Stop It Tyler Perry

Oh, that Tyler Perry. A Lot of people are upset since he was cast in the latest Alex Cross based film. I’m not upset so much as I am annoyed. Perry’s face bothers me. Yes, I have seen his Madea films and they are funny to a point. Let me describe all the films for you. Madea acts crazy and violent, some girl is a hooker or a hooker addicted to drugs or a woman being beaten by her boyfriend/husband/pimp, meets Christian man, he likes her but she likes being punched, eventually she likes him. The end.

"Black people love me!"

Its hard to replace someone like Morgan Freeman. I mean, come on, he was God in a movie. He can narrate anything and make it interesting. If he called me while I was taking a shit and started describing its smell and texture I would tape it and it’d be a number one film. I’d call it “Apple Juice & Flaming Hot Cheeto’s: A Tale Of One Man’s Pain.” Boom.

"And as Dante struggled to keep his intestines inside his body..."

You know who was gonna play in these films before Perry put his stink on it? Fucking Idris Elba! Yeah. You look at a picture of Perry holding a gun and you giggle. You look at Idris holding a gun and you throw your wallet at the screen and pee a little bit in your pants. If you’re a woman you wet your pants for a whole ‘nother reason. Bunch of pervatrons. He doesn’t even need a gun to look bad ass.

Three hundred women just got pregnant.

This movie has already been made and stuff so I guess I’m a little bit late in writing this post. I let you down, society. I had the power to stop this visual abortion and I didn’t make it in time. I know some of you who are excited about seeing this and are saying “Dante, you haven’t even seen this movie. Who are you to talk shit?” to which I reply “Hello. My name is Dante and this is the first time we’ve met. Ass.” 

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