Insert Coin: Super Mario Bros. 2

“Super Mario Bros. 2 is set in the dream-land known as Subcon. Mario's task is to free Subcon from Wart, the game's final boss. The game is a side-scrolling platform game. At the beginning of each stage, the player is given a choice of four protagonists to control: Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Peach. Each character has different strengths; Mario is a well-rounded character; Luigi can jump the highest of the four; Toad can run and pluck vegetables the fastest but can't jump well; and Peach can jump the farthest, due to her ability to hover for a short time, though she is the slowest runner and slowest at plucking items from the ground. All characters have the ability to increase the height of their jump by ducking briefly before they jump.”

Hey, do you remember the good times you had playing Super Mario Bros.? Smashing bricks with your head and going down pipes to collect coins? Jumping on turtles and mushrooms? Fighting the evil King Koopa to save the Princess? Yeah, well fuck your memories. Super Mario 2 took everything you liked about the Mario series and left it in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day. I hated this game and when people say they loved it I question all of their life decisions. Make sure you get enough cherries to replenish yourself, Mario!

This makes sense to no one. 

One cool thing about this game was that you got to pick different characters. You could use Mario who was like the Ryu of the game; good all around. You could pick Luigi (Lord knows why you would) who jumped super high but was un-fucking-controllable. Peach aka Princess who was weak as shit but could fly. There wasn’t a kid that played this that didn’t say “Jordan!” when flying with her. And my favorite, Toad. Instead of being the poor bastard that just waited to give you bad news he was the fastest and strongest. Who cares he had less of a vertical leap than me? He ruled hard!

One of many bad decisions you can make.

The game got rid of turtles and mushrooms and replaced them with Klansmen. This spooky little bastards don’t even attack you. They just bump into you causing you to lose energy. Yeah, I said energy. You get these little diamonds on the side of the screen that can be replenished by grabbing fruit. You usually get these red potions to travel through the magic door and enter a dream world. Hey, at least they give you a magic carpet to use, huh?

"This is-a bull-a shit!"

The levels are hard to the point of making you want to put your face through the screen. If the game itself didn’t drive you mad the goddamn old timey music would. “Do-do-do-do-dodo-do-do-do-dodo!” Shut it! Oh, god. Its in my head now. There’s an ice level where at first its fun to play like, “Hahaha! Look! I cant control myself!” After dying for the 10th time I was like “I’m gonna find out who created this game and box their ears.” There’s nothing like sliding all over the screen while cannon riding ghost men shot flames at you while living snowballs chased you. That happens!

Proof!!!

After a whole lot of nonsense you finally get to fight Wart, the cause of all the bullshit you had to go through. Faces chasing you, bomb throwing rats, quicksand, and Plague mask wearing birds. You beat this fat tub of goo and instead of getting some alone time with Peach or even getting to go to your normal life, you get something that makes you want to punch yourself in the genitals. I know it was cool in TV shows and movies in the 80's to do some crap like this but after playing a hard ass game for them to have this happen it was like someone spitting in your face and then kicking you in the neck.

Fragamacrunch!!!