Insert Coin: Super Smash Bros.

“Eight characters are playable from the beginning of the game: Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, and Pikachu. Four more characters can then be unlocked by completing different aspects of the game: Luigi, Captain Falcon, Ness and Jigglypuff.”

You know why I loved this game so much? Captain Falcon. He is one of the few characters in this game that doesn’t shoot something but its not like he even needs to. One Falcon Punch or Falcon Kick followed by “Yes!” and you’re good to go. Super Smash Brothers on the Nintendo 64 was/is one of my favorite games to play. Yeah, I still own and play this game every month or so. If I’m feeling extra speecy spicy I’ll put it on extra hard and then get mad when I have to fight Yoshi Team. Those guys are assholes. You have to beat twenty of these jerks and the whole time they make those annoying Yoshi sounds. So there’s nothing better than killing three of them at a time.

Another one of my favorites is Link from the Zelda games. He can throw bombs, boomerangs, has a sword, and a hook to snatch people towards him. That rules. Samus from Metroid is okay but her best weapon leaves you wide open to get face raped by Donkey Kong, who by the way is hard as hell to beat and sucks to use. Pikachu from Pokemon is surprisingly powerful for such a little guy while there are worthless characters like Jigglypuff who sings you to sleep and Luigi who is just an out of control version of Mario. Its like taking Luigi from Mario Bros 2 and saying “Have at it!” Cthulhu forbid you try and use Fox from the Starfox games. You’ll rocket off the screen to your death in no time.

After fighting and unlocking all the other characters you get to the final boss which turns out to be…a hand? Uh, alright. Actually its Master Hand, which sounds way sexy when you say it slow and raise an eyebrow. It seems pretty easy since its just a stupid hand that walks at you until this bastard starts shooting Bullet Bills, turning into a power drill, bitch slapping you off the screen, and turning into a rocket. Its like really, if you hate your toys that much just get rid of them. After you beat it your lifeless body drops to the ground, the kid leaves the room, and the credits roll. That’s for real how the game ends. Oh, and you get a congratulations screen with a picture of your character. What a lousy ending to such a fun game.