Casting Slouch: Armie Hammer as Superman

I'm tired of DC playing games with their shitty ass movies. Yeah. Everyone talks about how bad the movies are and that if you hate them that you are a Marvel fanboy. Shut up. Just because you like garbage doesn't mean everyone else has to. I like good shit. I even like bad good shit. I don't like bad shitty shit like the DC movies. I re-watched Wonder Woman recently and realized that it sucked. Yeah, it's better than Batman V. Superman. Know what else was better than that movie? A banana I had for breakfast this morning. That potassium filled yellow wang from nature gave me more pleasure than BVS. How was Wonder Woman any better than Man Of Steel, Justice League, or BVS? It starred a lady. That's pretty much it. The story was not good. Gal Gadot is not what I'd call a competent actress. She has the same facial expression when she first meets a male, blocks bullets with her bracelets, and when she defeats Ares.

There. I just destroyed your hero. With this Casting Slouch series I try to take bad and make it good...er. I want to recast Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman. From scratch. No connection to the other films at all. These will not be origin stories. Fuck that. With each of these I will explain the story that I'd like to see and why as well as what should not be seen and barely even talked about. Let's see how bad I am at this.

Theater Whore: Sorry To Bother You

Sorry To Bother You 10/10

I'm not even sure how to talk about this movie without spoiling everything so I am gonna be vague as all fuck. Even if you see the trailer for this you won't get a bit of what this movie is truly about. I saw this after Camille told me about seeing it and saying that even though she has not seen many movies this year this is the best one. I saw it this morning and was blown the hell away by it. The basic version is that this is a guy named Cassius Green played by Lakeith Stanfield (who was the best part of War Machine) that needs a job and gets one as a telemarketer. He is told by a coworker that he sounds too Black and he says that his Black friends tell him he sounds too White. He tries out a new voice and becomes extremely successful at work and is promoted. Shit gets stranger from there.

Theater Whore: Free Fire

Free Fire 9/10

There will be some spoilers. The new movie Free Fire was what I wanted and more. I saw the trailer for this last year and wondered where the hell it went. Well, it came out today and I used an AMC gift card I got for my birthday last month to head on over to the Century City AMC. I had not seen a movie here in years and they have really improved it. In the trailer its just a warehouse full of people shooting at each other. Guess what? That is a large portion of this movie. Just a bunch of folks shooting at each other. After almost 25 minutes of trailers the movie started. I shit you not. There were that many trailers and I could probably tell you about two of the ones I saw.

Theater Whore: The Lone Ranger

So I decided to watch The Lone Ranger because I was in the mood to torture myself. I had heard all the reviews but nothing to detailed to spoil the movie and saw how little it made compared to how much it cost to make. To me this movie was destined to fail just like John Carter and Green Hornet. They are characters that millions of people know but that doesn’t mean that folks are gonna want to shell over close to $20 to watch them. 

The premise of this movie is pretty simple. Tonto played by Johnny Depp is telling the story of the adventures he and The Lone Ranger had. This, by the way, completely removed any sense of danger the film presented since he was an old man telling the story and The Lone Ranger was known as someone who could no longer die after being killed. So when no one can be killed why should I care what they do?