Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Oh my god so many beheadings! This movie should have been called Twilight: Breaking Necks Part 2! This was by far the most violent of the series. Fuck that. One of the most violent films to come out in the last few years. This movie was more violent than Wolverine. Read that again at least four times and try to make sense of it. You cant! I have already mentioned that I have seen all these films and did not super hate them. This film takes place right after Twilight Breaking Dawn: Part 1. If you recall Kristen Stewart, who I cant stand, had a baby and became a vampire.

So Bella wakes up and Edward is watching her like a total creepazoid and she bolts across the room and starts molesting her face. He tells her that she is stronger than him right now and that before she goes to see the baby, Renesmee, that she needs to feed. They go out hunting and she is gonna snatch a deer when she spots a hiker. She fights the urge to chomp his ass and kills a mountain lion instead. Then she heads back to the house and starts to kick Jacob’s ass because he is imprinted on her daughter. Who is only a couple weeks old. Yeah.

No fuck the baby!

Alice leaves the family after having a terrible vision and then a vampire that left the family, Irina, sees Bella, Jacob, and Renesmee, who is aging fast as hell, strolling and is all like “Ooh, I’m telling’!” and runs back to the Volturi. They are the old weird vampires that popped up in the other films. Irina says that they have made a child vampire which is bad. I shit you not there’s a scene where Dakota Fanning tosses a toddler into fire like it was a bag of chips. I laughed knowing I shouldn’t have. Now the Volturi are heading to the Cullen family to start some shit.

Theater Whore: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Like my decision to drink apple juice while eating anything knowing full and goddamn well what will happen and how the journey will end, I decided to watch The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Like I’ve mentioned before, I have seen all of the Twilight films and liked them more than I hated them. But this film may have changed all of that. This movie could’ve been half as long as it was since most of it was just staring at one another. That and being forced to watch Kristen Stewart attempt to look sexy. I’ve seen her in lingerie now. I cant un-see that!

I’m not gonna sit here and list the movie credits of the actors in this movie. I’ll stick with their character names, okay? So Bella and Edward are gonna get married and Jacob is pissed like he always is. I mean, there have been so many girls I wanted to be with that didn’t like me. So, so, so many! But you learn to move on. Four movies in and Jacob is still like “No, he’s a vampire! He cant keep you warm like I can! Whaaah!!!” Bella’s like “Whatevs…” and marries Edward even after having a honked up dream where everyone she knows is dead and she and Edward are standing over the mountain made of their corpses. Jacob skips the wedding but shows up at the end to make Bella feel like shit. They head to Brazil or some country that don’t speak Ainglish and have sex. And by sex I mean he destroys a wall while fucking her!

Theater Whore: Abduction

I did it. Mr. Soot dared me and even offered to buy me a ticket. I declined. But after much soul searching (and large amounts of whiskey) I decided to watch this nonsense. Its as bad as you’d think. Now I already know that there are some people reading this and saying “Dante, you have amazing legs. How do you do it?” or “This movie isn’t even aimed at your demographic of 30-something year old Black dudes with amazing legs, so of course you wouldn’t like it.” To which I’ll reply “Bad knows no demographic!” I’ll walk you through this nonsense.

The movie starts off with Taylor Lautner (Twilight, Sharkboy And Lavagirl, Cheaper By The Dozen 2) as Nathan riding on the hood of his friends car while heading to a party to get drunk. These are high school kids by the way. He wakes up on the lawn with no shirt on and his dad shows up and brings him home to spar with him until he pukes. Let me point out that this movie uses any excuse to get this boy out of his clothes. “Breakfast is ready!” Shirt off. “You are failing school!” Shirt off. “Murder!!!” Shirt off. He likes this girl Lily Collins (Priest, The Blind Side) who plays Karen aka Eyebrows. Seriously, you could slice steel with this girls eyebrows. She seems like a bitch and ends up partnering with Nathan to do a report about missing kids. In a few minutes they find his picture.