The Review: The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina Chapters 1-2

There will be spoilers as I go along. So I started watching the Netflix series The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina at the recommendation of H. I was on the fence about it. I used to watch the original series on TV that starred Melissa Joan Hart. I've had a crush on that woman since Clarissa Explains It All. Leave me alone. I decided to watch the first two episodes of this and will keep on watching unless it starts to stink. So far with the first two episodes I am impressed. The special effects are way better than I expected and even the relationship between Sabrina played by Kiernan Shipka and her boyfriend is not as bad as I thought it'd be.

So far my favorite character is Chance Perdomo as Ambrose Spellman who on the Wikipage says is pansexual and I'm like “I don't give a fuck who anyone likes” so I hope that doesn't become some big part of this series. I also like the cat Salem and how he was introduced. Creepy as shit. What I do not like right now is the music. It is always some song relating to magic or darkness which is immediately cheese balls to me. They did that on that show Lucifer and I would roll my eyes so far back I'd see my childhood and run outside to an ice cream truck that was not there. And Jaz Sinclair as her best friend Rosalind “Roz” Walker made me pause the episode because she looked familiar. Turns out she was in that terrible movie When The Bough Breaks. She also looks way too old to be around these kids. It's not even her height. Not her fault everyone is tiny. She just looks like an adult.

Casting Slouch: Rachael Ostovich as Wonder Woman

I continue to recast the DC films. I already did Batman and Superman and now it is time to tackle Wonder Woman. There was the old Wonder Woman series with Lynda Carter and as far as looks go and having the character of what I'd like Wonder Woman to be she is the best. After that there was the terrible ass TV show they attempted. If you have not watched it you can find it online just to laugh at what they thought could pass as a watchable show. On the Justice League cartoon series they did a really good job of showcasing her. I want to figure out a way to make her character not come across as weak as she has been portrayed at times or as bland as she was in the Wonder Woman movie. Seriously. She was pretty lame.

Theater Whore: Halloween

Halloween 2/10

This will be full of spoilers. Forget everything you think you know about Halloween and all its various reboots and rewriting of history. Also forget to enjoy yourself because this movie is not good. I'm not even comparing it to the other films because I have vague recollections of those and no serious attachment to them. I thought this trailer looked cool and decided to check it out and ended up finishing and going “Wow. That was a waste of time.” With a horror movie I can watch and enjoy them for a lot of reasons. Because the kills are creative. Because they are unintentionally funny. Because they scared me. Because they were shot well. I don't have any of that to say about this movie. Hell, even the way the movie looked and the camera moved felt like a TV show. It had no flavor to it which sucks.

The Review: Castlevania Season 2

Castlevania Season Two 2/10

While I really enjoyed the first season of Castlevania this second season was boring as hell. Most of it was a series of vampires trying to out-cool one another and the “good guys” are sitting in a library collecting information. This is just an animated series of gore, random cursing, and a story that I can not be bothered to even write about. The sound editing was terrible. I don't pay too much attention to this when it is done well. It blends in and I don't think about it but in this series the sound comes across as empty or feeling like someone is just going “Sword sound. Sword sound. Grunt. Clink.” This was just not entertaining at all. Just a bunch of nonsense that wasn't worth being made.

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Casting Slouch: Jon Hamm as Batman

I am back again to casting movies because I have a lot of free time and like telling silly studios how to do their job properly...meaning how I want it. This time I am casting the next Batman movie and for this movie I will be using Jon Hamm. For anyone that thinks that Jon Hamm can not be scary just watch him in Baby Driver. He is one of those actors that looks one way but can act another which I love. I thought he only did things like drama and was funny in interviews but his few scenes in Bridesmaids had me cracking up. There is a lot I like about this guy and I am gonna explain why I think he could be the perfect Batman and what the story should and shouldn't have.

The Review: Who Shot The Sheriff?

Who Shot The Sheriff? 7/10

Before I watched this documentary on Netflix called Who Shot The Sheriff?: The Bob Marley Story I knew very little about Bob Marley. Like the bare minimum. I knew some of his songs, where he was from, and that he had a lot of kids. That's about it. I had no idea of the impact he had on people. Not like the impact that famous people these days have where it sticks around in the form of clothing and music style and way of speaking but in terms of serious political movements. This is not the Kanye/Trump level bullshit I'm talking about either. This dude had real power and people tried to use him in ways that were not fair to one human being.

The Review: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 7/10

Today I got to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre with B&H during a double feature of horror films aka Dante Talks For An Hour And A Half. This movie was not as violent or bloody as I was expecting. Hell, only one person got chopped with a chainsaw and he deserved it. I have seen versions of this series of movies but never the original so this was all new to me even though it came out half a decade before I was born. This group of losers is heading to this small town to see if the grave of a couple of 'ems grandfather got dug up because some nut is digging up graves and taking body parts. This is an old horror movie so you actually want people someone to survive whereas in the horror movies of today they make every an asshole and you just wanna see how creatively they can be killed.

The Review: Bad Ben

Bad Ben 8/10

Another week another horror movie with B&H. This time we watched a movie from 2016 called Bad Ben. I'd never heard of this festival of nonsense but I am so glad I watched it. It only cost a few hundred bucks and was filmed in the writer and directors house named Nigel Bach. He plays a guy named Tom Riley who bought a place from a sheriff's sale and wants to flip it and sale it. He is the only person in the movie and the only voice you hear and you will laugh at his voice often. When he says “Goddammit!” you will too. He looks around the house and finds things like crosses and bibles which he promptly tosses in the trash. He leaves and comes back and furniture is moved around. He thinks someone is doing this and activates a series of cameras in every part of the house along with filming it himself on his phone.

Casting Slouch: Armie Hammer as Superman

I'm tired of DC playing games with their shitty ass movies. Yeah. Everyone talks about how bad the movies are and that if you hate them that you are a Marvel fanboy. Shut up. Just because you like garbage doesn't mean everyone else has to. I like good shit. I even like bad good shit. I don't like bad shitty shit like the DC movies. I re-watched Wonder Woman recently and realized that it sucked. Yeah, it's better than Batman V. Superman. Know what else was better than that movie? A banana I had for breakfast this morning. That potassium filled yellow wang from nature gave me more pleasure than BVS. How was Wonder Woman any better than Man Of Steel, Justice League, or BVS? It starred a lady. That's pretty much it. The story was not good. Gal Gadot is not what I'd call a competent actress. She has the same facial expression when she first meets a male, blocks bullets with her bracelets, and when she defeats Ares.

There. I just destroyed your hero. With this Casting Slouch series I try to take bad and make it good...er. I want to recast Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. From scratch. No connection to the other films at all. These will not be origin stories. Fuck that. With each of these I will explain the story that I'd like to see and why as well as what should not be seen and barely even talked about. Let's see how bad I am at this.

The Review: Daredevil Season 3

Daredevil Season 3 – 9/10

There will be spoilers. Hot off the heels of the cancellation of Luke Cage and Iron Fist the writers of Daredevil season three were like “Fuck it, let's make this even better than the first season and pretend that the half decent second season didn't happen!” Seriously. Cam asked me if she needed to watch the second season to watch this and I said that she could watch the Netflix recap and be fine. You don't have to watch any of the spin off shows either. That Elektra stuff was boring and terrible and dragged Daredevil down while the Punisherstuff was awesome as all get out. I was worried about this since the second season of all these Marvel shows find ways to be horrible but they somehow found a way to get me to watch this entire seasons in less than twenty four hours. Did it need thirteen episodes? No. Did I like every episode? No. I'll get to the one I didn't enjoy soon enough. Though this season was not perfect it did more to develop every character on screen and flesh out their stories in ways I could not predict.

You Had One Job: Netflix Cancels Iron Fist/Luke Cage

This is not a race issue. It's a garbage ass series issue. It is being reported that both Iron Fist and Luke Cage have been canceled from Netflix and I am totally fine with that. Hell, they can toss in Jessica Jones in there if they want and I wouldn't mind. I thoroughly enjoyed the first season of Luke Cage and was very excited when I heard a second was being made...until I watched it. That second season was nothing like the first. The acting dropped. The music felt forced. It ended in such a way that it felt as if they did not even want a third season to happen. Hell, with the way he was acting The Defenders was pretty much dead in the water. There are some things you can not come back from even as a hero.

The Review: The Death Of Superman

The Death Of Superman 8/10

This one movie did more to endure me to Superman as a character than Man Of Steel, Batman V Superman, and Justice League combined. The Death Of Superman is not like the comic book version. This animated DC Universe takes bits and pieces from different areas and timelines of DC Comics and makes it its own thing which I appreciate. The biggest thing that this got right was that it showed one thing that movies have had a problem showing: Superman being loved. There is a big difference between being loved and being appreciated. In the movies Superman is appreciated because he saves people and leaves. He isn't trying to be famous for what he does. I mean, in those two times we saw him do it in the latest films. In these movies Superman is welcomed. He has friends. He has a personal life. He is a well rounded character, not just a guy that punches big things and destroys the city. Yeah, the city gets fucked up in this but not as much as I expected.

The Review: Before I Wake

Before I Wake 7/10

Today I watched this crazy ass movie called Before I Wake with B&H. They'd seen it already and like a lot of people they wanted to see my reaction to horror movie nonsense. As soon as the movie started I had a full glass of “Nope!” This stars Jacob Tremblay, Kate Bosworth who I kind of forgot existed, and Thomas Jane looking like an American Tommy Wiseau. I didn't know it was really Thomas Jane until we checked and he looked super rough. This starts with a dude rushing into a little boys room with a gun looking like he is about to shoot his ass until something attacks his ass. Next thing you know the couple played by Bosworth and Jane named Jessie and Mark “Hi, Mark!” Hobson adopt the same little boy. His name is Cody which was an automatic pass from me. Name your kid Cody, Logan, Tyler, Conner, Jake, Colin, or any variation of Jake and I'm gonna side-eye you.

The Review: Upgrade

Upgrade 6/10

There will be spoilers. I finally got around to seeing Upgrade. When I first saw the trailer I thought it looked awesome and had a cool premise. I also thought the main actor was Tom Hardy because, damn it, he looks like Tom Hardy. Then that Venom trailer came out and I laughed because it looked like Upgrade. I liked this a lot because I like revenge movies and I like violent movies and this is a very revenge based action movie. This guy Grey Trace is a mechanic that is not a huge fan of technology. His wife Asha works for a company that helps with augmenting humans with technology. One day they go to return a car Grey was working on and it turns out to be the home of this weird ass smart dude named Eron that is working on some technology called STEM.

Theater Whore: Ant Man & The Wasp

Ant Man & The Wasp 7/10

I played myself! This will contain all kinds of spoilers. I did not enjoy the first Ant Man movie so when I saw that this was coming out I told myself that I could skip it. I have seen every single film Marvel has put out as part of the MCU but for whatever reason thought that I could skip this one and be okay with it. I was a damned fool. Ant Man & The Wasp was better than I expected and had an ending that made me realize how stupid I was to not see this sooner. I mean, its fine that I waited but not really. This takes place after Civil War and Paul Rudd aka Ant Man aka Scott Lang is on house arrest for violating the Sokovia Accords. That's the shit where if you wanna be a superhero you gotta register. He is just living his weird life at home and playing with his kid and learning magic tricks online.

You Had One Job: Warner Bros Acquires James Gunn

There will be a Guardians Of The Galaxy 3 but chances are I won't watch it and some of the cast will not be involved after the removal of director/writer James Gunn after some old tweets that many found offensive were dug up and paraded like Oliver Cromwell. Seriously. Let me get this out the way before I get to the bittersweet news. Everyone says or writes something fucked up. If you dig into the past of someone you will eventually find something that you do not like or agree with. After Gunn was removed from directing duties from the next GOTG movie, which would have been fucking awesome, he had this to say.

“My words of nearly a decade ago were, at the time, totally failed and unfortunate efforts to be provocative. I have regretted them for many years since — not just because they were stupid, not at all funny, wildly insensitive, and certainly not provocative like I had hoped, but also because they don’t reflect the person I am today or have been for some time. Regardless of how much time has passed, I understand and accept the business decisions taken today. Even these many years later, I take full responsibility for the way I conducted myself then. All I can do now, beyond offering my sincere and heartfelt regret, is to be the best human being I can be: accepting, understanding, committed to equality, and far more thoughtful about my public statements and my obligations to our public discourse. To everyone inside my industry and beyond, I again offer my deepest apologies. Love to all.”

The Review: Nappily Ever After

Nappily Ever After 4/10

After hearing reviews of this movie from my cousin JP and Miss Jackie I decided to check out Nappily Ever After which is simultaneously annoying and aggravating. I know that I watched this definitely than a woman will, particularly Black women. I can shave my head any time I want which I did just a week and a half ago. I lost chunks of hair when I was little so I look at hair and hair loss in a different way than women. Women take their hair super seriously. This movie is about a woman that was raised to care more about how she appeared than anything else. Her name is Violet and she is played by Sanaa Lathan. She is dating this guy and is obsessed with making sure she looks perfect all the time. She goes to get her hair done and this little girl fucks with the bottles and she ends up with a head full of relaxer. She gets a weave to repair the damage.

The Review: We Own The Night

We Own The Night 7/10

I finally finished watching We Own The Night which I started months ago. I began on my Kindle but there are some things that you just can not enjoy the same on those things. This is a movie that I had heard of but did not know who was in it or what it was about. This is a good, solid movie that I am surprised that not that many people have ever mentioned this. It stars Mark Wahlberg, Joaquin Phoenix, Eva Mendes, and Robert Duvall. Seriously. With that cast how have I not seen this movie before now? It takes place in Brooklyn, New York in 1988. Phoenix is Bobby Green. He is running a super popular night club, doing all the drugs, having all the Mendes sex, and generally enjoying his life. Meanwhile his brother Joseph played by Wahlberg is a super cop. He raids the club one night and Bobby is all about not cooperating. He fights back and is arrested. By the way, no one knows they are related.

The Review: Life After Beth

Life After Beth 5/10

I've had this movie Life After Beth on my Netflix cue for a while and decided to finally watch it today. I think Dane DeHaan gives good face and I have a 110% crush on Aubrey Plaza so I figured I'd have a good time. It starts off with Beth played by Plaza hiking and texting and then Zach played by DeHaan being napkins to take to a wake. Turns out Beth is dead. Zach misses her like crazy and his family is rather not supportive of him. Zach becomes closer with Beth's family and then one night the help runs out the house screaming and Zach thinks he sees Beth walking through the house. He stalks the family until he gets inside and finds out she is alive and they are not sure why. Zach is happy but they have to keep it secret and her family does not want her out during the day.

The Review: Ozark Season 2

Ozark Season Two 10/10

My body was not ready for this! This will have some spoilers. This season had some many twists and turns and surprises that I wish I had done a recap of every single episode to have been more thorough. The first season of Ozark was amazing and the second did not disappoint. What I love most about this show is that no one feels safe not even the main characters. If you watched how the last season ended then you know that just when things feel like they are falling into place and there can be a moment of peace so crazy shit is about to take place. As nutty as the first season was now that everyone is established I knew they were gonna have to up the ante for this one to even come close to the first. They did. I've never yelled at my TV so much while watching a show.