Theater Whore: Abduction

I did it. Mr. Soot dared me and even offered to buy me a ticket. I declined. But after much soul searching (and large amounts of whiskey) I decided to watch this nonsense. Its as bad as you’d think. Now I already know that there are some people reading this and saying “Dante, you have amazing legs. How do you do it?” or “This movie isn’t even aimed at your demographic of 30-something year old Black dudes with amazing legs, so of course you wouldn’t like it.” To which I’ll reply “Bad knows no demographic!” I’ll walk you through this nonsense.

The movie starts off with Taylor Lautner (Twilight, Sharkboy And Lavagirl, Cheaper By The Dozen 2) as Nathan riding on the hood of his friends car while heading to a party to get drunk. These are high school kids by the way. He wakes up on the lawn with no shirt on and his dad shows up and brings him home to spar with him until he pukes. Let me point out that this movie uses any excuse to get this boy out of his clothes. “Breakfast is ready!” Shirt off. “You are failing school!” Shirt off. “Murder!!!” Shirt off. He likes this girl Lily Collins (Priest, The Blind Side) who plays Karen aka Eyebrows. Seriously, you could slice steel with this girls eyebrows. She seems like a bitch and ends up partnering with Nathan to do a report about missing kids. In a few minutes they find his picture.

After doing more research meaning having his Black friend played by Denzel Whitaker (Training Day, Warrior) do all the work they discover that the baby photos have been doctored. Nathan goes home and finds out that his parents are not really his parents. Minutes later they are murdered and he and Eyebrows get away. Sigourney Weaver (Alien, Avatar, The Ice Storm) is Nathan’s therapist as Dr. Bennett but it turns out that she works for the CIA. Oh, I forgot to mention that Nathan has anger issues. They jump out of a moving car with Eyebrows screaming and breathing hard the whole time. When Ripley tells Team Jacob to get rid of the girl I was like “Best idea ever!” His parents are dead, his life is in danger, and she's all "Why didn't you date me in junior high?" Fragamacrunch!!!

Alfred Molina (Spiderman 2, Rango, Frida) is Burton who says he wants to help Nathan. I feel so bad for him and Weaver having to be in this movie. So Doc Ock after a whole lot of nonsense and a lot of people getting killed he convinces Nathan to join him by offering him a goddamn burger. Then more people get killed. Come on now! Nathan and Eyebrows get away and they decide to meet up with the main killer who is a Russian dude. What is this? 1965? So they meet at a Pittsburg Pirates game. Seems like a great idea. So they meet and for no reason Nathan stands during a conversation allowing the Russian to get a gun that was placed under the seat for god knows what reason! Who put that gun there?! Jay-zus?! So the bad guy gets it and Nathan gets away and the bad guy gets shot and dies. Nathan’s real father saves him, Doctor Octopus gets caught for being bad, Ripley will have Nathan live with her, Nathan gets the girl, and Nathan’s father talks to him on the phone. Happy ending for the win!

Believe it or not John Singleton directed this shit. This is the same man that directed Boyz N The Hood, Poetic Justice, and Higher Learning. I don’t know what photos they have of him or what he was fucking in them but it couldn’t have been worth this. Oh, and back to what I said earlier about this film not being in my demographic. This movie is violent as fuck and full of cursing. Lots of times cursing for fucking no goddamn reason and shit…asshole. So this is not for teens. The story is so damn stupid it cant be for adults. So who was this for? Nobody. Because it tanked at the theaters. It turns out that unless Taylor Lautner is turning into a wolf and chasing chicks that aren’t hot I don’t wanna see him on film.