Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Review: Battle Los Angeles (old review)

"I’d rather be in Afghanistan."

So would I after watching this film. Who are you people that like this film and keep it in the top ten? I love films full of explosions. I love films full of violence. Aliens? Yes, please! But this film, though having all of the above, lacks one thing I need no matter what the film is. No, not a story (seeing as how Hudson Hawk is one of my favorite films).

People I care about.

Battle Los Angeles was directed by Jonathan Liebesman whose biggest claim to fame was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. It has a very basic premise. Aliens show up, start blowing shit up, and the Marines fight back. That’s it. 
The films stars Aaron Eckhart as Sgt. Michael Nantz who is close to retiring. How many times have we seen this happen? Him and his soldiers get sent to watch meteors land that are striking all over the damn place. They find out that these are actually aliens. Junk aliens.

Seriously, the aliens look like crap. No, not in terms of effects but their actual look. Even their spaceships look like flying junkyards. And god they’re loud! They have fucking car backfires that propel them. This is why I laughed every time they managed to sneak up on someone or appear out of nowhere. It’d be like creeping through someone’s window while banging pots and pans together.

Lots of shooting happens and people dying who I know I should care about but I just don’t. They spend absolutely no time developing these characters so when they die I just didn’t give a damn. I just didn’t. One guys brother died under Eckhart’s command? Don’t care. Some kids dad gets shot and dies way later? Don’t care. They figure out how to kill the aliens? Don’t care.

The Marines end up beating them, I guess. This movie leaves space for a sequel that should never be made. Ne-Yo and Michelle Rodriguez who I fucking love are in this and being wasted. I wish I started giving ratings for films because this would get a 0 out of 10. Waste of time and talent wasted on a way too long ass version of a video game.

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