the Black chick tap out. Literally. She took her hand and made it tap.

Best Moment: Wishing I could take a butt check to the face from Naomi.

Daniel Bryan Vs. Randy Orton Vs. Batista

Time: 23:23

Bryan was all banged to shit but thankfully pulled out the victory. It made me smile but if it had happened when I still gave a fuck I would've cheered. As I was watching this match I laughed because Batista has somehow managed to get worse at wrestling. It didn't help me fear his power since his outfit looked like he was sponsored by Now & Later's. Orton was close to a non-issue emotionally to me. Bryan made this match awesome. Triple H and his wife Stephanie McMahon tried to interfere. There was even another referee brought in just to fuck with me. Bryan won, everyone in the crowd was happy, and now hopefully everyone will shut up about CM Punk.

Best Moment: Stephanie hurting her ankle taking that dive from Bryan.

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