Insert Coin: RoboCop

"RoboCop was released in 1988 by Nihon Bussan/AV Japan. In the game, a player controls RoboCop who advances through various stages that are taken from the 1987 movie. The bonus screen is a target shooting range that uses a first-person perspective. The intermission features digitized voices from the actors."

RoboCop was one of those Nintendo games I borrowed for a long time because if I owned it I would have either tricked someone into trading with me or put my face through the screen. After seeing the movie when I was young I stupidly assumed that this game would be badass. It wasn't. It was weird and slow and not full of as much action as I was expecting.

Insert Coin: Marble Madness

“Marble Madness is an isometric platform game in which the player manipulates an onscreen marble from a third-person perspective. The player controls the marble's movements with a trackball, though most home versions use game controllers with directional pads. The aim of the game is for the player to complete six maze-like, isometric race courses before a set amount of time expires. When a player completes a race, the remaining time is added to the next race's allotted time. The game also allows two players to compete against each other.”

Yeah. If you wanna find out just how hard someone can hit play this game with them. This one was of the most aggravating video games ever created. This isn't like Tetris where you can go “Oh, this goes there and I will win the round” and you go too far and fuck up and lose. No. Marble Madness seemed as if it was set up to make you fail and lose your shit completely. The sad thing is that I rented this game three weekends in a row from the video store. RIP Cal-Fal Video.

Insert Coin: Ikari Warriors

“The player takes the role of commando-like warriors named Ralf and Clark, who must try to reach the village of Ikari. Enemy units attempting to kill the player include tanks, enemy soldiers and helicopters. A number of power-ups along the way help the player to achieve victory. Ikari Warriors was the first popular video game to use rotary joysticks: those which could be rotated in addition to being pushed in eight directions. The game also featured two buttons, one for the standard gun and another for lobbing grenades. It allowed two players to play cooperatively, side-by-side — one of the few games to do so at the time — and to use vehicles.”

Ikari Warriors is one of those games where you hear the name and go “Oh, that game was awesome! One of the best games for the NES!” because you’re remembering it with childhood eyes. This is one of the most aggravating games ever made and almost impossible to beat unless you know that hitting A, B, B, A will bring you back to life. Otherwise, you’re not getting past the first level. 

Going by the cover you think that you’re gonna be in these deep jungles with your partner sporting your ever so deadly pink and baby blue headbands and shooting the fuck out of ninjas. 

Insert Coin: Sunset Riders

The game, which is set in a fanciful version of the American Old West, revolves around four bounty hunters who are out to claim rewards given for eliminating the most wanted outlaws in the West. At the beginning of each stage the player is shown a wanted poster, showing the criminal, the reward for stopping them, and the line “Wanted dead or alive.”

One of the best arcade games when I was younger was Sunset Riders. There was the cool ass arcade version and the one for Super Nintendo. Its about four cowboys trying to clean up the Old West by shooting anything that doesn’t wear the vibrant colors that they do. Though there are four guys with such badass names like Steve, Billy, and Bob, there’s….wait. Bob? Really? Bob? “Oh, shit! Everybody run! Bob’s here! You know Bob don‘t play that shit! Steve‘s here, too?! Start prayin‘!” Anyhoot, the coolest one by far was the world’s most dangerous Mexican, Cormano. This mofo had two shotguns!

And wore pink because fuck hiding.

Though you could use two or four players I had more fun when I played along. Its like masturbating. More than one person and things get weird and complicated. The reason its harder with more people, the game not my penis, is that the bullets are the size of baseballs. When Cormano fires his double barrels the screen looks like a damned rave.

Mindfuckery Is Afoot!

This game came out with characters from Street Fighter and Tekken a while back and there was this one chick character that I saw and was like “Whoa, that is a fresh batch of hotness right there!” Oh, shut up. I can see you reading this with your judgmental eyes at the fact that I think a cartoon character is bonable. Well, damn it I can’t help it. I grew up looking at female cartoon characters and imagining them naked. Does that make me a sick person? Quiet. Now, the thing with this character, whose name is Poison by the way, is that it is not a female. That’s right. Poison is a man, baby!

This is what happens when you don't tip.

Now how did this happen? How did we get to a place where my penis discovered it would be battling against itself knowing that it found a transvestite, or futanari, hot? Well, years ago this character debuted in Final Fight named Roxy as a hench…person. Like most old fight games gangs of prostitutes would roam the streets beating people’s asses. But when it was coming out here in the U.S they were like “Punching women is bad, right?” and said “Oh, this is not a girl. This is a trannie so it’s totally okay to pummel it.” There has been debates about this chick…dude…person since the early 90’s.

Insert Coin: Choplifter

In Choplifter, the player assumes the role of a combat helicopter pilot. The player attempts to save hostages being held in prisoner of war camps in territory ruled by the evil Bungeling Empire. The player must collect the hostages and transport them safely to the nearby friendly base, all the while fighting off hostile tanks and other enemy combatants. According to the backstory, the helicopter parts were smuggled into the country described as mail sorting equipment.

That doesn’t sound dangerous at all, huh? Having parts of a helicopter sent in, assembling the son of a bitch, and then using it to rescue people. Don’t know about you but I’d take my chances with the Bungeling Empire. They didn’t have the best security team if some dude can build a copter and fuel it enough to run rescue missions. It was a fully armed and working helicopter built right under their noses! I’m figuring that no guards ever wandered by and wondered what all the ruckus was about. “That guy crying sounds like a drill and welding tool!”

Insert Coin: Friday The 13th

“Players control one of six camp counselors (each with varying levels of speed and jumping ability) in a side-scrolling perspective. The counselors start with an arcing rock attack. The goal is to find and defeat Jason three times. Along the paths, players will find cabins, a lake, caves and wooded areas with all but the cabins having enemies such as zombies, crows, and wolves attacking the player.”

This was one of those games that failed so hard at everything it tried. Friday The 13th for Nintendo wasn’t scary, fun, or playable. My parents managed to get me some of the most obscure games when I was little. It wasn’t like I even asked for this game. I just got it. And then I played and thought “I don’t get this…”

Insert Coin: Operation Wolf

“The object of the game is to rescue the five hostages in the concentration camp. The game is divided into six stages: Communication Setup, Jungle, Village, Powder Magazine, Concentration Camp, and Airport. Completion of each stage advances the story. For example, upon completing the Jungle stage, an enemy leader is interrogated and the location of the enemy's concentration camp is found. This was one of the first shooter games to feature a storyline, and it had some similarities to real special operations missions.”

Back in the day there weren’t a lot of games that featured a real looking gun. Operation: Wolf was not that game. This one, when played at an arcade, had a real looking uzi. Oh, I wish I could play it now. Sure, it is available on the NES but who the hell really thinks that replacing a black realistic gun with a grey and orange/controller combo is cool?

Insert Coin: Marvel Nemesis Rise Of The Imperfects

"The game begins with The Thing discovering alien invaders destroying a bridge. The Thing fights his way to the end of the bridge and finds another alien that has the same strength as him. The Thing smashes him and the alien reveals they do not want the humans; they want something the humans have. The Thing fights through the city defeating every alien he can. The whole city learns of the invasion and learns that the aliens have defeated Captain America, The Punisher, and Hulk."

Some games are hard. Some games are difficult. And some games make you question humanity for making a game that is so damned unbeatable! Marvel Nemesis: Rise Of The Imperfects is such a game. While this game was fun to play in the versus mode the story mode that you had to play to unlock everything sucked!

Insert Coin: Star Wars Rogue Squadron

“Unlike the Star Wars: X-Wing computer game series that emphasizes space combat simulation, Rogue Squadron is a fast-paced, arcade-style action game. Each of the game's sixteen levels introduces mission objectives that must be completed to progress to the next level. These objectives are divided into four categories: search and destroy, reconnaissance, rescue and protect. Enemy aircraft are primarily composed of TIE fighters. Ground defenses are more varied and include three different walkers, laser and missile turrets, tanks, probe droids, shuttles, stormtroopers and speeder bikes.”

Let me start by saying that I hate Star Wars. Hate it. Not a fan of George Lucas or anything. What I do like are the characters and the weapons. The story and all that shit? Not so much. In hindsight it would’ve helped if I did like and watch the movies if I knew that the Deathstar could be taken out with one shot. For real, it took me forever to beat that level because I was lighting that shit up and it would not die! Star Wars Rogue Squadron is a cool ass game whether or not you watch the movies or like them.

Insert Coin: The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time

“The game opens as the fairy Navi awakens Link from a nightmare, in which Link witnesses a stormy night where a man in black armor on horseback chases after a girl on a white horse. Navi brings Link to the guardian of Link's village, the Great Deku Tree, who is cursed and near death. Link breaks the curse, but cannot stop the tree from withering. The Deku Tree tells Link a ‘wicked man of the desert’ has cursed him and seeks to conquer the land of Hyrule and that Link must stop him. Before dying, the Great Deku Tree gives Link the spiritual stone of the forest, the Kokiri's Emerald, and sends him to Hyrule Castle to speak with the ‘princess of destiny.’ As Link is leaving, his close friend Saria bids him good luck and gives him the Fairy Ocarina, a precursor to the Ocarina of Time.”

This was a very intense game. I sucked at it hard because it required too much thought and stuff. I’m not a thought kinda guy when it comes to games. So I had my ex say “Do this, this, and then that” and I would and kick ass. You had to get this giant guide book and also purchase an extension pack to make the game run smoothly. I also had to buy a Rumble Pack to feel the vibrations. Feel it, feel it! But sometimes I didn’t feel like saving everyone from the evil bastards around Hyrule. Sometimes I just felt like spending hours fishing. And I did!

Insert Coin: WCW/nWo Revenge

“At the time of the game's release, the Monday Night Wars were starting to go in favor of the World Wrestling Federation (WWF). Despite this WCW/nWo Revenge was generally recognized as the best wrestling game of 1998. Revenge's main competition that year was WWF War Zone by Acclaim. The Revenge grappling system is part of what ensured the game's success and popularity. The system was simple to learn and allowed for a variety of moves to be performed depending on the character.”

Screw 1998. This is still one of the best wrestling games ever created. I remember back when I first played this it seemed so damned realistic. It was the first game to feature blood. You’d hit someone in the head with a bat, chair, or trophy and they would pause, check the blood, and pass out. Some woman even screamed out loud when it happened. This was also one of the first times I played a wrestling game where people actually had most of their own real moves, not a generic move set with hopefully their real finisher. I’m looking at you Royal Rumble for Sega Genesis.

Insert Coin: Super Mario World

“After saving the Mushroom Kingdom, brothers Mario and Luigi agree to take a vacation to a place called Dinosaur Land, where there are many types of dinosaurs. However, while resting in the beach, Princess Toadstool disappears. When Mario and Luigi wake up they try to find her and, after hours of searching, come across a giant egg in the forest. It suddenly hatches and out of it comes a young dinosaur named Yoshi, who then tells them that his dinosaur friends have also been imprisoned in eggs by evil turtles. Mario and Luigi soon realize that it must be the evil King Koopa Bowser and his Koopalings.”

Next to Super Mario Bros. 3 this is my favorite Mario game. Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo was a great game. I think people forget about this one when talking about all the games not realizing that this is the game that introduced the character Yoshi. Oh, I liked him back when you just rode his goofy ass around and he didn’t learn to say his own name. Those were the good old days. He could eat enemies and spit fire. This game also had the best looking and craziest enemies. Like Bullet Bill. A big ass Bullet Bill!!!

Insert Coin: Streets Of Rage 3

“After being defeated twice, Syndicate crime boss Mr. X has started a research company called RoboCy Corporation to act as a cover for his illegal activities. The world's best roboticist, Dr. Dahm, has been brought in to help him create an army of realistic robots to replace important officials from the city. With the replacements in place, Mr. X plans to run the city using a remote control device. His criminal organization, The Syndicate, has strategically placed bombs around the city to distract the police while the city officials are dealt with. Blaze contacts her old comrades Axel Stone and Adam Hunter for a task force to bring down The Syndicate once and for all. Axel quickly joins the task force, but Adam can't make it due to his own assignments from within the police and sends his young brother, Eddie ‘Skate' Hunter instead.”

So let me get this straight. Adam, the Blacker from the first Streets Of Rage and the victim of Streets Of Rage 2 is too busy at work, so he sends his little brother whose main skill set is dancing and making strange sounds while he battles grown ass men? Whatever. It’s a good a plan as anything else these people have done. Streets Of Rage 3 sucked balls by the way. They took everything you liked about previous games and put a little extra stank on them. Child protective services did not exist in this city.

Insert Coin: Contra Hard Corps

“Set five years after the events of Contra III: The Alien Wars, an elite team of commandos called the ‘Unified Military Special Mobile Task Force K-X‘, also known as the ‘Contra Hard Corps‘, has been assembled to combat the rapid spread of crime and illegal activities following the war. When an unknown hacker infiltrates the city's security system and reprograms a group of unmanned robots to cause havoc, the Hard Corps are deployed to handle the situation. As the game progresses, the player will uncover a plot involving Colonel Bahamut, a former war hero, who seeks to overthrow the Government by developing new types of weapon using a stolen alien cell.”

My friend loaned me this game and never asked for it back in the 90’s. Free shit FTW! This game takes everything you ever loved about the original Contra game for Nintendo as a child and rapes it into a coma and then steals your Christmas presents. It wastes absolutely no time bombarding you with loud music and crazy ass explosions. I’m not kidding. The game starts off with you riding a truck the size of a building that crashes into the screen and you jump off of and immediately start killing things. I don’t even know why they’re bothering to save anything. The entire world is on fire.

Insert Coin: Goldeneye

“GoldenEye 007 is a first-person shooter video game developed by Rare and based on the 1995 James Bond film GoldenEye. It was published by Nintendo and was exclusively released for the Nintendo 64 video game console in August 1997. The game features a single player campaign in which players assume the role of British Secret Intelligence Service agent James Bond as he fights to prevent a criminal syndicate from using a satellite weapon to cause a global financial meltdown, and a split-screen multiplayer mode for up to four players.”

"Then maybe you shouldn't be heeeeeere!!!"

Dun-dun! Dun! Dun-dun! Dun! Dun-dun-dun-dun! As soon as I hear that I have flashbacks of playing Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 for hours at a time. I first saw it at a party with about ten people surrounding the screen and shouting at each other. Watching actually made me feel sick so I didn’t even want to play it. Then of course I got sucked into it and feel in love with it. You can play by yourself (which is only fun if you have cheat modes on) or against three other people. There’s nothing like chasing a bunch of people around a temple of laboratory and firing at them with an assault rifle and laughing like a jackass. This game is the party killer.

Insert Coin: Super Smash Bros.

“Eight characters are playable from the beginning of the game: Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, and Pikachu. Four more characters can then be unlocked by completing different aspects of the game: Luigi, Captain Falcon, Ness and Jigglypuff.”

You know why I loved this game so much? Captain Falcon. He is one of the few characters in this game that doesn’t shoot something but its not like he even needs to. One Falcon Punch or Falcon Kick followed by “Yes!” and you’re good to go. Super Smash Brothers on the Nintendo 64 was/is one of my favorite games to play. Yeah, I still own and play this game every month or so. If I’m feeling extra speecy spicy I’ll put it on extra hard and then get mad when I have to fight Yoshi Team. Those guys are assholes. You have to beat twenty of these jerks and the whole time they make those annoying Yoshi sounds. So there’s nothing better than killing three of them at a time.

Insert Coin: Dig Dug

“The objective of Dig Dug is to eliminate underground-dwelling monsters by inflating them until they pop, or by dropping rocks on them. There are two kinds of enemies in the game. Pookas, round red monsters who wear yellow goggles, and Fygars, green dragons who can breathe fire. The player's character is Dig Dug, dressed in white and blue, and able to dig tunnels through destructible environments. Dig Dug is killed if he is caught by either Pooka or Fygar, burned by a Fygar's fire, or crushed by a rock. If left partially inflated, the monster will deflate and recover after a few seconds, and the player can also pass through the enemy while it is deflating.”

Pump. Pump, pump it up!

I can imagine what the War Room for this mission sounded like. “Dig Dug, there are dangerous monsters in gaudy jumpsuits and fire breathing dragons digging tunnels and its up to you to stop them! Huh? Your weapons? Here you go. Yes, that is a inflator. Use it? Well, you shoot it with a harpoon and then pump your chubby little arms until it explodes.” Dig Dug had to have written a will as soon as he got this deal. If I were him I would’ve been like “So let me get this straight. I have to fight monsters underground and the only thing I have to fight them with is something used to fix tires? And I don’t see anyone else here so I think its safe to assume that I’ll be doing this alone.” Its just you in your punk ass tracksuit fighting Cthulhu in the deepest parts of the planet.

Insert Coin: Super Mario Bros. 2

“Super Mario Bros. 2 is set in the dream-land known as Subcon. Mario's task is to free Subcon from Wart, the game's final boss. The game is a side-scrolling platform game. At the beginning of each stage, the player is given a choice of four protagonists to control: Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Peach. Each character has different strengths; Mario is a well-rounded character; Luigi can jump the highest of the four; Toad can run and pluck vegetables the fastest but can't jump well; and Peach can jump the farthest, due to her ability to hover for a short time, though she is the slowest runner and slowest at plucking items from the ground. All characters have the ability to increase the height of their jump by ducking briefly before they jump.”

Hey, do you remember the good times you had playing Super Mario Bros.? Smashing bricks with your head and going down pipes to collect coins? Jumping on turtles and mushrooms? Fighting the evil King Koopa to save the Princess? Yeah, well fuck your memories. Super Mario 2 took everything you liked about the Mario series and left it in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day. I hated this game and when people say they loved it I question all of their life decisions. Make sure you get enough cherries to replenish yourself, Mario!

Insert Coin: Sonic the Hedgehog

“Sonic the Hedgehog is a blue hedgehog who lives on South Island with his animal friends. He encounters an evil scientist named Doctor Ivo Robotnik. Dr. Robotnik seeks to obtain the powerful Chaos Emeralds so that he can take over the world, and sets about transforming animals into robots to serve his ends. Realizing Dr. Robotnik evil ambitions, Sonic pursues him through several of the world's ‘Zones’ before eventually defeating him in Scrap Brain Zone.”

I shit you not. This is the only cartoon character in the world that I can draw from memory. Sonic The Hedgehog was Sega’s version of Mario for Nintendo. Games seemed so much slower after playing Sonic. This tweaked out woodland creature (they do live in the woods, right?) was so fast that he made other games seem ridiculously slow by comparison. He had only one setting: Shit Ya Draws. What else can you do when a level looks like this?