DVDiculous: Colombiana

I don’t know about you but I love seeing half naked chicks kicking ass! Usually. Colombiana starring Zoe Saldana starts off on the right foot but quickly becomes the tale of someone who deserves revenge but goes about getting it in the most ridiculous way ever. Everyone knows that I’m all about getting my revenge on. I’m a bloodthirsty monster…in my head. But the title character Cataleya is so misguided its not even funny.

This movie uses every single excuse for her to be wearing close to nothing. The most she wears is her school girl outfit when she’s younger. Her dad is a bad guy. He decides to get out the drug game and his boss is having none of it. He rushes home and tries to escape with his family but he and his wife are gunned down.

"Shut up while I explain a lot of shit for you to remember before the killer arrive!"

The thing that bugs me about this is that in the trailer she specifically says “They murdered them right in front of me.” It happened downstairs. She heard it but didn’t see it. I know its splitting hairs but come on. There’s a big difference between seeing your parents murdered and hearing it. If Batman had heard his parents get killed instead of seeing it he would’ve like become a lawyer or something. Anyway, after a parkour chase she ends up at the U.N or some shit and vomits up a microchip her dad gave her. She is then taken to Miami.

This is Cliff Curtis' "You really don't know me?" face.

She meets her uncle played by Cliff Curtis. If you don’t know this man then shame on your monkey ass! This dude is from New Zealand but plays almost every race but Black…yet. He enrolls her in school but she says she would rather learn to kill. So he calmly explains to her that she must be smart first and they go home and eat. Nope. He fires a gun at a passing car and it wrecks and the cops come. Then they slowly walk away. Seriously. That happened.

This is the most she wears in the entire film.

Later she gets herself arrested. Oh, she’s a woman now. She gets arrested and escapes from her cell doing some Mission Impossible type shit and kills a guy before making it back to her cell without being caught. She’s that good at her killing.

And art. Because in every fucking movie everyone is good at art. And journalism. 

The whole point of the way she kills people, by drawing a flower that she was named after on her victims, is to draw out the guy that had her family killed. So yeah, she goes around killing all these people, for four fucking years!, just to get the attention of some guys that really aren’t that hard to find.

All he knows is that she probably has an allergy towards bras. 

There’s a relationship thrown in for the fuck of it. The guy doesn’t know her real name, what she does, where she’s from, or anything. But he still leaves the key to his place for her when he’s out of town. He ends up taking a picture of her while she is sleeping which comes back to bite her in the ass when the cops run a super scientific scan on her face when she was arrested and this photo and find her.

She really hates having her photo taken.

Her uncle is sick of her shit and wants her to quit but she won’t. She kinda makes amends with him but still refuses to stop killing. She gets into the lead cop searching for her and threatens to kill his entire family if he doesn’t find out where the guy she is looking for is. He gets it for her in a way and she heads to the place. Mind you, I am leaving out more escapes on her end and goofy ass killings she has done. She makes one guy get eaten by a shark.

Damn you, Sharktopus!!!

So she finds the bad guy and shoots a rocket at him. He survives and she picks off the bad guys one by one. She even fights one of them with toothbrushes. I know you think I’m making this shit up but I’m really not. She ends up having her dogs eat the main bad guy. In the end she is free and her boyfriend is in police custody, her uncle and his mother are dead, and she left her dogs to likely get destroyed for killing a man. Yay, happy ending!