Insert Coin: Streets Of Rage 3

“After being defeated twice, Syndicate crime boss Mr. X has started a research company called RoboCy Corporation to act as a cover for his illegal activities. The world's best roboticist, Dr. Dahm, has been brought in to help him create an army of realistic robots to replace important officials from the city. With the replacements in place, Mr. X plans to run the city using a remote control device. His criminal organization, The Syndicate, has strategically placed bombs around the city to distract the police while the city officials are dealt with. Blaze contacts her old comrades Axel Stone and Adam Hunter for a task force to bring down The Syndicate once and for all. Axel quickly joins the task force, but Adam can't make it due to his own assignments from within the police and sends his young brother, Eddie ‘Skate' Hunter instead.”

So let me get this straight. Adam, the Blacker from the first Streets Of Rage and the victim of Streets Of Rage 2 is too busy at work, so he sends his little brother whose main skill set is dancing and making strange sounds while he battles grown ass men? Whatever. It’s a good a plan as anything else these people have done. Streets Of Rage 3 sucked balls by the way. They took everything you liked about previous games and put a little extra stank on them. Child protective services did not exist in this city.

Insert Coin: Contra Hard Corps

“Set five years after the events of Contra III: The Alien Wars, an elite team of commandos called the ‘Unified Military Special Mobile Task Force K-X‘, also known as the ‘Contra Hard Corps‘, has been assembled to combat the rapid spread of crime and illegal activities following the war. When an unknown hacker infiltrates the city's security system and reprograms a group of unmanned robots to cause havoc, the Hard Corps are deployed to handle the situation. As the game progresses, the player will uncover a plot involving Colonel Bahamut, a former war hero, who seeks to overthrow the Government by developing new types of weapon using a stolen alien cell.”

My friend loaned me this game and never asked for it back in the 90’s. Free shit FTW! This game takes everything you ever loved about the original Contra game for Nintendo as a child and rapes it into a coma and then steals your Christmas presents. It wastes absolutely no time bombarding you with loud music and crazy ass explosions. I’m not kidding. The game starts off with you riding a truck the size of a building that crashes into the screen and you jump off of and immediately start killing things. I don’t even know why they’re bothering to save anything. The entire world is on fire.

Insert Coin: Sonic the Hedgehog

“Sonic the Hedgehog is a blue hedgehog who lives on South Island with his animal friends. He encounters an evil scientist named Doctor Ivo Robotnik. Dr. Robotnik seeks to obtain the powerful Chaos Emeralds so that he can take over the world, and sets about transforming animals into robots to serve his ends. Realizing Dr. Robotnik evil ambitions, Sonic pursues him through several of the world's ‘Zones’ before eventually defeating him in Scrap Brain Zone.”

I shit you not. This is the only cartoon character in the world that I can draw from memory. Sonic The Hedgehog was Sega’s version of Mario for Nintendo. Games seemed so much slower after playing Sonic. This tweaked out woodland creature (they do live in the woods, right?) was so fast that he made other games seem ridiculously slow by comparison. He had only one setting: Shit Ya Draws. What else can you do when a level looks like this?

Insert Coin: X-Men

“The game takes place in the Danger Room, a training area for the X-Men inside the X-Mansion. A virus transmitted via satellite has infected the Danger Room, disabling control and safety limits. The X-Men must endure the unpredictable behavior of the Danger Room until the virus can be located and eliminated. Once the virus is eliminated, the X-Men discover that Magneto is behind the computer virus and the final stage involves a battle with him.”

This game was so badass. I had seen the X-Men cartoon (the old one that wasn’t on Fox Saturday mornings) and read about the characters in Wizard magazine but did not own a single damn issue of the comics. I knew which ones I liked though. I wanted to cut some shit using Wolverine. I wanted to charge up some playing cards and wreck shit as Gambit. I wanted to, uh, appear a few feet away as Nightcrawler. Cyclops? Whatever. He’s always lame. Laser eyes? Get that shit out of here.

Insert Coin: Golden Axe 2

“The three playable characters from the first Golden Axe, Ax Battler, Tyris Flare, and Gilius Thunderhead, return in Golden Axe II to save the people of the land by defeating the new evil clan, led by Dark Guld, and reclaim the Golden Axe, which is in his possession. The game features a total of seven levels: six scrolling levels and a final end of game boss battle against Dark Guld.”

I wasted so much money playing Golden Axe 2 at the arcade before finally getting it on Sega Genesis and dominating the hell out of it. I mean I beat the hell out of this game. Hours spent playing a game that until I started this article I never knew what these characters names were. I usually referred to them as The Guy, The Lady, and The Midget. Funny how the barbarian guy is named Ax but the goofy bastard uses a sword. Apparently he decided to rebel against his parents. Kinda like a guy named Jeeves racing NASCAR. I cant talk to much crap. He saves lives.

He wants to hear your lamentations. 

Insert Coin: Streets Of Rage 2

“A year has passed since the events of Streets of Rage. To celebrate the defeat of the mysterious ‘Mr. X’ and his syndicate the previous year, Adam Hunter, Axel Stone, and Blaze Fielding met at their favorite nightspot in the city and spent their time reminiscing about their vigilante crusade against ‘Mr. X’ and his organization. Axel and Blaze had moved out of the city after the adventure from last year. Axel has begun working as a part-time bodyguard and Blaze teaches dance classes. Adam has since rejoined the police force and lives in a small house with his younger brother.”

Let’s forget that the big guy Max looks nothing like the character in the game, okay? I’m gonna talk about Streets Of Rage 2. Yes, I am skipping past part 1 because part 1 sucked. It was fun punching people in the face and all but the characters special move was that no matter where you were be it park or office building when you used your special move a goddamn police car would come out of nowhere and unleash a unholy rain of fire down on your enemies.

Woop! Woop! That’s the sound of da police!

                                  

Insert Coin: Altered Beast

                                                       “Rise from your grave!!!”

I know I always talk about how awesome the NES was but its about time I show some love to the Sega Genesis and one of my favorite games Altered Beast. This game was really fun and you got to be these buff ass guys who, uh, ran around almost butt ass booty naked and punching shit. This is the story.

“A Roman centurion who had died in battle is resurrected from the dead by Zeus, who ordered the warrior to save his daughter, Athena, from a Demon God called Neff in the Underworld. To become able to withstand the perils, the warrior gets the ability to absorb spirit balls who turn him into an Altered Beast, a part animal, part human creature of formidable force. Between each level are small animations giving the player glimpses of Athena's peril.”