Babbling Old Man: Braindead aka Dead Alive

Sometimes when I watch a certain movie, hear a particular song, or see a sun bleached hobo walking down the street I want to know what combination of drugs and liquor made their situation happen. This movie Braindead aka Dead Alive made me wonder this. Beast Man who wants to be known as Beast Master recommended this movie because I’m guessing he is still in the middle of a fever dream and wanted me to watch a movie that has more blood and pus than a German porn.

Some archaeologist and a helper are carrying this box with a wild Sumatran Ray Monkey in it. No, that is not a real thing in case you’re wondering. Okay, let me say this for a second. Going based on movies, archaeologists do nothing but make the world more dangerous for us. They always find some shit that was made for nothing but evil and dig it up and release hell on Earth. Stop that. So these shamaroons run into this tribe and dude uses a machine gun two feet from these guys and hits none of them. He then runs off with the monkey in a box. It bites him and he gets his arms cut off and then his head. Then the monkey is sold. Yeah. That happened.

She wants his stuff.

This goober named Lionel Cosgrove played by Timothy Balme meets with this hot chick named Paquita played by Diana Penalver. Her grandmother reads these tarot cards telling her she is going to fall in love soon after seeing a symbol that does occur when Lionel drops some shit on the counter. Granny doesn’t mention all the death and shit that will happen as well because fuck warnings.

I just wanted to use another picture of her. 

Lionel’s mother is a evil old bitch. She follows him on his date to the zoo where Lionel and Paquita see this cute little monkey get wrecked by the Sumatran Rat Monkey. When you see the fucking thing you know that it should never be in any zoo. Not even Australia! Oh, by the way, this takes place in New Zealand which is like the US’s Canada. I think. Why am I trying to offend the scariest country in the world?! So Lionel’s mother gets bitten by it and instead of going to the hospital she has a bandage put on her arm.

Because in New Zealand hospitals are like condoms in West Hollywood. Around but not used.

His mom is a fucking zombie monster and starts killing off townspeople and he still wont off her. Listen. I’ve talked before in my zombie blog about what I’d do if friends and family turned into a zombie. They’re done. If you cant come back to the side of humanity you’re getting fucked up. No apologies! So he keeps her and all these people in the basement.

Happy Mother's Day!

He uses tranquilizer to keep them calm and sedated that he got from a vet. His mom is presumed dead but after the funeral these thugs attack Lionel and his mom bursts from the grave and saves him by making one of them into a goddamn monster. Come on!

Yes. She'll be fine. Just some glue on her cheek. Its all good.

Lionel tries to be a good son and give poison to the zombies. He just grabs a big ass needle and just starts pumping it into them. I left out all the nasty shit where he tries to feed the zombies and stuff because I really don’t want to relive that shit. It was gross. I can take a lot of nasty shit but seeing someone eat custard that had pus shot into it…fuck me. I cant. I just…

This thing becomes useful...as a regular knife.

Later his uncle Les tries to blackmail Lionel into giving up the house and his mothers money. He has a huge party and someone ends up letting one of the zombies out. Paquita comes to the party leaving her lame date behind and all hell breaks loose. Zombies are eating people. This fucking baby zombie is being stupid and just wont die. There is more blood and nonsense than I’ve seen in any film. At this point. It gets worse.

This fucker just...won't...die!!!

It seems like they are going to lose because everyone is getting killed. This one zombie that gets cut in half ends up having his intestines attack Lionel and then his legs attack Paquita and this other lady and they use the legs to beat up other zombies and then the intestines are used as a rope to swing. And then…Jesus. Les becomes useful because he kills an entire room full of zombies.

He calls this Tuesday. Tuesdays With Gory. Get it? Get it?! Oh, shut up. 

Les becomes a zombie after being bitten and Paquita kills him. Lionel uses a lawnmower to kill everyone in the house that moans at him. They think they are safe until Lionel realizes that his mother never showed up. Oh, I forgot to mention that the poison turned out to be a stimulant and all the zombies are bionic and shit. So there’s that. So yeah, Lionel’s mom shows up and she is this huge monster that ends up on the rooftop being shoved into her stomach. He cuts himself free and he and Paquita share a pus, blood, and gore kiss. Ugh! Then the cops arrive. So soon?

Who's hungry?!

This movie was fucking insane. I think the director Peter Jackson has done a level of drugs that would make Keith Richards go “Whoa whoa whoa…slow down.” I read about this and it turns out that this movie used more fake blood than any other film in history.

This monster had tits and ass. 

The scene where he is killing everything with a lawnmower used five galloons on blood per second. I watched the longer, uncensored version of this and I assume that a lot of this was left out of the American version. For making me watch this, I’m bringing Twilight with me when I see Beast Man and H.

Oh, I forgot to add this. Just in case you could still sleep. 

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