Theater Whore: Conan The Barbarian

Now this is what’s called a shitty film. Is it shitty because of the acting? The effects? The dialogue? The directing? Yes to everything above. This was pretty bad all around. A lot of people have to defend themselves against not liking this by saying that they weren’t huge fans of the Arnold versions. I hold no special place in my heart for the old movie or the comics. I liked the cartoon though.

What the movie doesn’t make up for in what is bad it does with lots of Conan screaming orders. “Hey!” Yeah, that’s about it. The actor playing him, Jason Momoa (Baywatch Hawaii, Game Of Thrones, Stargate: Atlantis) is a living mannequin. There is nothing special about what he brings except the fact that he looks the part. He’s actually the least terrifying person in the movie. He was scarier at 12. Speaking of which…

If the movie was about him as a kid being the crazy ass sociopath that he is I would have enjoyed it. Seriously, he was the type of child you enrolled in karate class after school to get out some of that pent up energy only for him to join Cobra Kai. He kills five dudes and chops their heads off without cracking an egg in his mouth. That occurs. That is not me making a joke.
                                         

They never die. Or so I hear.

When thy say Conan was born in battle they are not joking. He was for reals born on the battlefield. Surrounded by invaders his mother and father fought even as she was busy trying to keep his crazy ass inside of her body. Eventually she is overcome with labor pains (women…) and has to give birth. This is how it went down.

Father: “I’m gonna cut it out of you!”

Mother: “Okay!”

Father: “Look into my eyes as I blindly slice into you as if I’ve done this a thousand times!”

Mother: “Okay! Ow!”

Father: “We are barbarians! Pain pain pain!”

Mother: “Let me hold my baby!”

Father: “Name him!”

Mother: “Conan!”

Father: “Aah!”

Mother: “…” (because she dead)

This movie should have been good. Its about a buff ass dude riding around on a horse and cutting things. I’ve had drunken pisses that were more exciting than this. That’s mostly because my drunken pisses involve dragons and laser guns.

                 

Shouldn't have had that last shot.

The special effects are like in 300. I liked 300, but ever since then people have been using the fake blood effect. Badly. Someone gets sliced and suddenly you’re in the middle of a color splash effect on Photobucket. Oh, and there’s this one dude who is like Wile E. Coyote incarnate. I swear there are close to four times he should be dead and he isn’t. The final battle is very anticlimactic. The rumbling mountain knows just when to stop rumbling and when to start. Come on, now…

Fuck this film for being exactly what theater goers do not need right now. We are not in a position to waste money or time on bullshit like this. Its not even so bad its good. Its just bad. It’s Crank to The Transporter bad.

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