Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Theater Whore: Lucy

Lucy 2/10

(heavy sigh) It sucks to have to talk about how shitty Lucy was. It has Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, and was directed by Luc Besson. That seems like it would be a great combination. But when you take into account that the more powerful the main character gets the least interesting she becomes it's a recipe for disaster. I was really looking forward to this movie but less than halfway through this I was ready to leave which is bad considering this movie is less than 90 minutes long.

Lucy is a young chick living in Taiwan that likes to party. That is all the character development you're gonna get from me and this movie regarding her. Some guy she is dating handcuffs her to a briefcase and she has to give it to this guy named Mr. Jang. They knock her out a couple of times and put a bag of drugs inside of her. It is called CPH4. A few other people get the same treatment but they seem more okay with it than she is. She wakes up and gets her ass kicked because she didn't want a guy touching her boobs. The drugs pop, she goes full Exorcist all over the room, kills a bunch of guys, gets a cab, and goes to talk to Freeman's character Professor Samuel Norman.

Interspersed through this movie were speeches by Norman. He is giving a lecture about human brains and potential. He keeps saying that humans use just 10% of our brains and dolphins use 20% and they kick ass. Humans use 20% when we are dreaming. The movie doesn't say that. A quick Google search does. Anyway, she shows him that she is becoming powerful and she will die in less than a day. She finds the guy that ordered the drugs in her and kills everyone but him because plot. She becomes stronger and less fun to watch. 

The rest of the movie is action that isn't even interesting because Lucy is so powerful, smart, and fast that there is absolutely no sense of danger. None! There is nothing like a high speed chase with no sense of death. She can walk into a room and stop everyone by waving her hand. The last 15 minutes had me asking “Are you fucking kidding me?” Remember how you felt watching Contact and she went across the universe and saw her dad? It was kinda like that where you roll your eyes so hard it hurts. Just watch this on cable next year. It is not worth paying for. And I gave it a 2 instead of a 1 because I saw Scarlett in a bra and it made me smile.

Click here for previous Theater Whore.

Here is a list of movies you should watch that did Lucy better than Lucy. Chronicle (incredible), Limitless (which I didn't like but is watchable), The Matrix, Powder, Source Code (great film that no one watched), Transcendence (fucking horrible but very similar to this), Unbreakable, Looper (ugh...), and Akira.

Spoiler Alert: 24 Live Another Day

24: Live Another Day is done and I'm not quite sure if there needs to be another season of the show. This season was different than previous ones in that instead of twenty four one hour episodes they did twelve, having the last episode take place during the last thirteen hours which made me actually say “Come on!” when I heard Jack say it. This will have spoilers so if you get mad because something was ruined that means you are a silly person that doesn't read the title of things.

There are two main parts of the series which would have been fine if given a full season. There are just far too many people and plot points going on and very important things that change characters lives that are thrown out here without enough development.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Theater Whore: Tammy

Tammy 4/10

Another movie Dashuh and I watched was Tammy starring Melissa McCarthy and directed by her husband who is also in the film Ben Falcone. I only mention that since it is brought up in every interview about this movie. This is about an annoying woman that gets fired from her job and ends up going with her grandmother played by Susan Sarandon. Let me say, Tammy looks nothing like her mother or grandmother. No one looks related. Anyhoot, Tammy also figures her husband is cheating. No one likes her and I couldn’t figure out why anyone even put up with her bullshit.

As she and her grandmother travel they start to find out new things about one another. Like how unlikable either of them are. Seriously, I know that the last few years the thing has been to have someone who is really annoying but they are balanced out by a straight man. Someone for the jerk to play off of. In this it was just a series of bad people doing bad things to each other or being put into bad situations with other bad people. When bad things happened to Tammy I couldn’t really feel too bad about it because she was such a dick that she deserved it.

Theater Whore: Dawn of The Planet of The Apes

Dawn of The Planet Of The Apes 9/10

For the first time I had the pleasure of seeing a movie with Dashuh while she was visiting. I say pleasure not just because it was awesome to see her, but because she is a good person to see movies with. I have seen some movies with bad people. They can’t stay off their phone. Constantly getting up to use the bathroom (meaning check their phone). Or just can’t get into a movie. None of these things happened with her and that was great. After watching the first Planet Of The Apes we decided to head to Arclight in Hollywood and see the new Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes. When I say that this movie was damn near close to perfect I mean it. This is one of those movies that reminds me of why I love the whole movie going experience so much. This takes place in 2016 after a virus caused by the experiments from the first film start to wipe out humanity. If the virus didn’t kill you being a violent ass human being did.

Meanwhile in Muir Woods the apes are living it up. Caesar and his wife and son, Blue Eyes, are running things and getting along just fine. He has a new son and his “people” love and respect him. One day while out Blue Eyes and another ape encounter a human. The human freaks out and shoots the ape. Immediately the apes spring into action. The leader of the humans, Malcolm, and his crew are surrounded by the apes. He tells them to lower their guns and Caesar shouts “Go!!!” which freaks the humans right the fuck out. The head back home after failing their mission to try and get the power station up and running because back in San Francisco, which between this film and Godzilla is the place to wreck now, food is running low and they need power to get back on their feet.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

New Wonder Woman Image Released

There comes a time in every nerds life when you just realize that no amount of complaining is gonna fix anything. This time I am tired of being upset about the new Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice movie that is coming out. They released the image of the new Wonder Woman being played by Gal Gadot and when I saw it I just sighed in defeat. Okay. I get it. You don’t want Wonder Woman to look cool or threatening in the least. I was hoping that Gadot would at the very least put on some extra pounds but so far it looks like they are going with a very thin woman that appears to be in a Halloween outfit. While it isn’t close to as bad as that series that never aired it still doesn’t scream Wonder Woman to me. It does scream Xena: Warrior Princess though.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Nothing But Gossip July 20th 2014

Floyd Mayweather Jr. had to go on record saying that he had not had sex with rapper T.I's wife, Tiny. Feels like I'm writing a childrens story. “I've never been with Tiny sexually. I respect her situation and I think she's a good person. I would never disrespect a marriage.” Floyd and T.I have been having all kinds of silly issues for months now.

Kanye West has completed 30 of his 240 hours of community a fashion school. Fuck, it must be nice to be rich! He has also completed 10 of his 24 anger management classes. I call so much bullshit.

A Whitney Houston movie is in the works to debut on Lifetime aka Wife Beating Channel. Her family is upset of course because they probably aren't getting a cut and Deborah Cox singing the songs. Where was all this family when Whitney was all cracked up? Hope nobody spoils the ending for me.

Justin Bieber went cliff diving in Malibu and didn't die. Way to fail, gravity. A West Hollywood club is also in trouble after a picture of Bieber drinking beer inside. I don't know why the fuck any club that serves alcohol (meaning the fun ones) even lets him him. It is never worth the trouble.

Pamela Anderson may or may not be divorcing from her husband Rick Solomon. They were married for two months back in 2007 and this time they have been married for half a year.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Spoiler Alert: The Strain "Night Zero" Episode

I finally got a chance to check out the new FX series The Strain based off of the series of books written by Chuck Hogan and Guillermo Del Toro. When I first heard that this was being made I got excited since I loved the books so much. I got even more excited when I saw that it was not going to be on network television. There are thirteen episodes planned so some of the things that happened in the first episode seemed like they could’ve waited a few more episodes before getting to them.

The premise of the show is that an airplane lands at the JFK airport with the lights all out and no one moving on it. Now, they spoon-fed this to the viewers by showing weird things happening on the plane first. An employee terrified that something was alive below the plane and seeing this door burst open didn’t need to happen. It was forgotten about anyway since when the plane was checked out no one said “Holy shit! This door was bent open!” Hey. A plane landing on the tarmac and looking dead is enough. 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

DVDiculous: Night Watch/Day Watch

There is this series of movies that I thought I'd seen (at least one of them) but it turns out I had seen a scene from it. The first is called Night Watch. This is about a...okay. I just finished reading the book two weeks ago after watching the movie so it is kinda hard not to mix up the truth of the book and the stuff from the movie, but I'll try. It starts off with these warriors (knights) fighting back in the day. They are called Others. One side fights Light and the others Darkness. After a huge battle they decide that they need to cute this shit out or they will all die. Now humanity is allowed to choose to be bad or not. Uh...yeah.

The main guy Anton played by Konstantin Khabensky goes to visit a witch to get his girlfriend back. He tells her that she will miscarry and come back to him. He's kinda hesitant (by the way, this does happen in the book but not to Anton whatsoever and its actually in the second book and now I will try not to bring the books up again) but just as he is about to go through with it the Night Watch show up and stop the witch and arrest her. This is what the Night Watch does. Makes sure people don't practice magic illegally. Its 12 years later and Anton is working with the good guys.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Babbling Old Man: Django

I finally got around to watching the 1966 movie Django. No, this is not that lame ass Django Unchained that came out. This movie is about a guy that kills over 100 people and doesn't seem to care about it. I'm still not sure if he is a good guy or not because even when he does something good its for honked up reason. This stars Franco Nero as Django. He's the only person who I'll mention by name because everyone else is a silly person. While dragging a casket through the desert he comes across this woman named Maria who is being whipped by some Mexican dudes. He waits a while and watches as these White dudes kill them all.

Right after she is saved the same guys are like “That's what you get for messing with them Mexicans!” and then they are ready to kill her. At this point the movie, less than ten minutes in, I already a comedy. I feel like I'm watching A Million Ways To Die In The West. Django saves her, takes her back to town, and brings her to a bar/whore house. Not really a difference back then. Turns out that she escaped from the whore house and wouldn't ya know it, the evil White man gang is coming! Everyone knows who this woman is. She's supposed to be half White half Mexican and while I know that it is totally possible to be that and have blond hair, green eyes, and absolutely no accent...come on. Django gets into with these guys and a duel is planned. Django brings his casket out and all hell breaks loose!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Aaliyah Movie Ain't Happening

Did you know that there was an Aaliyah movie in the works? Yeah, its true. Whenever I hear about a movie being made about a singer I always have to check out who is playing the part. In this case it is a young girl named Zendaya Coleman. Now, she doesn't look like Aaliyah except for the fact that they are both light skinned. This really shouldn't matter because plenty of biographies have stars that look nothing like the real person. 

Best example is Angela Bassett as Tina Turner in What's Love Got To Do With It. She looked nothing like that woman but it worked out fine because her acting was so damned good.

So good!

I say a movie was in the works but that isn't true since members of Aaliyah's family were pissed from the start that it was being made. One of her cousins named Jomo Jankerson (these names, these names...) who is also the president of her label Blackground Records said “It's never been about the actress. The problem that we have is that Aaliyah was an icon and she deserves an iconic tribute, not a Lifetime movie.” Come on now. Let'snot get carried away. “We want a major studio release along the lines of 'What’s Love Got to Do With It,' the Tina Turner movie. This needs A-list actors, A-list talent that can breathe life into what we think is a phenomenal story.” Yeah...but no. Not at all.