Polar
3/10
Spoilers
ahead all over the place. This felt rushed. I decided to watch Polar
on Netflix because I hoped it would be interesting and also so
Netflix would stop shoving it in my face. While watching this I kept
on thinking about how it was edited and squinting at the screen. Then
as the movie progressed and I was watching how it flowed and such I
had to stop and check who directed this because either this was
someone's first movie or they were not used to this whole directing
thing and needed to work a few kinks out. A mostly music video
director. Got it. Now that that was out of my system I felt better
about how this just fell apart as it went on. This is about an
assassin that is about to retire and collect his assassin pension.
Turns out the folks he works for owe a lot of money so they have
their killers sign over their shit so when they die the company gets
paid. Convoluted. The start of this movie had me gasping with delight
watching this woman in a bikini set up Johnny Knoxville before he
gets shot a lot. By the way, the women in this movie are fucking
beautiful in so many ways. Whatever you are into they got and by you
I mean me. There is this Black chick that shows up later and I was
like “Uh, I need to know more about her story, please?”
So
this killer Duncan Vizla played by Mads Mikkelsen also known as The
Black Kaiser also known as the man that the chick you want to date
but never will because she is into guys that look like a serial
killer to you but are hot to them. Duncan keeps having nightmares
about a job gone bad. He lives in a very small town and his nearest
neighbor is this woman named Camille played by Vanessa Hudgens. I
kept thinking “Please do not let them hook up.” There are some
hook ups in films and such that gross me out. Thankfully they do not.
The Hunter of Black Men aka Liam Neeson and Viola Davis in Widows made me
cringe. So she is super shy and acts all weird but she is cute in
that “I need to sleep with one eye open the first week of dating”
kinda cute. Duncan ends up adopting a puppy off the street and it is
cute as hell...then he blows its brains out after waking from a
nightmare. This is not John Wick.
This
team of killers are sent to take out Duncan and head to different
places they think he lives and kills those people. They end up
killing a group of thugs, a very large bearded woman, and some sex
pervert. There are no cops in this movie. Gunfire is not a cause for
alarm. Duncan ends up caught by an old assassin friend played by
Richard Dreyfus and Duncan is then tortured for a few days before
escaping and coming back to save Camille who was captured by the bad
guy. The main villain is shit by the way. I don't know why anyone
works for him other than he has money. He is not scary or anything.
Just acts weird as hell. The team end up finally catching up to
Duncan and he takes them out one by one. I am telling shit all out of
order but it don't matter. Duncan ends up finally getting to the bad
guy and then cuts his head off. Very unsatisfying ways to end that
character after all the terrible shit he did. He kidnaps the girl,
tortures Duncan for three or four days straight, and hooks the girl
up to be fed drugs and has her beaten. Off screen head cut off and
flung out of window. If you wonder why he has an eye patch it is
because this asshole stuck a scalpel through it!
After
everything is done it turns out that Camille is the daughter of the
family that Duncan murdered but he did not murder her. He killed her
father, mother, brother, possibly a baby, but left her. She found out
he was sending her all this money and paying for stuff and now she
wants to kill him. Of course she doesn't and he is going to help her
find out who hired him to kill her parents. The fuck?! This could
have been good. I was worried from the start with the loud texting
sounds during the credits. There is this fine line movies can walk
between being cool and being cheeseballs. John Wick managed to be
cool despite pretty much being about a guy killing dozens of people
because they killed his dog. Smokin Aces spawned a metric shit ton
of movies trying to be cool and full of assassins that are different
wacky characters. Hell, Smokin Aces 2 was a bad copy of the first.
This movie is somewhere Colombiana and The Big Hit. Cool soundtrack
though. The actors and actresses in this were good with what they had
to work with meaning themselves. But the story was weak and it felt
like it was trying way too hard to be cool. I totally could have not
watched this and been fine.
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