The Review: Paradise Season 2

Paradise Season 2 (2/10)

Okay. This is gonna have all the spoilers. The first season of this was incredible. I was telling everyone to watch this because it was such an amazing series and L and I got hype when we saw a prop during a studio tour knowing a second season was coming. Well, they could have kept it because this was booty. I have concerns, complaints, and conundrums. I have all the C's! How could a show go from being one of the best pure seasons of television to whatever the fuck it became. The more I sit on this the worst it gets (ha!) so let me just get this out of my system before I piss myself off more. I am gonna do this episode by episode otherwise it will make even less sense than it did.

When we left off last season Xavier was flying out of a hanger into the world to find his wife who he now knew was alive along with other survivors. So naturally we start off with this lady named Annie who is studying to be a doctor before shit went crazy with the planet. We get her story of taking care of her mother, her nervous habits, and quitting her career to work as a tour guide at Graceland. I was already annoyed because I am not a fan of this actress at all. She is the lady version of Jai Courtney or Sam Worthington or Taylor Kitsch to me. Just a blank slate. 

So shit gets wild and she stays at Graceland living off supplies with a security guard lady. The lady dies from an infection because she was being stupid when things went bad. Group of guys show up and she thinks they are bad. They want car parts and to head to a bunker they heard is in Colorado. The group leaves after she hooks up with their leader named Link. Time passes and she is pregnant. She hears a plane crash so she grabs a gun, hops on a horse, and finds Xavier having survived somehow.

Flashback episode featuring Xavier hurting his knee during secret service training and meeting his future wife Teri who is getting a spinal surgery that makes her lose her vision. Xavier falls for her the moment they meet but she has no interest. This episode proves that even if Xavier had said “Don't go to Atlanta the world is about to get real crazy!” she wouldn't have listened. In present day Xavier has fucked his knee up again and saved by some feral kids who eat all his snacks and dig through his bag. Some dude attacks him and Xavier kills the guy to save the kids. 

The next day the kids leave and took all his shit except for a photo of his kids. The rest of the series would have been me hunting them little shits down. Xavier collapses again and is found by Annie. He wakes handcuffed at gunpoint where she tells him that he is gonna take her to Colorado, fuck finding your wife in Atlanta. At this point, two episodes in, I am getting worried about the direction of the show. Oh, I had no idea...

More flashbacks! Sinatra is watching talks about the upcoming disasters with the planet. She starts working on plans and gets Billy to force this dude named Henry Miller to sell his company to her. Billy befriends Miller before revealing the truth at a bar. Miller won't budge so Billy shows up at his house. Miller is like “This is my wife Alex. I kill her now. You kill me now but don't kill this kid I am working with.” Billy kills Miller and fucking Link shows up. He the smart kid. Xavier has visions of Link and nosebleeds. Fucking nosebleeds. 

Back in Paradise which we are now three episodes in getting to the new president who is a jackass and wants to do shit that will effect the Paradise program just to boost morale in the city. People who wanna leave or talk shit are taken to a secret prison. The former presidents son is arrested as Xavier's daughter watches and proves to be a burden. While new president is jogging Jane kills him and pins it on Robinson (aka Bootleg Viola to someone I know...). Presidents son finds the guy who built Paradise down there and says he wants his help opening the doors of the city. And then what, idiot?

A baby is born in Paradise! This a flashback. Sinatra watches the baby for a while and tells him that one day he will live outside. Annie is helping Xavier recover and is like “Fine. I will allow you to find your wife before we head to Colorado with my pregnant ass.” Nope. Annie goes into labor early and Xavier finds this group he saw earlier and asks for their help. Annie don't trust folks but has no choice. She has a baby and dies. She leaves Xavier a note for her daughter and Xavier recognizes Link's student ID that Annie kept from his visions. Now Xavier got a damn baby to deal with. 

He heads to Atlanta but we don't get to see that adventure. He ends up at a post office where the last message from Teri came from. He meets a guy named Gary who was a postal worker and threatens him with the gun asking where Teri is. Gary professes his devotion (love!) to Teri and says she was taken by some people recently. Already halfway through the season and I just wanted him to find Teri but keep ending up on these random side quests!

Another goddamn flashback!!! So we see that Gary is a lonely loser who works for the post office. He sees stuff along his route like a boy that is neglected as fuck. He meets a guy called Ennis online and they start gaming and talking about doomsday prepping. Gary sees that his job has an old bunker and everything. The world starts going squirrely and Gary saves the young boy called Bean as his parents are high out of their minds which is probably the best way to go out considering. Teri is making her call to Xavier and she gets with Gary and Ennis. They get to the bunker and there are others. Ennis mad he can't fuck anyone. Gary falls for Teri. Ennis thinks Teri is useless cause all she does is complain and be sore. Gary builds a machine so Teri can call for help and find Xavier. Ennis breaks it but says he didn't. 

Teri using her science knowledge starts making bio fuel so she can take Bean and drive to Colorado (cause every fucking person knows about Colorado!). A train shows up with folks heading to guess where? They capture Gary and Ennis and tell them their plans. Ennis says Teri gonna leave Gary so Gary kills Ennis. Present day Xavier says he is gonna find Teri cause Gary says the train has her. Gary left out the shooting Ennis part and says Ennis gave Teri and Bean to the group. Gary is a dirtbag. Cool.

Flashback flashback flashback!!! Its 1997 and the world is a better place. No internet really. Nobody got a cell phone. I still play cassette tapes. This dude working at like Circuit City starts getting all these instant messages saying a killer is gonna be born. Jane is born to a mother who doesn't give a damn and as she leaving the hospital he runs up like “Ya baby a killer!” Jane's mother neglects her and one day while she trying to fuck in a sauna Jane locks it and turns the heat up. She lets her mama out who then tosses her inside. Jane begins training years later for the CIA and even though her exam says she crazy this lady mentors her. The lady wants a higher position but says she is a woman and won't so Jane cuts the dudes dick off. 

Present day Sinatra wakes up from her coma. Jane meets with her and Sinatra pretends she can't remember Jane's crazy ass shooting her. Sinatra is interrogated. I forgot to mention earlier. That lady that Xavier was boning, Dr. Torabi, is like “Jane fucking nuts.” Sinatra is like “Bet. But she my kinda crazy.” Link and his crew show up to the entrance of Paradise with notes saying to let them in. There is back and forth about whether or not to open them. Meanwhile dead presidents son and Robinson make the world's easiest prison escape with the scientist and start smashing shit. Meanwhile Xavier has built a bomb and is gonna lob it at the train when Gary is like “Sorry, dude. But I gotta fuck ya wife” and sets it off early. Xavier is on the ground being surrounded by the train folk and there is Teri. Why is an unarmed Teri rushing to the scene?

Xavier and Teri are finally back together! Teri says that Gary has Bean and they have to go save him. Xavier is like “I'm gonna kill this bastard.” Teri like “No. I am protected by plot armor.” So Teri goes inside and manages to convince this asshole to let her and Bean leave. Now they got two white babies to take care of while their actual kids are in Paradise. I haven't mentioned them much cause it annoys me. Their daughter meets with Sinatra's daughter like “Ya mama evil. Help us.” Her daughter is like “Bet. I can hack into anything and get us into the prison to free your boyfriend.” And they do! Easily! 

Sinatra meets with Link and they talk but can't come to terms and nosebleeds happen and Sinatra is like “This kid Link is my dead son Dylan!” Same name and birthday. Cool. I am not getting into this now. Link/Dylan's plan is to get to this “Alex” and I guess fix the world. Xavier on the train getting nosebleeds. The dead presidents son, the scientist, and Robinson can't get things to blow up properly. Scientist dies. Robinson is hurt. President's son wants to save her after shit talking her the entire time. Power acting wonky. Xavier's daughter is trapped in elevator. Xavier's son is non-existent. I literally have nothing to say about him except that the hair care for Black people in Paradise is amazing. Dr. Torabi kills Jane after Jane tries to assassinate her. Sinatra takes a secret train and the episode ends with her saying hello to this Alex. What are you even doing?!

Flashback flashback flashback flashback!!!!! Link is in Miller's class and shows him something he made. Sinatra wants it but Miller is like “This shit is doing stuff it shouldn't be able to.” Present day Sinatra is at Alex which is a computer program that is 100 miles away and makes predictions including her death. Dr. Torabi who is now in charge for whatever reason forces the team to open Paradise's doors. Shit is getting worse so an evacuation of Paradise is ordered. These people came all away across the country and didn't get to even step foot in the city. Xavier and Sinatra save their daughters from the elevator. Xavier meets with Link/Dylan and their noses start bleeding and he like “Hey, I met Annie. You got her knocked up. I got ya baby.” 

Sinatra tells Link that she is her dead son and meets with Xavier and tells him that only he can get the people to Alex and save them. The special keycard has an X on it. Okay. It took me almost two seasons to stop called him “X-avier.” Everyone calls him “Zavier.” But suddenly his nickname is “X”? The fuck? Xavier is running through Paradise to leave as the city explodes and Sinatra is walking with her dead son in young form. Xavier makes it out even though no way he should've and all is right as the mountain crumbles and they expect me to watch the next season.

As my lady said it felt like we got tricked into watching a show about time travel and multiverses. I liked the first season so damn much trying to figure out who killed the president of this underground city and Xavier getting his wife back. I have questions that I don't even care to know anymore. Why did everyone and their mama know about the bunker? Is Sinatra's husband even real? What happened to Jane's body? What really is even Alex? How is Link/Dylan even in existence? Is Xavier gonna let Teri know he was fucking Dr. Torabi while she was growing tomatoes in the wasteland being stalked by a creepy mailman? Why are there two Arby's in Paradise and why after finding this out did I ask my lady to take me to one? Why was the Arby's not as bad as I thought it would be?

I really don't plan on watching season three of this show. I will watch reaction videos or read about it as it airs. This show pissed me right the fuck off. Grandma is the baby.

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