Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Kim Kardashian is still trying to convince the world that she was really in love with Kris Humphries. He allegedly wants her to pay for his lawyer fees. Oh, that would rule so much ass if it happened. He's all like "Fuck you, pay me!" and she's like "No..."
Comedian Patrice O’Neal recently passed away. If you don’t know him check out his standup. He was one of the funniest of all time.
Mariah Yeater who claimed she was knocked up by Justin Bieber is pissed that the actual father, her ex boyfriend, blew the whistle on her dumb ass and is about to get that long paper from doing interviews.
Charlie Sheen is in talks to star in a movie with Nic Cage. God help us all…
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
“Eight characters are playable from the beginning of the game: Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, and Pikachu. Four more characters can then be unlocked by completing different aspects of the game: Luigi, Captain Falcon, Ness and Jigglypuff.”
Monday, November 28, 2011
“I came to act because I wanted to do lovely period dramas. Very Jane Austen. But I guess I have become more of an action girl. I have no complaints!” Summer Glau
“My problem is that people get intimidated by someone big and beautiful like me. They hate to think I can be smart as well.” Dolph Lundgren
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Jennifer Lopez and her new toy Casper Smart were photographed getting all snuggly. Wait. Is his name actually Casper? Parents can be so mean.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes are still dating. Penises are being flown at a tentative half staff since he is a total manwhore and will dump her any moment now.
Britney Spears may be getting married again. Stop that. I don’t know who I’m asking but someone needs to stop this.
Miley Cyrus is supporting Occupy Wallstreet. Another reason to hate both. Apparently she made a song which is probably cool because once they play it people will go away.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Last night I watched the 2010 movie Tangled for the first time. Some of my friends know that I am a hater of technology, specifically computers that have replaced people putting pencil to paper and drawing by hand. The last CGI movie I thoroughly enjoyed was The Incredibles. Damn, that was good. So I was hesitant to watch tangled, especially since Disney has been putting out pretty crap films for years now. I decided to give this a try though. So glad I did.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
The crazy Mariah Yeater broad that said (past tense) that Justin Bieber was her baby’s daddy is in hiding after he ponied up his DNA for the paternity test. How long till that same DNA is on Ebay?
Wesley Snipes owes American Express almost $30,000. “Wait your turn!” the IRS said.
Mila Kunis went to the Marine Ball as she promised. Now can we stop with this asking celebrities out bullshit?! Yeah, I get it, you’re in the military and blah blah blah. But stop. Betty White of all people has been the only one to say no. But that was because the dude was a Blacker.
I knew I’d get the Lohan name on here somehow. Kate Major, the goofy dame who dated Michael Lohan, has checked herself into rehab. Then she’ll probably relapse and try to get on one of Dr. Drew’s hundred shows. “You’re probably right…” Common Sense said.
Monday, November 21, 2011
In my never ending quest to ensure I get to cut in line when I arrive in Hell, I decided to make a list of the Hot Daughters Of Celebrities. There were way more to find than I thought there would be. Some really unattractive actors have really cute daughters. A few that didn’t quite make my list were Liv Tyler, Mick Jagger’s daughter, and Clint Eastwood’s daughter. But I still have more than enough fap leftover. This Fap File is one for the ages.
“The objective of Dig Dug is to eliminate underground-dwelling monsters by inflating them until they pop, or by dropping rocks on them. There are two kinds of enemies in the game. Pookas, round red monsters who wear yellow goggles, and Fygars, green dragons who can breathe fire. The player's character is Dig Dug, dressed in white and blue, and able to dig tunnels through destructible environments. Dig Dug is killed if he is caught by either Pooka or Fygar, burned by a Fygar's fire, or crushed by a rock. If left partially inflated, the monster will deflate and recover after a few seconds, and the player can also pass through the enemy while it is deflating.”
|Pump. Pump, pump it up!|
“When I first came into this sport I was looking around for somebody who had come in before me and had paved the way, and I just didn’t see it at that time. I figured I would do it how I wanted to do it.” Gina Carano
“Alright you primitive screw heads, listen up. See this? This…is my boomstick!!!” Ash Army Of Darkness
Sunday, November 20, 2011
In this Rant Zone I cover this weekends Top 10 Movies at the box office, Abduction, Batman: Year One, Immortals, a movie being made from the video game Rampage, a Six Million Dollar Man movie, Sharon Stone in Lovelace, the new Akira movie, a Woody Woodpecker movie, and a live action Popeye. Click here to get your rant on!
Friday, November 18, 2011
To be taken into space by some rogue alien and flying their ship or switching bodies with an adult. This movie took away something from me that I thought was the number one best thing about the 80’s: The chance to be locked inside a mall all night and free to do whatever the hell I wanted! Dreams were shattered once I watched Chopping Mall aka Killbots. These evil ass robots would make Johnny 5 from Short Circuit shit his robot guts.
The janitor deserved to die. He was a dick and he didn’t seem to enjoy his job anyway. The robots did him a favor. They also kill the dude that is supposed to be taking care of the robots. So now you have crazy killbots on the lose in a mall. No problem.
One of many goofy things about this movie is the inconsistency of the robots lasers. Sometimes they zap you and its like “Ow, my Jordache Jeans!” and other times its “Hey, remember when I had a head?” I love the fact that one of these goobers works in the mall and he didn’t know that fucking Terminators were watching the place at night. Now look. Hot chick ain’t got no head. And that’s like the third best part of a woman.
The mall is full of weapon store and all kinds of flammable crap. I have a hard time even finding where to pay for parking validation. But back in the 80’s you could go to the mall and come home with fuel, flares, and a new Member’s Only jacket.
They kill the final robot with explosives after they figured its treads couldn’t go on slippery material. So a company, likely Skynet, creates robots that can shoot lasers to patrol a mall at night but its hampered by slippery floors? Okay. Remind me to never make a machine that has the same weaknesses as an elderly woman.
Mr. Soot dared me and even offered to buy me a ticket. I declined. But after much soul searching (and large amounts of whiskey) I decided to watch this nonsense. Its as bad as you’d think. Now I already know that there are some people reading this and saying “Dante, you have amazing legs. How do you do it?” or “This movie isn’t even aimed at your demographic of 30-something year old Black dudes with amazing legs, so of course you wouldn’t like it.” To which I’ll reply “Bad knows no demographic!” I’ll walk you through this nonsense.
I was sitting at home minding my business when I got a disturbing phone call. While handling one situation another started. Watch and see what happens when I answer my phone.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
“Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. And sometimes I share it…with someone like you.” - Batman
When you sit down for a moment and think about it, Batman is a creepy ass character. The look. The voice. The fact that he only comes out at night. There is nothing about the guy that is kid friendly. He’s not gonna climb a tree to save a cat. He’s more likely to stare it down. But surprisingly, Batman: Year One is not just the story of Batman. Its also about Commissioner James Gordon and Selina Kyle aka Catwoman.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Mariah Yeater the cray-cray girl who said Justin Bieber got her pregnant has stopped trying to get him to take a paternity case. But his lawyers are like “Oh, hell naw!” I hope they lock her dumb ass up. I know the jails in Canada are made of toilet paper but still.
Bradley Cooper was voted Sexiest Man Alive. Can he go away now? Please?
Selena Gomez’s dog ate a bunch of rocks. Not crack. For reals rocks. I understand not wanting to be around when Justin Bieber visits, but come on, puppy. It gets better.
Jennifer Lopez has a new 24 year old boyfriend. He’s her background dancer. Goddamn this woman. She just needs to never fall in love ever again.
I cant even begin to cover this movie like a normal movie review. If you heard my latest The Rant Zone podcast you know that I was super excited to see this movie. When I first saw the trailer for it I didn’t care whether or not the plot made sense of if the acting was terrible. I just wanted to see some slow motion fighting and lots of swords cutting folks heads off. Yeah, I did get that but mixed in with a whole lotta nonsense I didn’t want.
|Superman finally lost his shit.|
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
In this Rant Zone I cover the Top 10 Movies at the box office, another damn Howard Hughes film, a Lego movie of all things, more Oldboy remake news, a Dr. Who movie being developed, and Brad Pitt retiring from acting. Click here to get your rant on!
Monday, November 14, 2011
“Super Mario Bros. 3 is a two-dimensional platform game in which the player controls the on-screen protagonist (either Mario or Luigi) from a third-person perspective. In addition to the running and jumping moves found in past games, the player can fly and float with the aid of the tanooki suit or the racoon suit. Super Mario Bros. 3 is set after the events of previous games. Mario and Luigi embark on a mission on behalf of Princess Toadstool to stop Bowser and his children—the Koopalings—from terrorizing the kings of seven regions in the Mushroom World. The Koopalings stole the kings' magic wands and transformed them into animals.”
Mario Bros. 2 but it actually had elements of the original Mario Bros. game. There was just so much stuff in this game that made it ridiculously fun to play. You could get a little frog suit to swim in which was way better than using your regular punk ass arms and legs like in the first game. You could get a raccoon outfit that when you ran really fast you started flying in the air and wiggling your tail. Oh, it was so cute! Uh, I mean it was totally fucking bad ass. Yeah. Vagina rules! I’m gonna go punch a bear in the cock and dropkick a zebra! Sorry. Had to claim my manhood back.