Theater Whore: Widows

Widows 3/10

Tonight at AFI with Koko we saw two movies. One of them was Widows starring everybody and their mama. This movie was like having every ingredient needed to bake a cake and ending up with candy corn. I don't know what the hell happened. Full disclosure, I saw the trailer for this a few months back and thought it was a joke. I did not think this was an actual thing that was being made so I did not have high hopes for enjoying it. But then as the movie started I got all kinds of happy seeing who was in it. “They got Punisher in this shit?! And Liam Neesons?! Michelle Rodriguez aka Wife #3 and Viola Davis aka Wife #5?!” Suddenly I was very interested in this movie. Hell, a lot of the cast and the director Steve McQueen were even there. I live down the street from Hollywood. Be all kinds of jealous. I'm just saying. So in the Mann's Chinese Theater or whatever they call it now with 900 mutants we watched what ended up being a clusterfuck of a movie.

The Review: The Assignment

The Assignment 2/10

I watched the comedy of the year on Netflix yesterday called The Assignment starring Michelle Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver. I'm not sure who needed to pay off a loan but neither of these ladies should have wasted their time making this dumpster fire. There will be spoilers which you should thank me for because then you can spend your time watching cool shit. This is about a hitman named Frank Kitchen played by Rodriguez. You can ignore the stupid name but you will not be able to ignore Rodriguez with prosthetic makeup to look like a guy. She looks like Benecio Del Toro in Sin City but in color which makes it look way worse. She is known for being one of the best killers out there you can hire but for some reason doesn't get paid all that much.

Theater Whore: Fate Of The Furious

Fate Of The Furious 9/10

There will be spoilers. This morning I headed to The Arclight (The Dome really) and checked out Fate Of The Furious. I hadn't been in that part of the theater in a long ass time. I have really liked this movies since the fifth one (click here, here, and here for previous reviews of the Furious films) and was looking forward to this one so much. I saw a submarine in the trailer and said fuck everything. I have to see this as soon as it comes out. The entire cast is back for this one as well as some surprises and great additions. Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, the lovely Michelle Rodriguez, Tyrese, Ludacris, hot ass Nathalie Emmanuel, Kurt Russell, too handsome Scott Eastwood shows up, and magical beam of light Charlize Theron is the newest villain and by god she is evil as fuck!

Theater Whore: Furious 7

Furious 7 – 8/10

This will have spoilers. KP and I decided that we needed to watch Furious 7 yesterday. First we watched Fast & Furious 6 right before heading out because she hadn't seen it before. We went to the Arclight and got the party started. This movie picks up right after the last one left off where the Asian dude got killed by Jason Statham in Tokyo and he called Vin Diesel and told him that he was coming for him. Turns out that Statham and the bad guy from the last film are brothers. Then the movie moves backwards a tiny bit. Paul Walker is getting used to being home and not dodging bullets while Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez struggle with her memory problems. After winning a race she starts acting all weird and runs away.

Jordana Brewster tells Diesel that she is pregnant but hasn't told Walker yet because she knows he hates being normal. Then they get a package from Japan that blows up their entire damned house. 

Theater Whore: Fast & Furious 6

You know the best part of Fast & Furious 6? When cars go fast and things explode. You know what I don’t like? When Paul Walker is allowed to speak for a few seconds. Out of the six films that have been released (so far) there have been three that are worth watching again. You make any references to Tokyo Drift and my eyes will start to cross. Maybe that’s why I don’t give a damn about the Japanese dude. I really hope he got started in that one otherwise I’m just being an asshole. These films are not heavy on plot and when they try its almost cute like “Aw, you’re trying to be a story” and you kiss it on top of the head…then it explodes. 

Everyone you care about it back. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Vin Diesel, Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson, and the rest. Oh, Gina Carano joins the crew and Michelle Rodriguez returns from the dead. Paul Walker who has one acting setting and his wife Jordana Brewster who has two have a kid who will hopefully have three are living the life of escaped convicts. They have money and no worries. Vin Diesel and his lady from the last film are good as well. Then one day The Rock shows up and he’s all like “I have more muscles than flesh. Your girlfriend you thought was dead is alive. Help us catch her and this crew she is working with and we’ll let you all get back into America with no charges against you.” I was like, really?! Can you do that?! 

Hot Hillbilly Arrested

Let me start off by saying that I have never seen the show Buckwild on MTV. For starters I haven’t had cable in years. There’s also the fact that when I did have it that channel was near the bottom of must see TV. I’ve heard clips and reviews for it and its not something I’d ever actively watch. But I do have to say that there’s this Bengali chick named Salwa Amin on the show that is stupid hot. Why am I even writing about her? Because she got arrested.

The show is taped in West Virginia which is like Florida-Lite and she got popped for possession of oxycodone and heroin possession with the intent to deliver. That last part will make any sentence she gets even harsher…if she wasn’t known. We know famous people don’t do real jail time. Looking at you, Lindsay Lohan. I already know that some of you are saying “I’ve never heard of her. She’s not famous?”

Theater Whore: Resident Evil Retribution

Have you ever watched a Resident Evil movie? Well, let me give you a crash course. Little story, lots of killing, main star survives, ends badly. That is how each and every one of these films goes. The latest, Resident Evil: Retribution, is no different. It stars Milla Jovovich who is back as Alice, the genetically engineered fighting machine that had her bionic-ness removed but still manages to do shit that would make The Wachowski’s say “Okay, come on, really?” The first few minutes are done in reverse where you see a bunch of folks being killed and Alice fighting back before being blown off a ship. Then you see it happen in real time which seems kinda pointless.

Cold. Naked. Alone. Yep. Must be Resident Evil.

She wakes in bed with her husband and daughter before being attacked by zombies. Then they bump into Michelle Rodriguez who died in the first film. She then wakes up wearing napkins because fuck you its Milla Jovovich and we gots to see the goods! She gets tortured with some dubstep music by her old friend Jill before the computer is shut down and Alice is given a cool outfit to wear and a door opens that allows her to escape.

Hooooly shiiiiiiit!!!

In the hallways that damned laser grid chases her and she gets away. She heads outside and is in Japan all of a sudden where zombies start eating folks before turning to her. She runs back inside and kills the zombies.

Government issues Spandex FTW!

She finds this hot Asian dame named Ada Wong who used to be bad that and Wesker who has been the enemy for a while. They tell her that The Red Queen is back. She’s that evil English girl. You know the “You’re all going to die down here” girl? Her. A group of guys who I will refer to as Team Eye Candy show up and are going to take an elevator down and help Alice and Ada escape. Kevin Durand is one of them and that dude is awesome. I want to see a movie where him and Karl Urban are brothers that just punch people in the face.

Neither of these outfits seem battle tested.

Anyhoot, Alice and Ada battle these fucking giants in fake New York which is just a little bit less scary than real New York. They then head to the same street Alice was on when she was dreaming and find her daughter. Ada’s like “Uh, she isn’t real, you know” and Alice is all “She is to me!”

Mmm...

They drag fake little girl along because Paul W.S Anderson is a fan of Aliens and wants his own Newt. Then they are attacked by Jill who has all of Alice’s former teammates including…Michelle Rodriguez? Ada gets caught.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Michelle Rodriguez

“Well, could you really imagine me playing the girlfriend that needs rescuing? Or the girlfriend?” Michelle Rodriguez

Oh, this weeks Bad Mamma Jamma is Michelle Rodriguez. She is the definition of hot and dangerous. Like for reals dangerous. I need to point out that she has the hottest mug shot out of any actress. For serious, it is nice. She is always cast as the tough girl or the deadly girl. I don’t mind that at all. Because even if she punched me in the throat I could sit here and say “Michelle Rodriguez totally touched me!” I first saw her in Girlfight. Meaning I saw her in a commercial for the movie since I’ve never actually seen it. I did see The Fast & The Furious and I was all like “A-guh…!” I really do make that sound and its just as unsexy as you imagine.