Monday, March 14, 2016

The Review: Bad Lieutenant (old review)

Wow. I have seen some stinkers in my time. But Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans has to take the biggest slice of the cake. This film stars Nicholas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer, Xzibit, Fairuza Balk and Jennifer Coolidge. Now, this is one of those deals where it’s a remake of an older film but not being called one since they veer so much off the mark of the original.

This story centers around Cage’s life as a cop with a back injury that leads to an addiction to pain killers. He sleeps with a hooker, Mendes, who rolls customers for their drugs. Apparently in New Orleans everyone you stick up has coke on them. Who knew?! Meanwhile there’s an investigation to a murdered family which brings us to Xzibit who is being represented by Colonel Sanders, I shit you not. Val Kilmer plays a dirty cop but he isn’t close to as dirty as Cage is. Fairuza plays a cop that used to work with Cage but is in the movie for perhaps two minutes. But, man. Those two minutes almost made up for how bad this movie is.
I’m so full of it. This was one of the worst films I have ever seen. The acting was atrocious. Only two fucking people in this entire film have a form of a southern accent. Xzibit did for a second but it quickly disappeared. Eva Mendes plays a hooker that never gets naked. Not once! Training Day? Full frontal nudity. But in this? Nothing. And there’s this kid in it that was actually in Training Day. Remember the kid in Macy Gray’s house? Yeah. Him. I get Cage playing a nut in most of his films. That’s his thing. But he is way over the top in this. Crackheads will watch this film and go, “Hey, come on. We’re not that damn bad.”

Ever read Johnny The Homicidal Maniac? That’s what this reminds me of. No matter what this guy does, he just doesn’t get caught. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. This guy does with the law what John Cena does with a finisher. No sell. He’s not selling a demotion. He doesn’t sell having guns aimed at him. He doesn’t sell being high. Here are a few quotes from ol’ Nic in this film.

“Do fish dream?”

“Shoot him again.” When asked why, he responds, “His soul is still dancing.”

Wow. And the anger don’t stop there. The guy who did the original film Bad Lieutenant had a few choice words for the makers of this not-remake. He said that all that are involved in the making of this film should “all die in hell.” I find it hard to disagree with him.

Some highlights from this film include multiple iguana shots with music. Nic Cage staring blankly. Maniacal laughter. Many bad decisions followed by even more bad decisions. Did I mention this was written by the guy that wrote Cop Rock? Some of you may not be old enough to remember the travesty that was Cop Rock and you should go to sleep praying to whatever God you believe in for that. The po-po sang, ya’ll!

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