Insert Coin: Ikari Warriors

“The player takes the role of commando-like warriors named Ralf and Clark, who must try to reach the village of Ikari. Enemy units attempting to kill the player include tanks, enemy soldiers and helicopters. A number of power-ups along the way help the player to achieve victory. Ikari Warriors was the first popular video game to use rotary joysticks: those which could be rotated in addition to being pushed in eight directions. The game also featured two buttons, one for the standard gun and another for lobbing grenades. It allowed two players to play cooperatively, side-by-side — one of the few games to do so at the time — and to use vehicles.”

Ikari Warriors is one of those games where you hear the name and go “Oh, that game was awesome! One of the best games for the NES!” because you’re remembering it with childhood eyes. This is one of the most aggravating games ever made and almost impossible to beat unless you know that hitting A, B, B, A will bring you back to life. Otherwise, you’re not getting past the first level. 

Going by the cover you think that you’re gonna be in these deep jungles with your partner sporting your ever so deadly pink and baby blue headbands and shooting the fuck out of ninjas. 

Insert Coin: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

“This was the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game, and is based on the 1987 TV series, which was in its third season at the time of the game's original release, although the art style more resembles the original comic series. The game was ported to various home computer platforms in 1990.” 

Back when I was around 10 I was all about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I watched the cartoon, I had the toys, and you better believe I played the videos games. At the arcade you could play as either Michelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, or Leonardo. I always picked Raphael because he was the coolest one. Oh, you don’t think so? Who’s better? Yeah. That’s what I thought. No one. The best thing about this was that you could play with all four of the turtles at the same time!

These four creatures come to save you the window becomes the safest option.

This came out the same year as NES released theirs. Now, I was excited as all get out to play this at home after I borrowed it from someone because my mother wasn’t even trying to buy me this shit for myself. Popped the game in and was kind of surprised at the graphics. Not in a good way.

Insert Coin: Super Mario Bros. 2

“Super Mario Bros. 2 is set in the dream-land known as Subcon. Mario's task is to free Subcon from Wart, the game's final boss. The game is a side-scrolling platform game. At the beginning of each stage, the player is given a choice of four protagonists to control: Mario, Luigi, Toad, and Princess Peach. Each character has different strengths; Mario is a well-rounded character; Luigi can jump the highest of the four; Toad can run and pluck vegetables the fastest but can't jump well; and Peach can jump the farthest, due to her ability to hover for a short time, though she is the slowest runner and slowest at plucking items from the ground. All characters have the ability to increase the height of their jump by ducking briefly before they jump.”

Hey, do you remember the good times you had playing Super Mario Bros.? Smashing bricks with your head and going down pipes to collect coins? Jumping on turtles and mushrooms? Fighting the evil King Koopa to save the Princess? Yeah, well fuck your memories. Super Mario 2 took everything you liked about the Mario series and left it in the car with the windows rolled up on a hot day. I hated this game and when people say they loved it I question all of their life decisions. Make sure you get enough cherries to replenish yourself, Mario!

Insert Coin: Paperboy

I loved Paperboy when I was little. Though it was hard as hell it was still way fun to ride your little bike around a nice looking neighborhood doing what every kid that wanted to earn an honest buck in the 1800’s wanted to do. Deliver newspapers. Oh. And. Fuck. Shit. Up.

                                           
“The player controls a paperboy on a bicycle delivering newspapers along a suburban street which is displayed in a cabinet perspective view. The player attempts to deliver a week of daily newspapers to subscribing customers, attempts to vandalize non-subscribers' homes and must avoid hazards along the street. Subscribers are lost by missing a delivery or damaging a subscriber's house.”

Insert Coin: Kung Fu

“The player takes the role of Keiji Thomas, a man in a Keikogi and slippers. Thomas's girlfriend, Sylvia, has been kidnapped by ‘Mr. X‘, and Thomas must fight through five side-scrolling floors full of enemies to rescue her.”

If you ever want to know what Mr. X sounds like I can do a great impersonation of him. The bastard can be heard laughing every time you die. I swear if when people died in real life sounded like it did in this game no matter how tragic the death you wouldn’t be able to help but laugh. A loud ass “Boing!!!” and you freeze up like a dead roach.

Insert Coin: Contra

Back on the NES if you did not have Contra you were a sad sack. Besides Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, or Zelda this was the one game you abso-fucking-lutely had to own. Otherwise kids would chase you home from school and straight into your Contra-less life. I mean, who could ask for better role models than these two guys?

Contra is a game about, uh, I’m not sure actually. I should probably do a little bit of research before I decide to start writing articles about shit.

Insert Coin: Nintendo Entertainment System

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