The Review: The Assignment

The Assignment 2/10

I watched the comedy of the year on Netflix yesterday called The Assignment starring Michelle Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver. I'm not sure who needed to pay off a loan but neither of these ladies should have wasted their time making this dumpster fire. There will be spoilers which you should thank me for because then you can spend your time watching cool shit. This is about a hitman named Frank Kitchen played by Rodriguez. You can ignore the stupid name but you will not be able to ignore Rodriguez with prosthetic makeup to look like a guy. She looks like Benecio Del Toro in Sin City but in color which makes it look way worse. She is known for being one of the best killers out there you can hire but for some reason doesn't get paid all that much.

Who Should Be In The Expendables?

The Expendables 3 is coming out in a few months. I saw the first two and for some reason there are stars from the 80's that have not appeared. In this next film they have Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Kelsey Grammer, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Victor Ortiz, Glen Powell and Robert Davi. You would think that after three films that they would be running out of action stars based on some of the names they have added. Lutz? Grammer? Davi? Come on. This is silly. They didn't even need to have Couture in the last two films but have kept him for whatever reason.

I was talking to Beastman a few weeks ago about this movie and we were trying to think of some Black actors that could be used. Beastman was thinking of Blair Underwood (this took hours to figure out who the hell he was even talking about) and I shot that down like a suggestion to Veggie Grill. While Crews has the look and is a funny ass guy he is not an action star from my youth. I came up with a few that should be in the movie (assuming they aren't surprise guests) as well as some women. I love Rousey like I love a good BLT but come on.

Babbling Old Man: Ghostbusters

The mind is a very strange thing. I have been walking this Erf all these years thinking that I had seen Ghostbusters. Now, this movie came out when I was 5 years old but that's no excuse for not having seen this. The thing is, my childhood was spent watching a lot of horror movies and shit that just wasn't appropriate for children. Hell, I was allowed to listen to Robin Harris standup which when I hear now its a wonder I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I didn't watch Dirty Dancing until a couple of years ago and still haven't seen Footloose. There's just movies that passed me by. Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink? Saw them in my 20's.

But still. I thought I saw Ghostbusters. If you had asked me before I saw Kiyoshi's post I would've sworn that I saw it. I would have been able to tell you what it was about by stating obvious facts. Stay Puft. Don't cross the streams. Are you the key master? Demon dogs. Uh...proton pack. I could have fumbled my way through it. But as I started watching it in the first fifteen minutes I said “Oh my god. I've never seen this!”

Theater Whore: Abduction

I did it. Mr. Soot dared me and even offered to buy me a ticket. I declined. But after much soul searching (and large amounts of whiskey) I decided to watch this nonsense. Its as bad as you’d think. Now I already know that there are some people reading this and saying “Dante, you have amazing legs. How do you do it?” or “This movie isn’t even aimed at your demographic of 30-something year old Black dudes with amazing legs, so of course you wouldn’t like it.” To which I’ll reply “Bad knows no demographic!” I’ll walk you through this nonsense.

The movie starts off with Taylor Lautner (Twilight, Sharkboy And Lavagirl, Cheaper By The Dozen 2) as Nathan riding on the hood of his friends car while heading to a party to get drunk. These are high school kids by the way. He wakes up on the lawn with no shirt on and his dad shows up and brings him home to spar with him until he pukes. Let me point out that this movie uses any excuse to get this boy out of his clothes. “Breakfast is ready!” Shirt off. “You are failing school!” Shirt off. “Murder!!!” Shirt off. He likes this girl Lily Collins (Priest, The Blind Side) who plays Karen aka Eyebrows. Seriously, you could slice steel with this girls eyebrows. She seems like a bitch and ends up partnering with Nathan to do a report about missing kids. In a few minutes they find his picture.

"Bad Mamma Jamma": Sigourney Weaver

"I've always regretted having such a serious career because I'm really more of an idiot." Sigourney Weaver

Susan Alexandra Weaver aka Sigourney Weaver is the first entry in the new Bad Mamma Jamma. Wanna know how bad she is? Her salary for Alien: Resurrection was more than it cost to make the first Alien film. Boom. As Ripley she has become the template by which any actress that tries to be a badass is compared to. Some chick does a flying kick I’m like “You didn’t save an orphan space baby from a acid spitting alien…” Admittedly I wasn’t a huge fan or her…sexually. At first. I thought she looked okay but she didn’t make my pants tight or anything. That all changed when she popped up in Galaxy Quest. In that film she made me see the difference between liking a chick and a woman.