Thursday, April 26, 2012
Child Protective Services went to Octomom’s house after finding out that the place was a shithole. But they still said she’s doing a good job…for an unfit parent I assume they mean. Remember how she is getting $2,000 a month in welfare? She just got her hair done for $520.
Fuck this woman. No, don’t! I was speaking metaphorically. Damn pervert. Oh, and the company that did her hair, Brazilian Blowout, decided to offer her free hair care. Kids, stop trying. Just fuck up and let the world take care of you.
Michael Jackson’s black surgical mask is being auctioned for $20,000. This planet is so strange to me. I’m going back to Mars. Oh, man, look at those cavemen go!
Lindsay Lohan was three hours late on the set of Glee because fuck work.
I had heard about this movie Lockout starring Guy Pearce about a dude that gets convicted for a murder that he didn’t commit only to be asked to save the President’s daughter played by Maggie Grace aka The Dumb Daughter From Taken. Before you see this movie remember that logic has no place here. You hear people say “Check your brain at the door.” That is a very fitting assessment of this movie.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Kardashian family is happy about the fact that their daughter Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are together…despite the fact that she is still married to Kris Humphries who is still planning on suing reality TV. I love how funny that sounds. Next year I’m taking drama to court. What a maroon.
The Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan is getting a divorce and he is gonna be paying out the ass! He’s going to have to pay $23,000 a month plus $10,000 for child support. Fuck that! I don’t care if you eat gold for breakfast and diamonds for dinner, you shouldn’t get that much money during a divorce.
Suge Knight is mad that the ghost of Tupac that played at Coachella last week didn’t have on a Death Row necklace. Really? Really? He says no one has seen Tupac dead. Uh, I have. Autopsy pictures. So there’s that.
I make uninformed decisions. I don’t hide this fact. I jump to conclusions, I badmouth things I have no intentions of ever tasting/trying/traveling. Its my thing. When I heard that they (ze Germans?) were making a Battleship movie based off of the board game I laughed at the stupid people who made this decision. You got $200,000,000 laying around, why not make a Hungry Hungry Hippos game? That shit would be deadly.
|And this alligator would agree with me.|
So I watched the trailer for this movie and just laughed because Liam Neeson continues to prove that he is losing his mind at an alarming rate but still managing to trick me to see his movies. So when I watched this movie and actually cheered at parts like a big ass nerd I was surprised. Very surprised.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Guns N’ Roses got inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame but former lead singer Axel Rose is still acting like a total punk bitch so he skipped it. Have you seen him lately? Guh…
Lindsay Lohan was hanging out at Coachella when her dumb ass needed to be at home not being around any booze. She’s currently being investigated for assault and you know we’re about a week away from her doing something stupid.
Remember last week when I mentioned Amanda Bynes being arrested for DUI? Now she fucked her car up by backing over a curb while texting. Stay classy, miss.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
“Why? Everyone says, ‘Why isn’t he married?’ But it’s like, Fuck! Why do I have to get married? Just so I can get divorced?” Benicio Del Toro
One of the most stand out actors to come along in years along with being someone that men find creepy and love and who women find sexy and love, Benicio Del Toro is this weeks Bad Ass Mofo. Not just because of his strange ass roles in Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, Snatch, or even in Wolfman where he didn‘t even have to wear makeup. But because he has hair that just won’t quit! Its like his costar in every film he’s ever made.
Whitney Houston died from drowning which most likely was caused from all the shit in her body that had no business being there. Anything else? Nope. I think we’ve covered all the bases now.
A video of her daughter Bobbi Kristina smoking a bong last year has popped up. This kid needs to go somewhere for a while. Somewhere jailish. Or hospitalish. Those are not real words so don’t use them. Your friends will laugh at you.
Jennifer Lopez rented a chunk of Long Beach so she could play with her kids including the child she is dating, Casper Smart. This is so no one takes photos of her or bothers her. So while looking at a photo of her playing with her kids on the beach I wondered how effective this was.
Singer Montell Jordon ("This is how we do it!") is in trouble for not paying taxes. That sucks since no party is a real party unless his song plays.
Monday, April 9, 2012
In this episode I cover the Top 10 movies from this past weekend, Wrath of The Titans, Colombiana, Super, Game Of Thrones, and Pretty In Pink. Click here to download this episode and here for past Rant Zone Shows!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Heidi Klum and Seal are finally in the process of getting a divorce. For months he was all like “You remain my power my pleasure my pain!” Then she got mad at him for singing his songs at her. I wonder if his penis looks like his cheeks. I’m not being mean! I’m curious.
Tyler Perry was pulled over by two White cops. Not sure why but I’m gonna hazard a guess and say its because he makes very shitty films. “RACIAL PROFILING SHOULD BE A HATE CRIME INVESTIGATED BY THE FBI!!!” Sure. Way to clog the courts with every Black person ever.
Lisa Robyn Kelly from That 70’s Show who was arrested for spousal abuse last week was interviewed and said that she wasn’t on anything. “Absolutely not. There is nothing that I was on or abusing at that time.” She does know we saw the mugshot, right?
Monday, April 2, 2012
“I’m watching everybody, but I care mostly about me. So, I’m watching and thinking, ‘Good, Jeff. That's nice, Jeff. Yes, Jeff, go for it. Oh, yes, Jeff.’” Jeff Goldblum
Every few decades an actor comes along that doesn’t quite fit into a box. An actor that you look at and say to yourself “I can totally do what he does!” But you cant. You know why? Because you’re not Jeff Goldblum. And you’re not this weeks Bad Ass Mofo! This guy has been the strange yet awesome guy in many films and shows no signs of slowing down.
Lindsay Lohan says that she is focused on getting her acting career back on track. That’s like me saying I want to get my parkour career back on track since I jumped over stuff and ran at one point in my life. Can we stop pretending she can act now?
Actress (?!) Lisa Robin Kelly from That 70’s Show was arrested for spousal abuse. Find her mug shot. Okay. Now find a picture of her from the show. Great googly moogly!!!
Its been confirmed that cocaine was found in Whitney Houston’s hotel room following her death. And brace yourself for this bit of news: I’m 6’1” and Black! That’s it for Obvious Shit!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Sam Worthington and his hair are back once again to fight some gods! Well, not really. He’s here to help those assholes in the sky to stop an even more evil god from taking over. When I saw Clash of The Titans a few years ago I was all about the Kraken. That was the moment I was waiting for. In this one it was to see the Makhai. More on those later.
This movie is like ten years after the first movie. Perseus, Worthington, has a son and live in a village where it appears they mine dirt. Zeus, Liam Neeson, shows up and he’s like “Dude, we’re fucked. No one worships us anymore so we’re losing our powers.” Now, if you remember the first movie you’d be like “Good! You assholes are dangerous!”