Theater Whore: Resident Evil Retribution

Have you ever watched a Resident Evil movie? Well, let me give you a crash course. Little story, lots of killing, main star survives, ends badly. That is how each and every one of these films goes. The latest, Resident Evil: Retribution, is no different. It stars Milla Jovovich who is back as Alice, the genetically engineered fighting machine that had her bionic-ness removed but still manages to do shit that would make The Wachowski’s say “Okay, come on, really?” The first few minutes are done in reverse where you see a bunch of folks being killed and Alice fighting back before being blown off a ship. Then you see it happen in real time which seems kinda pointless.

Cold. Naked. Alone. Yep. Must be Resident Evil.

She wakes in bed with her husband and daughter before being attacked by zombies. Then they bump into Michelle Rodriguez who died in the first film. She then wakes up wearing napkins because fuck you its Milla Jovovich and we gots to see the goods! She gets tortured with some dubstep music by her old friend Jill before the computer is shut down and Alice is given a cool outfit to wear and a door opens that allows her to escape.

Hooooly shiiiiiiit!!!

In the hallways that damned laser grid chases her and she gets away. She heads outside and is in Japan all of a sudden where zombies start eating folks before turning to her. She runs back inside and kills the zombies.

Government issues Spandex FTW!

She finds this hot Asian dame named Ada Wong who used to be bad that and Wesker who has been the enemy for a while. They tell her that The Red Queen is back. She’s that evil English girl. You know the “You’re all going to die down here” girl? Her. A group of guys who I will refer to as Team Eye Candy show up and are going to take an elevator down and help Alice and Ada escape. Kevin Durand is one of them and that dude is awesome. I want to see a movie where him and Karl Urban are brothers that just punch people in the face.

Neither of these outfits seem battle tested.

Anyhoot, Alice and Ada battle these fucking giants in fake New York which is just a little bit less scary than real New York. They then head to the same street Alice was on when she was dreaming and find her daughter. Ada’s like “Uh, she isn’t real, you know” and Alice is all “She is to me!”

Mmm...

They drag fake little girl along because Paul W.S Anderson is a fan of Aliens and wants his own Newt. Then they are attacked by Jill who has all of Alice’s former teammates including…Michelle Rodriguez? Ada gets caught.

"Soon as his Black ass is gone...you're mine!"

Team Eye Candy are running late in their rescue because the five of them cant do as much as two women whose total height is 5’3” start getting killed. Alice and her daughter end up meeting Michelle Rodriguez again and Alice shows her how to shoot a gun. “Its like a camera. Just point and shoot. Now…you’re officially a badass.” Yeah. That’s exactly what kids need to hear!

Hey, its nice Michelle Rodriguez!

Some creature called a licker shows up as Alice leaves her not daughter with Michelle Rodriguez and she finds Team Eye Candy and rescues them. This damned creature that they have pumped full of lead can not be killed. And you know what? If I was fighting a battle and it appeared…game’s over. I don’t even want to live in a world where this thing breathes the same air as me!

Bad touch! Bad touch!

Alice and Team Eye Candy are attacked some more and that licker shows up again. Alice and her fake daughter see clones of themselves and the daughter starts to freak out. Thankfully she is deaf so she doesn’t know how to yell properly and Alice calms her down. The licker ends up snatching false daughter while killing Michelle Rodriguez and Alice kills it with three shots. Yep. This is the same creature that was shot hundreds of times, hit by a car, buried under rubble, and burned. Killed with a few shots. Most of the team gets killed and Alice and the rest escape Gilligan’s Island.

RARARGGGGG...sexy.

It all seems to be going well but I know there’s like twenty more minutes left so shit still has time to go tits up. Which it does. As Alice, clone daughter, a Blacker, and anonymous White guy get away a submarine pops up. Michelle Rodriguez and Jill climb out with Ada held hostage. Michelle Rodriguez injects herself with zombie steroids called Las Plagas and starts whipping the two dudes asses while Alice gets her ass destroyed by Jill. Black dude gets heart punched and dies. Alice rips evil robot off Jill’s chest and frees her mind. Alice then pushes Michelle Rodriguez into a ice hole where zombies pull her underneath. The team gets rescued by a helicopter and taken to the White House. Wesker is there in the Oval Office and injects Alice with super juice because chicks hate when you ask if they want to be drugged first. He tells her that they are all that’s left of humanity as he leads her outside and you see dragons and millions of zombies showing up. That means that there will be a part six!

And more of this!

This movie is pretty much like the rest of them. I cant see how when the next one comes out that there is a happy way to top off this series. I just want to be like “There isn’t even time to take a shit let alone populate humanity!” If you liked the past films this one will not disappoint you. I got to see multiple Michelle Rodriguez’ so you know I was loving this shit.