Insert Coin: Golden Axe 2

“The three playable characters from the first Golden Axe, Ax Battler, Tyris Flare, and Gilius Thunderhead, return in Golden Axe II to save the people of the land by defeating the new evil clan, led by Dark Guld, and reclaim the Golden Axe, which is in his possession. The game features a total of seven levels: six scrolling levels and a final end of game boss battle against Dark Guld.”

I wasted so much money playing Golden Axe 2 at the arcade before finally getting it on Sega Genesis and dominating the hell out of it. I mean I beat the hell out of this game. Hours spent playing a game that until I started this article I never knew what these characters names were. I usually referred to them as The Guy, The Lady, and The Midget. Funny how the barbarian guy is named Ax but the goofy bastard uses a sword. Apparently he decided to rebel against his parents. Kinda like a guy named Jeeves racing NASCAR. I cant talk to much crap. He saves lives.

He wants to hear your lamentations. 

The midget…uh, dwarf. Oh, I am not a PC person at all. The People Nugget was my favorite one to use. He was shorter than everyone in the game and would snatch their asses and bonk them on the head. In the first game he used lightning which is a cool power. But if someone wants to be an ass they can just say the gods struck them with lightning. Okay. I’ll just be over here looking at the sky…boulders! All in your face with the boulders!

Spin-off to Little People Big World: Violent Midgets!

The lady was cool because she had fire power. Your power level grew based on how many potions you gathered. You could only get a certain amount of them but once she was fully charged the screen would go dark, which I assume scared the shit out of her friends if they weren’t paying attention, and a big ass dragon would come out the sky and make everything Cajun.

The response to "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

Speaking of those potions, there were levels in between levels where while they were sleeping these bitch ass troll gnome things would come and steal your shit. There you are trying to defeat this evil plaguing the land and these jerks have the nerve to steal from you. It felt good to kick their gnomie asses. Until your potionless friend stole your potions from you.

"Catch me, Lord, catch me!"