Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ross Radio Show 101

To get everyone in a party mood I play some James Brown Funky Good Time, Chaka Khan I Feel For You, Shannon Let The Music Play, Debbie Deb Lookout Weekend, Stevie Wonder I Wish, The Jackson’s This Place Hotel, Rick James Dance Wit Me, Howard Johnson So Fine, Brick Dazz, The Gap Band You Dropped The Bomb On Me, The Whispers Rock Steady, Maze featuring Frankie Beverly Before I Let Go, Morris Day & The Time 777-9311, New Edition N.E Heartbreak, and Prince Let’s Go Crazy. Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Insert Coin: WCW/nWo Revenge

“At the time of the game's release, the Monday Night Wars were starting to go in favor of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF). Despite this WCW/nWo Revenge was generally recognized as the best wrestling game of 1998. Revenge's main competition that year was WWF War Zone by Acclaim. The Revenge grappling system is part of what ensured the game's success and popularity. The system was simple to learn and allowed for a variety of moves to be performed depending on the character.”

Screw 1998. This is still one of the best wrestling games ever created. I remember back when I first played this it seemed so damned realistic. It was the first game to feature blood. You’d hit someone in the head with a bat, chair, or trophy and they would pause, check the blood, and pass out. Some woman even screamed out loud when it happened. This was also one of the first times I played a wrestling game where people actually had most of their own real moves, not a generic move set with hopefully their real finisher. I’m looking at you Royal Rumble for Sega Genesis.

Gossip & Shit December 28th 2011

Rachel Uchitel, the first of many women to say she slept with Tiger Woods, is pregnant. How could you knock someone up that you only know exists because she tried to get famous for banging a married man?

Lindsay Lohan is not going to go out and party for New Year’s. Which I translate to “She got enough drugs from that trip to Hawaii that she wont even be able to recognize her front door so its better she get stoned at home.

There are rumors that Maria Shriver, due to religious reasons, may be changing her mind over divorcing Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I’ll be back…” he probably said to an empty hotel room while surrounded by cheeseburgers.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

FAP FILES: Elvira Mistress Of The Dark

Back when I was a kid there was this show that would come on Channel 9. I forget what it was called back then. Now its owned by Disney and called KCAL. And I know that they would never air this show now. It was called Movie Macabre and it was hosted by Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark. I’ve mentioned before that I never went through a phase where I went “Ew, girls!” I’m sure this was helped by the fact that every Saturday afternoon after watching bad kung fu films I got to see this fucking bombshell show terrible B-movies afterwards. She is this weeks Fap File entry and worthy of any amount of Kleenex you may use imagining she has any interest in you.

"Fighting Words!": The Grove Theater

As I mentioned in my last blog I experienced something I’d never seen before. Follow me children as I begin my tale. It all started on Christmas night. Me and my friend went to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I don’t like leaving the house on Christmas. Everyone is still crazy and looking to take out the fact that they hate their family on unsuspecting victims. We headed to The Grove over by Farmer’s Market and got the last of four tickets available. We skipped on getting snacks and head into the theater.

I have to point out that a few months ago The Grove started doing like The Arclight and having you pick a seat before heading in. As soon as we fucking get inside an usher tells us “Its going down, ni**a! Every man for himself!” They didn’t really say that though they might as well. “Its now first come first serve.” So why in the hell did we pick seats then? We head to our original seats anyway and naturally they are taken.

Theater Whore: Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol wastes absolutely no time getting started. I was not a fan at all of the first Mission Impossible. The second one I liked (though a ton of people hated it because it was ultra John Woo). The third was cool. But this one was like being on a damned rollercoaster. This makes your normal life seem boring as all hell in comparison. You ever jump off a rooftop while taking out two guys with guns and then using an inflatable pack installed in your jacket to break your fall before rolling to the ground and then killing another one? Yeah, I did too. That was the best birthday ever.

Theater Whore: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Its hard to review this movie. Not that it wasn’t a good film. It was. But it felt more like something I would watch while at home with nothing else to do. It stars a lot of actors whose film credits I will not sit here and list. Honestly, if you don’t know the films of most of these people then something is seriously wrong with you. Some of the actors are Mark Strong, Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman (this week’s Bad Ass Mofo), Colin Firth and John Hurt. The gist of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy is that the head of British Intelligence’s program The Circus is under new control. But there is someone in there who is a mole. It is up to a trusted few to figure out who it is and what damage they have already done.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Michelle Yeoh

“I prefer to be kicked four or five times well, you know, hard, than twenty or twenty five times not so good…” Michelle Yeoh

Have you ever had fantasies of having your ass handed to you by a former Miss Malaysia? No? Oh. I guess its just me then. This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is Michelle Yeoh! Seems a lot of hot chicks are named Michelle. The crazy thing about her being known for being a kick ass action star is that she had no martial arts skills. She uses her dance knowledge and fight trainers to help her with her roles. Have I mentioned how beautiful this woman is? And she isn’t new to movies. She has been acting and looking like this for over 30 years. You know what I’ve been doing for over 30 years? No, seriously. I’m asking you. I have no idea.

Monday, December 26, 2011

"Bad Ass Mofo": Gary Oldman

"Any actor who tells you that they have become the people they play, unless they're clearly diagnosed as a schizophrenic, is bullshitting you." Gary Oldman

An actor that can one moment make you cheer him and whatever cause he’s fighting for and the next make you cringe as he tortures your favorite hero with nothing but a glance. Gary Oldman is this weeks Bad Ass Mofo! Born in New Cross, London, England, I actually had no idea that he was English until I saw an interview with him. One f his memorable roles was in Leon The Professional where he chases a little girl after murdering her entire family in broad daylight in a ratty apartment. His breakout role came in the form of playing Sid Vicious in Sid & Nancy. He has the ability to transform himself physically almost becoming whatever role he is playing. In Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban he looks crazy way too easily.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

FAP FILES: Rosario Dawson

She who wins life. She who wins the internets. She who is the hottest woman and Fap File Of The YearRosario Dawson is the best everything that ever lived. I’ve stopped defending her against naysayer’s. I have had a thing for her ever since I was a teenager. I saw her in the movie Kids and immediately was like “Who is this and how can I live in her?” She is as far as I’m concerned the total package in terms of hotness, womaness, and coolness. She is what happens when you combine Puerto Rican, Afro-Cuban, Native American, and Irish blood. That could be a terrible dish to eat but for whatever reason creates a hot ass chick. I love how in that movie  Seven Pounds they tried to make her unattractive and like she was dying. I was like "Whatevs..." They're are gonna have to use some CGI and secretly place some foul smell under my seat to make me unhappy while looking at her. Either that or show me a photo of her and a new boyfriend. That never makes me happy.

The Best Films Of 2011 According To Dante

At the beginning of the year I was expecting to have my heart broken by a series of crappy films. I honestly believed that I was going to head to the theaters maybe once and that would be it. I was so wrong! This was the most I’d gone to the theater in years! I decided to compile a list of The Best Films Of 2011 According To Dante. I don’t care about award shows anymore so I wont even bring up who should win what. Let’s hope in the next week before the end of the year that I don’t see another great film. Click the titles to read my original reviews.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Theater Whore: Rubber

Cam told me about this movie called Rubber and I thought she was making it all up or dreamed she had actually watched it. It’s the story of a tire that is alive and has psychokinetic abilities. That means it can blow shit up just by looking at it and concentrating. I have wished for this ability since childhood and have yet to master it. Yet. The premise alone made it worth checking out so I did. And now I cant get those eighty some odd minutes back.

The movie starts off with a bunch of chairs in a desert being knocked over by a car. A cop climbs out of the trunk and begins to point out ridiculous facts about great films of history and how nothing makes sense. So you should just sit and watch this and try not to make any sense of it. I’m cool with that. Hudson Hawk is one of my favorite films. I can not think…to a certain point. After about half an hour my mind started to drift and wondered what this would’ve been like as a short and not a full length film.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Babbling Old Man: Motorama

Throwback suggested I watch this movie. He showed me the trailer a few months ago since I accused him of having a fever dream and that this movie didn’t actually exist. I’m not sure how I feel after watching this strange ass movie. Though it was made in 1991, whoever directed and wrote it had to have been doing some leftover drugs they found in the couch from 1984. This film is crazy as all hell and will leave you saying the same thing as I did when I was done. “I don’t…I don’t get it.” This kid named Gus leaves his home at the beginning of the movie where you hear his parents fighting and his mother getting smacked. He makes some stilts so he can reach the gas pedal. Does no one hear the kid using power tools in the middle of the night?!

Insert Coin: Super Mario World

“After saving the Mushroom Kingdom, brothers Mario and Luigi agree to take a vacation to a place called Dinosaur Land, where there are many types of dinosaurs. However, while resting in the beach, Princess Toadstool disappears. When Mario and Luigi wake up they try to find her and, after hours of searching, come across a giant egg in the forest. It suddenly hatches and out of it comes a young dinosaur named Yoshi, who then tells them that his dinosaur friends have also been imprisoned in eggs by evil turtles. Mario and Luigi soon realize that it must be the evil King Koopa Bowser and his Koopalings.”

Next to Super Mario Bros. 3 this is my favorite Mario game. Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo was a great game. I think people forget about this one when talking about all the games not realizing that this is the game that introduced the character Yoshi. Oh, I liked him back when you just rode his goofy ass around and he didn’t learn to say his own name. Those were the good old days. He could eat enemies and spit fire. This game also had the best looking and craziest enemies. Like Bullet Bill. A big ass Bullet Bill!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

FAP FILES: Salma Hayek

There are galaxies not as hot as this woman. This weeks Fap File entry Salma Hayek is definitely one of the most attractive women to ever live and I saved her for the end of the year on purpose. I didn’t wanna blow my wad too quickly…so to speak. I shouldn’t even have to tell people how good she looks. Just check out any photo of her. Even when she is “ugly” she’s hot. A while back some magazine printed pictures of her without makeup thinking that would do some damage to her hotness. That is like taking the Mona Lisa and putting it in an IKEA frame and saying it is no longer a beautiful work of art. Nice try. It didn’t work. Me and my wang are way smarter than that! A friend pointed out that her breasts are fake and I still don't believe it. Those things are my Santa Claus and they are still real to me, damn it! Logic and reason do not live in my apartment.

Theater Whore: The Sitter

I think the last film to make me not laugh as much as this one The Sitter was The Hangover. Starring Jonah Hill (Moneyball, Knocked Up, Superbad) is an asshole. There’s no other way to really describe his character. The movie starts off with him going down on a girl and not getting the same in return. He heads home and flops on the couch and his desperate mom asks if he can baby-sit for her friend. He gets a case of the guilties and agrees. So far the story has established that he is very unlikable.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Insert Coin: Streets Of Rage 3

“After being defeated twice, Syndicate crime boss Mr. X has started a research company called RoboCy Corporation to act as a cover for his illegal activities. The world's best roboticist, Dr. Dahm, has been brought in to help him create an army of realistic robots to replace important officials from the city. With the replacements in place, Mr. X plans to run the city using a remote control device. His criminal organization, The Syndicate, has strategically placed bombs around the city to distract the police while the city officials are dealt with. Blaze contacts her old comrades Axel Stone and Adam Hunter for a task force to bring down The Syndicate once and for all. Axel quickly joins the task force, but Adam can't make it due to his own assignments from within the police and sends his young brother, Eddie ‘Skate' Hunter instead.”

So let me get this straight. Adam, the Blacker from the first Streets Of Rage and the victim of Streets Of Rage 2 is too busy at work, so he sends his little brother whose main skill set is dancing and making strange sounds while he battles grown ass men? Whatever. It’s a good a plan as anything else these people have done. Streets Of Rage 3 sucked balls by the way. They took everything you liked about previous games and put a little extra stank on them. Child protective services did not exist in this city.

Ross Radio Show 100

In this Christmas themed episode I play the holiday songs I actually love. Oh and this is episode 100!!! The Jackson 5 Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Stevie Wonder What Christmas Means To Me, The Temptations Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, Eartha Kitt Santa Baby, Otis Redding Merry Christmas Baby, James Brown Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto, Smokey Robinson And The Miracles Jingle Bells, Donny Hathaway This Christmas, The Temptations Give Love On Christmas Day, The Supremes White Christmas, Isaac Hayes Mistletoe & Me, Luther Vandross Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Stevie Wonder Ave Maria, and Marvin Gaye I Want To Come Home For Christmas, Click here to download this and past Ross Radio Shows. Thank you all for listening for the past 100 shows and happy holidays!

"Reel Talk": Welcome Back Kotter

Monday, December 19, 2011

Babbling Old Man: Lethal Weapon 2

Today I decided that after watching Lethal Weapon I had to watch the sequel, Lethal Weapon 2. I know better than to watch the ones after this so I wanted this one to be awesome. It wasn’t. It was as if they took everything that worked in the first film and said “We’re gonna do everything people liked in the first film but triple that shit! More explosions! More cursing! More funny!” It starts off with LAPD Sergeants Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) chasing down a couple of cars. There’s a helicopter that shows up and lots of gunfire and two guys get away. They get to one of the cars and the guy escapes but they find a bunch of gold. The bad guys break into Murtaugh’s home and tie him and his wife up and threaten them.

"Fighting Words!": Dragon Tattoo Fashion

(note: interview excerpts from Eva Gabrielsson are taken from Associated Press Stockholm, Germany)

Now you too can dress like a woman that has spent her life being raped, beaten, and even locked in a mental institution! I started seeing these billboards a few weeks ago with Cam and we were at a loss for words. H&M in their infinite wisdom has put out a line of clothing to coincide with the release of the American version of The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo. If you have not read it I will give you The Dante Version of the first book.

Gossip & Shit December 17th 2011

Chaz Bono and his fiancĂ©e are no longer getting married or together for that matter. What did I say about proposing for a reality show? If you want to fix your problems you don’t do it on television.

Late actress Brittany Murphy’s mom wants to sue the company that built the house for the death of her daughter. Months later her daughters husband died from the same thing. She took a settlement at the time but wants more. No dice.

Michelle “Bombshell” McGee aka Woman 1,956 of Jesse James has a sex tape. Nope.

Kobe Bryant is getting a divorce from his wife. He also didn’t sign a prenup. Oh, you goofy bastard. If you marry an athlete assume that he is cheating. No one is allowed to be shocked by him having multiple affairs.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Milla Jovovich

“Most of the time, if you make a big action film there has to be a big action guy in it. It's very European to trust a woman to play that kind of a role.” Milla Jovovich

This weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is a woman who now makes a career off of playing women that make men check their penises at the door and prepare for an ass whipping. Milla Jovovich (pronounced Me-Luh Yo-Vo-Vitch) does nothing but beat the shit out of people for a living and look nice as all get out while doing it. Seriously. You’re not even paying attention to anything I’m writing. You’re looking at the picture. I’ll wait. You finished? Come on. It doesn’t take that long…usually. Born in Kiev, Ukrainian SSR to a Serbian father and Russian mother, she is the recipe for a great Bond villain. Or someone he would sleep with named Givinaway Pootang that would break his junk off in moments. I've seen it happen and it's just as bad as you imagine.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Morgan Freeman

"I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man." Morgan Freeman

An American treasure and one of the best actors alive, Morgan Freeman is this weeks Bad Ass Mofo! Born in Memphis in 1937, this 74 year old man could stare down God and make him do whatever he wants. Oh, wait. He is God! In Bruce Almighty he got to play the role he was born to play. No one could even get mad that a Black dude was playing God. And if they did it was five across the eye! All I complained about was the haircut. I’m not sure if its an afro or a flattop. I should probably erase that lest I suffer his wrathy wrath. As cool as Mr. Freeman is, things weren’t always so groovy.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Babbling Old Man: Lethal Weapon

"You gon' eat yo cornbread...?"
Believe it or not, I’d never seen Lethal Weapon. I had seen small parts of it but never sat down and watched it from beginning to end. Today they were showing some kinda old man movie marathon on Ion. Top Gun was on next but I have no desire to actually watch it. Maybe because I’ve heard too many jokes about it. The movie begins with L.A.P.D. Homicide Detective Sergeant Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) taking a bath when his wife and kids burst in and sing happy birthday. This was so gross to me by the way. I’d never go into the bathroom while my father was bathing unless there was a fire. Meanwhile L.A.P.D. Narcotics Detective Sergeant Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) is sitting at home about to shoot himself in the head because his wife was killed in a car accident.

One of Murtaugh's old friends daughter took drugs and killed herself by jumping off a balcony. I laughed because she landed on top of a car and landed in a beautiful position. She had on a nighty and the damn thing didn’t even ride up. Lame. Riggs meanwhile is acting like a fucking psycho and should be fired but they keep him on. He’s a wild card that needs to be dealt with. Pun! They meet and find out they’re partners now. Oh, and that chick who jumped had drain cleaner in her drugs and the case is now a homicide, not suicide. Sorry. Allow me to add this to the Dangerous Shit From 80’s Films List.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Theater Whore: The Woman

“She’ll be fine. She’ll be okay. Get a cold cloth for your mother, Peg.”

This is what is said by the father, Chris Cleek, after two hooks and a body blow to his wife in the kitchen when she finally takes a stand. I’m jumping way ahead of myself. I just watched The Woman and I am super fucking hyper right now. This movie totally reminds me of crazy ass horror films like The Hills Had Eyes, Day Of The Woman, or Carrie. Just fucking messed up and insane for all the right reasons. Or wrong ones if you happen to be experiencing anything that happens. I had seen a trailer for this awhile ago and forgotten about it until yesterday. This was directed by Lucky McGee, which is too happy a name for such a goddamn honked up film.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Gossip & Shit December 14th 2011

Lindsay Lohan has breezed through her monkey ass probation hearing with flying colors. I assume she saw colors since she’s a crackhead. In other Lindsay news, she went to Hawaii and had her purse stolen. They took $10,000 cash but left her passport, probation papers, and - wait a fucking second. Who walks around with $10,000 cash?! Oh, people buying drugs or people who just sold drugs. It all makes sense now. And she also missed her plane which would have brought her from Hawaii to the Ellen Show to promote her upcoming Playboy shoot. Ass.

Rapist (allegedly) Kobe Bryant wants everyone to stop blaming Khloe Kardashian for Lamar Odom leaving the Lakers. We’ll draw our own conclusions, sir. I’ll blame that damned family for Wall Street if I feel like it. You focus on not buggering chubby White girls.

Tyra Banks is on a spiritual retreat after her breakup. I don’t know what else to say.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Insert Coin: Contra Hard Corps

“Set five years after the events of Contra III: The Alien Wars, an elite team of commandos called the ‘Unified Military Special Mobile Task Force K-X‘, also known as the ‘Contra Hard Corps‘, has been assembled to combat the rapid spread of crime and illegal activities following the war. When an unknown hacker infiltrates the city's security system and reprograms a group of unmanned robots to cause havoc, the Hard Corps are deployed to handle the situation. As the game progresses, the player will uncover a plot involving Colonel Bahamut, a former war hero, who seeks to overthrow the Government by developing new types of weapon using a stolen alien cell.”

My friend loaned me this game and never asked for it back in the 90’s. Free shit FTW! This game takes everything you ever loved about the original Contra game for Nintendo as a child and rapes it into a coma and then steals your Christmas presents. It wastes absolutely no time bombarding you with loud music and crazy ass explosions. I’m not kidding. The game starts off with you riding a truck the size of a building that crashes into the screen and you jump off of and immediately start killing things. I don’t even know why they’re bothering to save anything. The entire world is on fire.