Friday, April 28, 2017

Everything You Need To Know About The Kardashian's

Everyone knows who the Kardashian's are. Even when you pretend to not know you know you know who they are. At least one of them. I like this family the same way I like watching Fail Blog videos online. No matter how much I think I know where its gonna end it ends up somewhere far worse and hilarious. I am going to try and give you all a lesson on who these people are and why they are famous because people tend to ask why. After reading this you will be able to have interesting conversations at gatherings that don't end in arguments. Seriously. As silly as this shit may be it is far more interesting than your political views and talking about your wack ass job. We don't know your coworkers! I'll start with the man that got this party started.

Robert Kardashian was born in Los Angeles in 1944 and died of cancer in 2003. His Armenian-American parents had the largest meat-packing business in Southern California and he inherited their money. He grew up in Baldwin Hills, went to Dorsey High, and got his bachelor's degree in business administration from USC. 

If his name sounds familiar its because he was one of the lawyers representing OJ Simpson during his murder trial. Even he wasn't 100% sure of OJ's innocence stating “I have doubts. The blood evidence is the biggest thorn in my side; that causes me the greatest problems. So I struggle with the blood evidence.” He married Kris Houghton in 1978 and they had three daughters and one son. I'll get to them later. They divorced in 1991. He remarried two more times before his death. He had many other successful businesses and ended up coming up with the idea to play music in between movies in theaters so I now know who to blame when I know a Mandy Moore song.

Kristen “Kris” Mary Houghton/Kardashian/Jenner was born in San Diego in 1955. She is of Dutch, English, Irish, German and Scottish aka American. Nothing special about being mixed. My great-great grandfather owned my great-great grandmother and he was White. Everybody wanna sound exotic. After divorcing Robert Kardashian, who she wasn't all that happy he supported OJ in the murder trial, in 1991 she remarried with Bruce Jenner that same year until divorce in 2015. 

Besides running her kids lives it only shows she worked as a flight attendant in the 1970's for a year. Besides her four kids with Robert she had two daughters with Bruce. She comes across more as a manager than a mother which she seems proud of creating the term “momager.” She tries to roll with her young daughters going so far as to start dating a guy younger than some of her kids. Its not cute. It is never cute when you see a parent, mother or father, trying to be the cool parent along with their kid at any age. 

Bruce Jenner. Yeah. Okay. How am I gonna do this? Bruce was born in Mount Kisco, New York in 1949. Bruce won multiple gold medals during the Olympics in the 70's and started the tradition of athletes grabbing their country's flag and running around like an asshole. He became a national hero for his wins and even ended up on the cover of a Wheaties box aka one of the grossest cereals ever invented. 

He went on to do a few terrible movies no one has heard of and appear on TV and game shows. Bruce was married to Chrystie Crownover from 1972 to 1981, Linda Thompson from 1981 to 1986, and Kris from 1991 to 2015 after five months of dating. Bruce has a total of six children from his three marriages not including any of the Kardashian kids. Some of them are known for stuff but I have no desire to look any of them up. 

Caitlyn Marie Jenner. Take all that information above and just add that now Bruce is now Caitlyn and is responsible for killing a woman with her car. Caitlyn says she crossed dressed for years and took hormone therapy but stopped after sticking with Kris. Caitlyn says that while she is now a woman she is not attracted to men. On Twitter after begging her transition she wrote “I'm so happy after such a long struggle to be living my true self. Welcome to the world Caitlyn. Can't wait for you to get to know her/me.” 

Many companies jumped at the chance to have Caitlyn on their covers and wearing their products. Caitlyn says the hardest part of being a woman so far is “figuring out what to wear.” Many were upset that she supported Donald Trump as if transitioning would change her political views. Caitlyn made an eight episode series following her transition because I don't know. People got over the whole transition pretty quickly and sensing that Caitlyn revealed recently that she finished her surgery. 

Kourtney Mary Kardashian is the oldest sibling being born in 1979 in Los Angeles. By far the least interesting of the group, she was with Scott Disick from 2006 to 2015. He always looks like someone just stepped on his foot. They have three kids and have never been married. Their relationship is always on and off. It is off as of the writing of this wile he is banging skinny chicks in thongs at beaches. 

She has done clothing, makeup, helped write a book, jewelry, and has done some acting. Seriously. Not interesting at all. If someone asks you about her just say something like “Its best that she never married Scott” or “Her children look so happy!” and you'll sound like you know sit about her. She hasn't had the surgeries that her sisters have because she is smart and knows how much of a slipper slope that is. She doesn't have the large ass and breasts jobs so good for her. Still. She boring. I swear, just looking at pictures of this guy annoys me.

Khloe Alexandra Kardashian was born is Los Angeles in 1982. She is by far the only Kardashian I would want to hang out with. There are rumors that she is OJ's daughter and I didn't think much of them until I saw a picture of OJ's real daughter. Then I just felt racist. Khloe has had her own talk show, just like her mom, and been on all the other reality shows with her sisters. 

She was married to NBA player Lamar Odom until he couldn't stop doing drugs and shit. They were married from 2009 to 2016 after one month of first meeting. In 2001 she was in a car accident that caused her long-term memory loss. Khloe seems like the most down to Earth of all of the sisters and even though she has the same traits (dating famous men, being rich, a voice that makes you wanna punch yourself) I'd still hang with her over any of the others. Whenever she is out with any Black guy it is assumed that they are dating to which she and the guy will say they are just friends and then a week later images of them making out or grinding are released. I don't grind with my friends. Maybe I got the wrong kinda friends. 

In 2007 she was arrested for drunk driving but released after three hours because of overcrowding. She was sued in 2009 for assaulting a transsexual woman outside of a club along with 10 others. She is mostly known, by me, for being the second sister to really be into dating famous Black dudes. At first that was Kim's jam but Khloe quickly picked that ball up and ran with it all the way into the parking lot. 

It took me a while to find the guys she has been with and most of them have been since her marriage ended. The crazy thing is that even after her marriage with Lamar ended and he almost died from drugs and drinking in a brothel she went to try and save his goofy ass. Pffft! Khloe is still my favorite Kardashian even though she went a bit too far with the butt surgery. There is a fine tipping point when it comes to changing how you look physically. One millimeter on your face in the wrong direction and the next thing you know you look like a cat person. Three years ago Khloe has the most banging body. But then she tempted fate with her ass. Speaking of ass...

Kimberly Noel Kardashian aka Kim Kardashian/Thomas/Humphries/West was born in Los Angeles in 1980. She is by far the most popular Kardashian. People ask “What is she known for?” The best answer is “Kim is famous for being famous.” You say that then just walk away. OJ is her godfather, so yeah. That's a thing. She eloped with a music producer back in 2000 named Damon Thomas. They divorced after four years. In 2011 she married NBA player Kris Humphries and that lasted 70-something days. He took her to court over that shit saying it was just for her show Keeping Up With The Kardashian's

In 2014 she married Kanye West. They have two kids together and they have zero chance of being normal or likable. Yeah, I said it. She became famous for a sex tape with her then boyfriend Ray J. I have watched it. Its not that good. Before that she was just known as that girl that was hanging with Paris Hilton. She was Paris' closet organizer. I shit you not. She also followed her at red carpet events but once that sex tape blew up Paris got mad. Kim got the dating famous Black dudes ball rolling before any of her sisters but she shockingly hooked up with Gabriel Aubry

I had no idea about that one. He is one of Halle Berry's ex's that got is ass kicked by her now ex husband and other baby daddy. This shit gets sticky. Later on I am gonna play some six degrees of separation type shit and show you how messy these people are. Kim has done makeup, clothing, TV, perfume, and music because she wants to assault all the senses. 

After a robbery last year Kim has said on Ellen that it has made her a different person. “I know this sounds crazy, but I know that was meant to happen to me. I don't want to start crying, but I feel like that was so meant to happen to me," Kardashian said. "I'm such a different person. I don't want to start crying anymore. It was meant to happen to me. I really feel like things happen in your life to teach you things. It was probably no secret -- and you see it on the show -- I was being flashy and I was definitely materialistic before.” You have my permission to laugh. Besides being famous for being famous Kim is also known for her ass which she says is not fake. Yeah. Not fake at all. You know, have a fake ass. I give no shits. But don't lie to me. She even got Dr. Drew to lie for her on national television. 

Robert Arthur Kardashian was born in Los Angeles in 1987. Rob is known for being small then getting big then getting smaller then big again in a very short amount of time. In 2015 he was diagnosed as diabetic. He is not really interesting. He tried to start his own sock company and said in 2012 he was going back to study law at USC which caused the school to say that he had never gone there. 

After three months of dating Blac Chyna they got engaged and a month later announced they were having their first child. What makes this messy is that Blac Chyna used to be best friends with Amber Rose who used to be with Kanye who is married to Kim and Blac Chyna already had a kid with Tyga who was dating the youngest Kardashian sister. My spell check hates every name I am typing. They split after one month of having their kid but got back together. This kid is gonna be ruined. They started a new reality show together but I am not sure if it actually really started. Rob started gaining weight again and the family didn't support Blac Chyna wanting to use the Kardashian last name. Rob already had drama with the rest of the family and didn't even come to Kim and Kanye's wedding. Her Snapchat account was hacked and it showed how she planned to get rich off of Rob.

Kendall Nicole Jenner was born in Los Angeles in 1995. She is the least drama causing Kardashian. Yeah, I know her last name is Jenner being the daughter of Bruce and Kris but whatever. She has been modeling since she was 14 and pretty much stays out of trouble except for that Pepsi ad she recently did. People did not like that. Her sister Kylie Jenner is 19 years old and a hot fucking mess. It took Kim a while to get to where she is but Kylie was like “Fuck that!” and jumped ahead of the line. 

She had thing for Tyga back when she was 14 and he waited until she was about 17 before they started publicly hanging out with him denying everything. Meanwhile he has a kid with Blac Chyna, she dating Tyga, Rob is her brother. All the drama! She helped take care of Tyga's son he had with Blac Chyna but eventually they broke up and Tyga has been seen with a girl that looks like a version of Kylie. Kylie finally admitted to her sisters that she had work done on her lips but she has not come out and talked about all of her other enhancements that have appeared over the last two years. This girl is only 19 and has had more work done than a recalled Prius. There was also a challenge based off of making your lips bigger using her name. 

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