Theater Whore: Lucy

Lucy 2/10

(heavy sigh) It sucks to have to talk about how shitty Lucy was. It has Scarlett Johansson, Morgan Freeman, and was directed by Luc Besson. That seems like it would be a great combination. But when you take into account that the more powerful the main character gets the least interesting she becomes it's a recipe for disaster. I was really looking forward to this movie but less than halfway through this I was ready to leave which is bad considering this movie is less than 90 minutes long.

Lucy is a young chick living in Taiwan that likes to party. That is all the character development you're gonna get from me and this movie regarding her. Some guy she is dating handcuffs her to a briefcase and she has to give it to this guy named Mr. Jang. They knock her out a couple of times and put a bag of drugs inside of her. It is called CPH4. A few other people get the same treatment but they seem more okay with it than she is. She wakes up and gets her ass kicked because she didn't want a guy touching her boobs. The drugs pop, she goes full Exorcist all over the room, kills a bunch of guys, gets a cab, and goes to talk to Freeman's character Professor Samuel Norman.

Interspersed through this movie were speeches by Norman. He is giving a lecture about human brains and potential. He keeps saying that humans use just 10% of our brains and dolphins use 20% and they kick ass. Humans use 20% when we are dreaming. The movie doesn't say that. A quick Google search does. Anyway, she shows him that she is becoming powerful and she will die in less than a day. She finds the guy that ordered the drugs in her and kills everyone but him because plot. She becomes stronger and less fun to watch. 

The rest of the movie is action that isn't even interesting because Lucy is so powerful, smart, and fast that there is absolutely no sense of danger. None! There is nothing like a high speed chase with no sense of death. She can walk into a room and stop everyone by waving her hand. The last 15 minutes had me asking “Are you fucking kidding me?” Remember how you felt watching Contact and she went across the universe and saw her dad? It was kinda like that where you roll your eyes so hard it hurts. Just watch this on cable next year. It is not worth paying for. And I gave it a 2 instead of a 1 because I saw Scarlett in a bra and it made me smile.

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Here is a list of movies you should watch that did Lucy better than Lucy. Chronicle (incredible), Limitless (which I didn't like but is watchable), The Matrix, Powder, Source Code (great film that no one watched), Transcendence (fucking horrible but very similar to this), Unbreakable, Looper (ugh...), and Akira.

Theater Whore: Olympus Has Fallen

Its officially the start of summer blockbuster movies where shit explodes and people get shot and I make strange faces because I’m too excited which is why I prefer hitting it from the back! I’m full of shame! Hello. I have been dying to see a damned movie for over a month now that the Academy Awards are done and most movie makers are like “I don’t give a fuck just put something out there.” I saw Olympus Has Fallen after laughing at how cheesy it was. Then I saw that Antoine Fuqua did it and he did Training Day, Tears Of The Sun, King Arthur, and Brooklyn’s Finest and I loved those movies. 

This stars Gerard Butler as Mike Banning, a former Army Ranger that is the head of President Detail. Its his job to protect the President Benjamin Asher played by Aaron Eckhart and the First Lady played by Ashley Judd and their kid who is thankfully not used as a huge plot device in this movie. One night while heading to a dinner the president’s car goes over a bridge and Banning is able to save him but not the First Lady and she dies. He is removed from the detail and now works for the Treasury Department. He also ignores his wife a lot. 

Stop It Tyler Perry

Oh, that Tyler Perry. A Lot of people are upset since he was cast in the latest Alex Cross based film. I’m not upset so much as I am annoyed. Perry’s face bothers me. Yes, I have seen his Madea films and they are funny to a point. Let me describe all the films for you. Madea acts crazy and violent, some girl is a hooker or a hooker addicted to drugs or a woman being beaten by her boyfriend/husband/pimp, meets Christian man, he likes her but she likes being punched, eventually she likes him. The end.

"Black people love me!"

Its hard to replace someone like Morgan Freeman. I mean, come on, he was God in a movie. He can narrate anything and make it interesting. If he called me while I was taking a shit and started describing its smell and texture I would tape it and it’d be a number one film. I’d call it “Apple Juice & Flaming Hot Cheeto’s: A Tale Of One Man’s Pain.” Boom.

"Bad Ass Mofo": Morgan Freeman

"I am going to stop calling you a white man and I'm going to ask you to stop calling me a black man." Morgan Freeman

An American treasure and one of the best actors alive, Morgan Freeman is this weeks Bad Ass Mofo! Born in Memphis in 1937, this 74 year old man could stare down God and make him do whatever he wants. Oh, wait. He is God! In Bruce Almighty he got to play the role he was born to play. No one could even get mad that a Black dude was playing God. And if they did it was five across the eye! All I complained about was the haircut. I’m not sure if its an afro or a flattop. I should probably erase that lest I suffer his wrathy wrath. As cool as Mr. Freeman is, things weren’t always so groovy.