Friday, August 26, 2011

Insert Coin: Contra

Back on the NES if you did not have Contra you were a sad sack. Besides Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, or Zelda this was the one game you abso-fucking-lutely had to own. Otherwise kids would chase you home from school and straight into your Contra-less life. I mean, who could ask for better role models than these two guys?

Contra is a game about, uh, I’m not sure actually. I should probably do a little bit of research before I decide to start writing articles about shit.

"In Contra, the player controls one of two armed military commandos named Bill "Mad Dog" Rizer and Lance "Scorpion" Bean, who are sent on a mission to neutralize a terrorist group called the Red Falcon Organization that is planning to take over the Earth. The American storyline also changes the identity of "Red Falcon" from being the name of a terrorist organization to the name of an alien entity."

                                            Mad Dog & Scorpion to the rescue!

When aliens are attacking the planet I too believe that instead of sending, lets say, a militia or an army that two guys with obvious anger issues are just fine. We fight aliens all the time. Why bother wasting taxpayer dollars when cigar chomping psychopaths will do it just for the chance to blow shit the fuck up?

                                   “You go left I go right, just like last week!”

Contra was also special for the fact that if a friend died, meaning they fucked around doing too many cannonball flips and got shot and killed they could just use (meaning steal!) one of your men and “help” you continue the good fight. Or die immediately as you were now one man short and fighting your way through a jungle while robot guns shot at you and aliens who had no other joy in life besides raping your red and blue clad ass ran you down. And we cant forget the “Contra Code” (Konami Code).

                                            “Up, Up, Down, Down…Fap!”

I could have sat here like a dick and typed out the code but that picture is way better. I could also be a real asshole and point out that she used a code made famous by the NES and not Gameboy like she has on his skin for life. By using that code on the menu screen you could—seriously, this chick has that tattooed on her body. It doesn’t even matter what her face looks like. Just the mere fact that she knows enough about Contra to get that shit tattooed on her body makes her better than 80% of the population.

When that code was entered you would have not 3 men like when you started. You had 99 fucking men. You could die 98 times and still have the chance to save humanity! Yet I never did. I have never beat this hard fucking game. This was one of the hardest video games ever created. I would sit there and by the 60th death just get mad and look at the Nintendo. And everyone knows that when you look Nintendo in the eyes it gets skiddish and turns off.

1 comment:

Njeri said...

I can't believe she tattooed that code on her body. She could've made that smaller and had it placed on her wrist, minus the Game Boy.

Fun read. Reminds me of how awesome home video games used to be. They truly got you engrossed, even when most of what you were viewing on your monitor was pixilated or jumpy.