Theater Whore: Taken 2

After four years Liam Neeson is back with the number one comedy of the year, Taken 2! I’m joking but totally not at the same time. This movie had me cracking up laughing. I know it wasn’t supposed to but some of the stuff that happened reminded me of dumb shit from Transporter which made sense later when I found out that the director did Transporter 3 and friggin’ Colombiana. That guy loves live action Looney Tunes and if I had known that going in, I would’ve waited a while to watch this.

Neeson is once again Bryan Mills. This takes place a few years after the first movie so hopefully his daughter has gotten smarter. Oh, she is named Kim and played by Maggie Grace. She’s supposed to be a teenager I think but it doesn’t look like it. I’m getting ahead of myself. Some dude named Murad Hoxha who I don’t ever remember them saying in the movie wants Neeson killed for killing his son in the first film. His son was the one Neeson shocked to death. You remember him right?

Taken 2: Electric Bugaloo!

Yeah. Him. So his dad played by…uh the guy called Boris The Blade in Snatch vows revenge because Neeson killed his pedophile asshole son. “Oh, I know my son sold young girls into drugs and prostitution. But it’s the principal of the thing!” So he rounds up a bunch of other losers who didn’t die in the first film and they ride in a bunch of cars to find Neeson.

Enjoy it while it lasts...

Back in America Neeson and his wife Lenore played by Famke Janssen are acting all flirty with each other and I’m all “What happened to the guy she married after leaving Neeson?” He’s divorcing her and is a huge dick for no reason. Poor dude isn’t even there to defend himself. Not that he could. He’d get his neck broken in eight places before he could finish. So Neeson is all like “I’m ‘bout to get all up in them guts!” and his friends who are also killers laugh with him. Oh, that Liam!

Just remembered why she left him in the first place.

So Neeson goes on a trip to protect someone and tells his wife and daughter that they can come. They surprise him by showing up. They head to Istanbul and the bad guys find out and head to their room to get them. While they are out Neeson and Lenore get chased and caught by the bad guys. You could tell he wanted to slap Lenore when she started freaking out but this isn’t the 1940’s and that shit is not cool. So don’t do it.

This. Happened.

Their daughter Kim is lounging by the pool and Skyping with her boyfriend when Liam manages to, and I’m not fucking with you when I describe this, while he is hanging by his wrists with a chain gets his boots off and finagles it to his hands and calls his friend who doesn’t answer. Then he calls his daughter and tells her “You remember that bad shit that happened a few years back? Well, the tables have done the turn! Me and your mama are captured! But don’t panic because I counted shit in my head and listened to birds so I can help you find me. Now use a shoestring and marker, create a Venn Diagram, and find me!” 

Dressed for action!

Kim hides and gets out the building by climbing on a ledge. He helped her figure out where they are by lobbing grenades. I’m not shitting you. He told her where his bag of tricks was and said “Toss a grenade.” She threw it under a car on a roof and he listened and could tell how far away they were. Then the cops came! No, they didn’t. No one cared because in Istanbul throwing grenades is like screaming for help in Florida. Pointless. So she runs off tossing grenades like it’s the thing to do while searching for him. Now, he told her to get to the US Embassy and ask for help but she said she could do it because, well, a 18 year old girl is just the same as the goddamn military, right? Right?!

Nope.

So as he talks to his daughter again because these guys who were so thirsty for revenge are busy playing grab ass or something and never check on him and he tells her to toss another grenade. Now, this isn’t in some empty part of the city. There are thousands of people in the streets and she is tossing grenades on rooftops and probably killing more people than her dad did in the first film! She sees some smoke and drops a gun in there for him and she dashes across the roofs chased by bad guys. One falls to his death and the other is shot by Neeson who escaped…leaving his wife. Cue Price is Right loser horn.

There's about to be a a few less dinner plates put out tonight!

Now that Neeson is free its time to start killing things that breathe! He shoots a bunch of people and when he cant do that breaks necks! Neeson is just fucking everything up and I’m like “You show them, dad!” because I wish my father was this ambitious. He and his daughter steal a cab and race away with her driving.

"What do you and Abraham Lincoln have in common?" *snap* "You're both dead."

I should point out that she didn’t pass her drivers test. She failed twice because she cant park. That don’t mean she cant drive stick and do 180’s like a boss though! They weave and hit cars and destroy half the city before crashing through the US Embassy gates where they are shot at by the military. They aren’t hurt at all and Neeson calls his friend who finally answers and tells them he needs help. I thought the team was gonna show up but they just get him, like, not arrested for doing what he just did.

P-shewn! P-shewn!

Neeson heads back to where he left his wife and she is gone. He finds the bad guys and they fight some more. He gets to one dude who can actually hold his own and gets some punches in on Neeson which does nothing but anger his blood. He kills the guy before finding Boris the Blade and making a deal with him. I leave here with my wife and you leave me the fuck alone type deal. The guy says he will. Neeson puts his gun down and Boris picks it up and fires. Its empty. Neeson then slams his head into the wall Superman style, killing him. Everyone is back together again and you know what that means…

MILKSHAKES!!!

This movie was ridiculous. I mean, I didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t close to as good as the first one. The whole car chase wasn’t even a cool one. And the car really didn’t get damaged until the very end. And what does the daughter say to her boyfriend about the vacation? “Oh, mom and dad were kidnapped like I was a few years ago and I tossed grenades and got in a chase then my dad killed them all. How’s your milkshake?” If you can wait, then do so. This made number one in theaters because Liam would kill us all otherwise.