Operation Wolf was not out in 1984! Just had to get that out of the way. This is gonna be full of spoilers but not really since the trailer shows everything that is supposed to be cool or wow you. There is nothing good about this Wonder Woman 1984 movie. There was nothing that gave me goosebumps. There was nothing that made me laugh or feel anything. This movie was so not for me and I'm a huge fan of Wonder Woman as a character. I had the same problem with this movie when I first saw the trailer that I did with the first movie (click here for that review) in that since they both take place in the past I already know that no matter what happens she will be fine.
This starts off with Diana as a kid...again. They be getting bad children for these parts. Every kid in this is bad matter of fact. All of them. She competes in this event with grown ass Amazons and cheats to try and win but this lady is like “Not so fast, ya cheatin' ass cheat!” and Diana throws a shit fit because she thinks she won. Now in 1984 she is working as a senior anthropologist at the Smithsonian. One of her employees is this woman named Barbara who is clumsy and people talk shit about her even though she is pretty. Glasses and having trouble speaking does not make someone a freak, movies. She wants to be more like Diana meaning having zero personality. There is a robbery at a mall that feels like a scene out of Jingle All The Way and Wonder Woman shows up and takes out all the cameras and takes out the guys in a fight that looks like something out of a cartoon. She now has to help find some stolen old shit.
This businessman named Maxwell Lord who is in serious debt but carries himself as if he is loaded and successful. He ends up meeting with Barbara and she loans him this stone. He makes a wish and can grant any wish and gets more powerful as he grants more. Next thing you know this poor dude is taken over by Steve. I guess. He sees himself as the body he stole but Diana sees him as Steve. Diana shows Steve around and they have a great time meaning this is a whole lot of boring shit. This movie is full of boring shit and feels every minute of two and a half hours long. Barbara wants to be more powerful and starts kicking dudes asses.
By the way. I'm not stupid. Barbara is Halle Berry in the Catwoman film. She is exactly her! She starts dressing better and people like her suddenly and she struts her stuff and beats up folks. Maxwell Lord ends up getting more and more powerful and Diana has to stop being a fucking brat again and let Steve go since he is fucking dead. Maxwell Lord ends up getting control of the country and every signal and starts granting every wish he hears and the world falls apart until Wonder Woman talks him down. I won't even talk about the fight between Wonder Woman and Barbara who is now Cheetah because it was so fucking stupid. Wonder Woman got this cool ass looking armor that has this history to it and it gets torn apart by Cheetah in moments. She shocks Cheetah to death...but not. Because Cheetah ain't dead. Diana bumps into the dude that had Steve's body and she lets him walk away. Why does she like Steve so much anyway? I saw the first film. I don't get it. Steve gets baffled by clothes and isn't shook that he is back from the fucking dead. “Whoa! Parachute pants!” Yeah, dude. Pants are weird in the 80's.
There is an extra scene with Lynda Carter. Made me madder.
The rest of this is me complaining. So everyone on Earth renounces their wish and things go back to normal. What the actual fuck were they thinking with this movie? The villains were trash. Cheetah was bad. Maxwell Lord was bad. I didn't give a fuck about either of them and as villains they weren't interesting at all. Diana has no personality. She isn't funny. She can barely fight. Her main ability is to not get hurt and when they are lessened she just bleeds and looks hurt. Steve has personality but feels out of place in this movie. The fight scenes looked terrible and super floaty. Wonder Woman was flying like she fucking forgot she could! She fucking flew! She mad a jet invisible like “Oh, I learned a trick from my father and tried it on a cup so let me try it on this plane. Cool. It worked.” She rides lightning bolts for no reason. Her lasso can do anything she feels like it can do when she thinks of it. Not one joke was funny. Not one action scene made me go “Oh, at least that was awesome.”
How in the fuck has no one ever mentioned this movie? Like, in the movies? I remember ripping my pants and exposing my draws to a girl I liked in 1985. How in the literal shit would no one mention “Hey, remember that time we all got granted wishes and almost ended the world with nuclear weapons? That was crazy”? Even without cameras everywhere like now people would know Wonder Woman and what happened. Batman, Superman, Aquaman. They would all know who this woman was or at least what the fuck happened to the world in 1984! Batman don't get no wish?! Does Maxwell Lord pay for his crimes or does he now get to wander off with his son and live happily ever after?
If you are like “Damn, why is he so upset about this movie?” A little bit because I got HBO Max for the month and because it seems like you would have to try to make a movie about Wonder Woman bad or uninteresting. In the animated movies they have made her far more interesting whether she is with the Justice League or alone. She is interesting as fuck as a character. It sucks they won't just reboot all the DCEU movies. They just keep spraying aerosol while they're still shitting. Get a new actress. Please. Gal Gadot is pretty but she is not good in these movies. Get a new director. Make it a woman. I don't give a fuck. Get better writers. I looked up one of them and he makes shit and I am worried because he is writing a Marvel movie I wanna see. This movie was two and a half hours long and felt like four. I don't know how you can make a movie this long and have characters not feel fleshed out. They throw in some Wonder Woman stuff in terms of visuals but that can't make me like this. I could not suggest this movie to anyone. Like, comic fans. Casual fans. Fans of the Wonder Woman character. I'm not someone who actively hates DC films. I want them to be amazing and make me feel the way I do when I watch Marvel films. Just watch the trailer and imagine a better film.
Gal Gadot as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman
Chris Pine as Steve Trevor
Kristen Wiig as Barbara Minerva/Cheetah
Pedro Pascal as Maxwell Lord
Click here for previous The Review.
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