True Confessions: Dante Likes Twilight

Its bad enough I admitted to watching every single episode of Sex & The City. Now I’m here to tell you all that I’ve seen every Twilight film. Ow! Who threw that?! Let me explain. I am a fan of vampires. I love the idea of a creature that has to kill people pretty much every night just to live. Hell, I have written a vampire story. When I read these stories of vampires or watch movies the only rule I have is “No going out during the day!” If they do I want them to burst into flames. No amount of suntan lotion should protect you (looking at you Stephen Dorff in Blade). Before I even watched a Twilight film I knew that when they walked into the sunlight their skin turned into diamonds.

They can still be killed like other vampires but the sun just makes them look like a disco ball. This doesn’t seem like a huge drawback to me. If my Black ass walked outside and looked like a walking Pride Parade I wouldn’t hide it. This was my biggest concern and complaint about this film but whatever. One day while sitting at home I decided to give this movie a shot. I did this in secret after my friend Soap had mentioned how she enjoyed the films. So I curled up with my stuffed unicorn and my Snuggie and prepared for a 90 minute suckfest.

So the main chick in this film is Bella. She’s this miserable ass girl that walks around school looking more like a vampire than anyone else in the movie. She’s not the business. I mean, she’s a girl. No curves or anything. About as sexy as a dental exam. She’s attracted to the resident vampire in school who belongs to a family of supermodels. Every time she gets around him he looks sick and leaves her with a pout on his face. She lives with her dad who is a cop and seems oblivious to everything that happens in his house. She mopes all the time and looks sad even when she’s happy. Nothing seems to make her happy. She lives with whichever parent she wants. She has freedom. She isn't starving. She has a shit ton of friends around her. But no matter what she looks like this all the damn time. One day the vampire saves her from being hit by a car.

Edward Cullen is the vampire Bella is in love with. This is not an attractive man. I don’t know what women find hot anymore. This guy has girls around the world going insane with his giant forehead and dreamy eyes. He lets Bella know that her smell drives him cray-cray and that’s why he cant be around her. He and his family stay out of school on sunny days by lying and saying they are going hiking. I’m sure this is totally cool with school officials. He is super strong, fast, and has eyes that could get you pregnant. His emo levels are always off the charts though he pales (get it?!) in comparison to Bella. I’d be sad too if I could live forever and be bionic. Oh wait. No. I wouldn’t! I would fucking rule the world! Asshat.

This is Jacob (Team Jacob!). He is a werewolf. He has known Bella for years and is madly in love with her though she seems to treat him like a brother. That is until she sees him with his shirt off and then she’s all like “Oh, go Indians!” After he reaches a certain age he can turn into a big ass wolf which is kinda cooler than being a vampire. At least his powers don’t attract ravers. Thank god at one point he gets a haircut since his hair looks like something a girl who doesn’t shave down there and knits oven mitts would have. His body stays warm all the time which is just an excuse for him and his friends to walk around wearing close to nothing. Sadly they don’t show any wolf chicks walking around topless. Like an entire pack of dudes running around with tattoos and muscles but the one chick they have doesn't get topless and she has a big ass scar on her face.

This makes me uncomfortable.

Mind you, I was ready to hate the hell out of these films. But after finishing the first one I was shockingly not mad after watching. I felt something I rarely felt when I was done. Shame. I didn’t want to admit that I liked these movies. I called my best friend like I was struggling with the idea of coming out to my family. She ended up watching and not hating the movies either. We both kept this dirty secret to ourselves. For any guy out there that wants to hate on the movies without seeing them like I did just know that there are hot chicks. And creepy Black vampires! Don't call him Blacula.

That's racist!

Even Bryce Dallas Howard could not make me hate these movies and she is a black hole of acting. She’s managed to be in more movies I hate than ones I liked. Actually she is in two of the worst films ever, Lady In The Water and The Village. My favorite scene with her is when she gets her head ripped right the hell off! Oh, how I cheered. I say give one of the films a try. You might like it. In which case you can join me in my shame circle. I mean, the film cant be all that bad. There’s werewolves.

Big ass werewolves!!!